The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Kate...Part of the truth is the disease sucks and that results in the confusion. Also you're expecting the man you love and are getting your alcoholic...two different people with two very different personalities, minds, bodies and spirits. It sucks. He looks kinda the same as the man that doesn't or isn't drinking however he's not even close to being that person. Alcohol is a mind, mood, physical and spiritually altering chemical...You love Jekyll and get Hyde. There isn't a normal way of loving an alcoholic or an addict...I had to learn how to do that from the Al-Anon fellowship which doesn't give advise on what you should or shouldn't do otherwise we get to be responsible for the dramas and tragedies of that advise...we do give our own real experiences strengths and hopes...what worked for us and what didn't...you get suggestions which you choose to do with as you want or nothing. I didn't divorce my alcoholic/addict wife until 3 or more years of separation and lots of recovery work. Even she wasn't sure what "I" should do and then I got supported by the fellowship and my sponsor to correct the mistakes I had made that I was responsible for and one of those mistakes was marrying my alcoholic/addict even when I was preparing to break off our relationship because of the severe drinking and using. I made a real mistake when I did that and should have not done it so I undid it. After she got into recovery in a very humbling manner and was sober for a while and we had traded 9th steps we acknowledged we loved each other and had no reason to be married or partners of any kind. I just loved how it got to that point. Was she a friend...she was a child of God and a very worthwhile woman and I loved her again and left for home where I am right now. Our relationship was a very very tense and dysfunctional one...we went insane together and came out of it recovered and alive. We have both programs to thank for that. It was her sponsor that first suggested that I get into Al-Anon and then try AA also...yes I am a double and my exwife would have just loved to be able to drink like me...it was one of her many wishes.
There are lots of lies that are used and believed in this disease and only one of them is that the negatives are all your fault no matter what you do...that is impossible...the disease needs enablers and if you start believing that lie you are enabling. You're not that powerful to be in total control without his participation and he is participating while being chemically altered. His brain is floating in alcohol...what helped me change my perception about how honest, truthful and sane my alcoholic/addict was came from finally accepting she was really alcoholic and a drug addict. I got over the denial of that when my sponsor finally suggested that "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...the chances are IT'S A DUCK!! So after I learned that and tried to listen to her when she was loaded and trying to make sense what I convinced myself she was saying was "Q U A C K"!! and then I stopped reacting. I believe I even at times said QUACK after she tried to make sense of what her head was trying to say.
I suggest you find the face to face Al-Anon groups in your area from the telephone number in the white pages of your local telephone book...look it up, call the number, listen for when and where we meet in your area and then come sit with up as very soon as you can. You need to hear the truth and it won't be coming from your alcoholic. Take your power back.
Keep coming back here too. You're not alone and have tons of support already. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 14th of August 2012 11:58:03 PM
I'm new to this board. History... I wasn't raised in an alcoholic family. I dated my husband for 4 years before we married. Due to his work schedule we only saw each other 2-3 times a week and we didn't live together. I know this sounds crazy, but while there must have been some red flags during those 4 years, I somehow managed to not fully comprehend that I was getting ready to marry an alcholoic who was actively drinking!
Fast forward to today, 3 3/4 years into our marriage. I am so tired of feeling like I'm in a hamster wheel. Drunk/sober/drunk/sober, etc. I regularly attend face-to-face al anon meetings and have lots of al anon literature to read. But all of that still makes my attempts to stay married super challenging. I know from my meetings I must try very hard to not react when he's drunk and pushing all my buttons. In a way it would be easier if I were married to a drunk who drinks every day. Instead what I'm married to is a bing drinker who once he starts drinking, no matter what I do, finds various ways to explain that all his ails are all my fault. When I do finally "lose it" (after he's been so mean and hurtful I can't stand it) he tells me and everyone at the bar "She just went off on me!" Shock and awe! As though he was merely an innocent bystander suddenly and unexpectedly having to deal with a crazy broad. When he's sober he loves me and is a fun loving guy. But when he's drunk he hates me and he morphs into a cruel hateful monster.
Last week some real bad stuff happened and as the result, I finally realized I'd "hit the wall" so I gave him an ultimatium. I said 'Sober or Divorce.' He stayed sober for 8 days but fell off the wagon last night. So right now he's not picking sober, and that leaves us with divorce which I'm not emotionally prepared to initiate at this time. My family and friends are rooting for me to "get out" but it's so very difficult when I'd say about 75% of the time he's Mr. Fun Loving guy. I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that 25% of the time he's a cruel jackass who is busy tearing my self-esteem away. I do have many good things going for me. I have warm and loving family and friends, a wonderful job, I own our home (his name is not on the title), I have zero debt (other than my mortgage) and money in the bank. I can certainly afford a divorce, but I guess my biggest problem is I'm addicted to an addict?? My attraction to him has always been overwhelming. I'm attracted to him like a fly is to flypaper. Never met a man who had this effect on me. So when he's drunk I want to divorce him and run away, but when he's sober again I re-attach emotionally very quickly to him and as the result, I tend to forget the bad stuff that just happened between us for a few days until the cycle begins again. Regardless, I'm about 90% certain I'll end up divorcing him, and it helps that when he's drunk he's always saying I'm ruining his life, so he wants to divorce me or move out of our home. I just don't know when I'd initiate divorce proceedings. And maybe the "when" doesn't matter. I have to trust my higher power to take care of me and know that I'll know what I need to do when it's time to do it.
This is my second marriage, and I didn't end my first marriage until I got to the point I was unable to emotionally re-attach. So maybe that's what needs to happen in this situation too.
Anyway, no one can solve my problems but me. It just feels good to find a place like this where I can safely say how I feel and what I'm going through with folks who have a clear understanding of what I'm talking about. Thank you so much for reading and for any comments you feel like sharing.
Two sayings I've learned while on this board: "When nothing happens, nothing happens," and "Your AH is going to continue to drink, what are YOU going to do?" Also, if you knew that things were not ever going to change in your marriage, would you be okay with things staying as they are now in the years to come? These sayings are what helped me to become clear on what I needed to do (we separated for a year and then decided to divorce). My AH is a binge drinker too. He's wonderful when he's sober, but a mess when he's not. Have you considered separating for right now to see if that gives you some breathing room until you have a better idea if divorce is an option? Sending you lots of support right now.
You sound like you have good tools and are further along in this than other folks who have never stepped into alanon. As far as him turning everything around on you when he is drunk - There is a way to cut that off from reaching your ears to an extent. That would involve pretty strict boundaries which could include - No assessments of how the relationship is working while he is getting hammered. What good are those assessments at that time anyhow? The boundary would look like "lets talk about your concerns when you are sober okay honey?" Hand the disease back to him. Don't accept verbal abuse and that it's your fault and it won't feel so maddening. It could come down to "I don't accept that explanation of your drinking" and just walk away or leave. It will be difficult to put into practice but when someone is flinging poo at you, you need to duck or get out of the way so it doesn't stick to you.
It is so difficult when you enjoy and love the sober spouse. As difficult as it is I have found the boundaries work well. I love what Pinkchip said about not accepting the explanation........I can't wait to use that. I am new to this site as well and our stories are very similar, I have never been to a face to face Al Anon meeting and I am hopefully going to go tonight. Everyone's responses to each other are so supportive.
