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So, things have been really terrible for the last 3 months. My AH's brother committed suicide in May. This is a horrible tradgedy and on top of it, he and my husband didn't have a great relationship. My AH is racked with guilt because he thinks he could have done somthing to prevent it. He is in a deep depression and also suffers from bi polar disease. Now, we have moved 300 miles away from my home town for his job. He hasn't worked since April and every time he calls the union hall they tell him to "hang in there". I am working at a job that I absolutely hate, but it gets me out of the house. All he does is get drunk and loud way up into the morning, sleeps until around noon or 1pm, watches tv, then goes out for more beer and repeats. I am so very miserable. This past Saturday I tried to talk to him while he was sober. I tried to explain that I am very unhappy because of this and his pain causes us pain. I have begged him to go get help for his grief and alcoholism. He replied that he is dealing with the grief just fine, the drinking numbs him and that is his way of dealing. I explained that what he is doing isn't grieving, but he got very defensive and turned everything around on me. He says that I thrive on drama and being miserable and that I am bringing him down with me. He says that he drinks because I nag, I say I nag because he drinks. Which in all honesty, isn't true. I don't nag, I just don't say a whole lot out of fear of an argument and he translates it as pouting. Our conversation got a little heated and he posed the question to me "would you rather I drink, or would you rather you came home to me with a bullet in my head?" I told him I don't want either one, but of course I don't want him dead. He even turned that around on me saying of course I would not want him dead because that would give him peace and I would be the one who was hurt. Now, after thinking about it, it would give me peace as well.
I had to separate myself from the situation for a few days. I came to my parents' to stay. I have to go back today because I have to work tomorrow. My stomach is in knots, and just thinking about going back into that apartment is making me so nervous I think I will jump out of my skin. I talked to him last night and he was drunk, as I knew he would be. I really just want to get my things and come back home (to my parents'). I love my husband, but I don't know how to help him right now, and being there with him is killing me.
((((HUGS!!)))) You're conversation sounds so familiar!.... The merry-go-round of the whole thing... accusing you of being miserable and thriving on drama... I had that conversation with my STBXAH a few months ago. Not too long after I had that conversation I started reading the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie... In the second paragraph of her Introduction she described me (it was hard to accept because I never thought of myself as "hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with, generally disagreeable"... "but always there, ready to rescue the alcoholic from their self-created disasters"...). In my recovery, my search to really find myself and find out why I always end up in these crazy, crazy, disastrous messes, when other people don't, I had to really look at myself and see that, although I didn't like those verbs used to describe me, I don't like the way they feel, I don't like having to be that way, I was those very things... It was the honest look at myself and my behaviors that made me really how insane alcoholism had made me! I was not who I wanted to be. I want to be happy. I want to be kind. I don't like being controlling (although I felt it was necessary).
You can't "help" him the way you want to... You have to get yourself help. Get yourself healthy. Change your behaviors. Be easy on yourself. Take it all one day at a time. But you have to stop focusing on what he is doing and start focusing on what you are doing. The only person you can change is yourself.
Find a face-to-face meeting, get some books to read on the subject, get some Al-anon material, and keep coming back. It works when you work it!
((((BIG HUGS!!))))
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
Thank you Mandy. Your response made me cry. I know you are right. I have to get healthy and I don't see that happening as long as I am around him. I don't want to give up on our marriage, but more than that, I don't want to give up on myself. I am considering legal separation, which stinks because we have only been married for 4 months (but together for 3 years). I am so scared that he will do something drastic if/when I leave. I am afraid he will either drink himself to death or kill himself on purpose.
I am on my way to the bookstore before leaving mom n dad's. Going to get "Getting them sober" and "Codependent no more".
I became very ill. in the end i left and he did go down really qyuickly hiowever a couple of months later he went to Aa and we got back together. He has been in AA 3 years he has done rehab for 6 months was sober for about 9 months once . I went up and down with him. then I realsied it was his fight thanks to Al anon and coda.
Today we are not together i will not be ina relationship with him when he drinks that is not me trying to control that is my boundary to protect myself. since feb he has been drinking, went to mums she got fed up , moved on to friends they got fed up, even been on the street. i have wanted to help so many times but al anon has taught me to say what i meant and mean what i say. both fellowships have taught me that my life is important too!!
He rang me yesterday told me he loves and misses me it was hard but told him i am doing my steps and need space he has to sort own probs. I am not abandoning i am giving him his life and problems to solve he is agrown man. Whe he gets better in AA he makes amends and I told him then if you get sick I have to protect me. One of the things the rehab gave me told me if he is on the phone moaning I have a choice to hang up in this way i am protecing myself from the disease, I try and be as kind as i can.
