My baby girl and I had a talk - Al-Anon Family Group

Amandakay · Veteran Member

My baby girl and I had a talk

Amandakay · Veteran Member

Sometimes I wish she wasn't so darned dramatic! We talked last night over cookies and milk. I just wanted to make sure she understood what happened to her was wrong. So, I asked her if she remembered the conversation and she did and basically told me the whole thing all over again with all kinds of drama and facial expressions... It was all I could do to keep my calm, but I did and after she was done, I let her know that what he did was wrong. She looked at me funny, like she was a little confused, like she didn't know that he could be wrong... "Is he gonna get a spankin'?" I told her no but he might get in trouble but he wont do that to you again. She said "He was wrong" and then said some