I love him but I love me i pray to Hp to help him because I can not .
It sounds like he is really not open to the idea of recovery. You will get continued insanity and twisted logic as he tries to justify his addiction and all that goes with it. For you to get clarity, I would suggest going to alanon. It could be your ray of hope and the light that will lead you out of this dark spot.
"would you rather I drink, or would you rather you came home to me with a bullet in my head?"
I am afraid he will either drink himself to death or kill himself on purpose.
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Now that's blue-ribbon quality manipulation - that appears to be working. Don't buy into it. I know that is easier said than done and that is why Al-anon can be your best friend..as pinkchip says ''will lead you out of this dark spot"
So many similarities here, I had to laugh. I had the same talk with relapsing AH on Saturday and got nowhere. I am at my mom and dad's (but I'm not leaving) and I even bought the same 2 books this week. I loved Getting Them Sober! Hope things get better for you.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I so wish that we were not so far away from my parents. I would have stayed there for sure if I didn't have to work. Which, honestly, my father told me that I always have a home there and I don't have to come back to this place if it is just for the job. I just got here about an hour ago, I am sitting here on the couch and he is in his chair, watching something on tv. And of course, drinking beer. I am going to try to go to a meeting tomorrow or Thursday when I am off of work. I hope I can make it that long. I had an anxiety attack on my way here today and had to pull off on the side of the road. My poor little puppy had no idea what was going on, she only wanted me to stop crying and tried to make me feel better by giving me "kisses". I called a friend of mine and we prayed together. We prayed that God take the wheel and guide me in the right direction.... I ended up back here. Also, I was concerned because my AH's phone was turned off. We prayed that he was okay. It was not 5 minutes after I got off of the phone with her that he called to see if I was on my way "home"... I know that was divine intervention. Not sure if it was God telling me to come on back, but at least I knew I was not going to walk in on a horrible scene.
Thank you all for your comments and for sharing. It does help to know that I am not alone.
Not sure what I was expecting... Honestly, I knew nothing would change. He stayed up until 5:30am drinking. I had gone to bed around 9:30 and actually slept for a few hours before being woken up by the noise of the tv and him talking on the xbox. My little dog needed to go out, and he said he would take her, poor little thing came back to bed without getting to go. He gets angry with me if I try to take her out after midnight because of the dangers of a woman being out at that hour... so, I just let her come back to bed, I hope she relieved herself somewhere in the apartment. He told me yesterday that he would go to the grocery and do a few loads of laundry today... I am sure I will get home from work around 5 and it still won't be done. However, I am done. It really doesn't matter.
I think you are abandoning yourself when you stay in a situation that is bad for your body, mind and spirit. God did not place you in your husbands body, he placed you in yours. He gave you a purpose to fulfill in this life and it wasn't to try to control your spouse. You are to live YOUR life the best you can. It's ok to walk away when things are too hard to handle, in fact, you are practicing self love when you do so. There is a limit to what every one of us can take. It's ok to take the next step. I pray only for Gods will and the courage to carry it out and that has saved me! The answer will become clear to you. The decision to leave will still hurt on some level but that is because we are human and we FEEL. You have to do what is ultimately best for you.
You are right, GreenerGrass. I had a panic attack on the way up here yesterday... Looking out my windshield the world seemed so far away, I really don't know how to explain it. Last night when I asked him to take the puppy outside, I took a long look at him. He is such a handsome man when he is sober. He is a very loving man, when he is sober. He is a caring man, when he is sober. But the drunk is here all the time now, not my husband. I am going to go to work today and then when I get home tonight I am going to try to explain to him why I have to leave. I am off of work tomorrow, and I just will not go back (that job is the least of my worries). I will come back if he decides to get help with the grief of losing his brother, the bi polar disorder, and numerous other issues. I plan on going to counseling myself, for myself. I would love for him to tell me that he is going to go as well and really do it... but past behavior dictates that will not happen.
I love my husband so very much, but not the drunk I am living with now. I need and deserve to be able to depend on my husband. I need to be able to trust that he will do what he says he will do. I even called his best friend yesterday to see if he could talk to him, but I know that no one will be able to get through. I know I have to let go and let God work on this.
You will be okay. If you stay, you will have detached a little more. If you go, it gets easier once you drive away. I was in your shoes a little over a week ago and although I have moments of sadness and lots of financial ?'s and worries, I have mainly felt calm and relief. Will be reading to see how you are doing.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Today, he told me he wants to "try" to dry out. I am "trying" not to get my hopes up... but I can't help but be cautiously optimistic. For today, I have my husband here with me. I know that he will not go to therapy or join AA, so I have just enjoyed today and spent some time praying.
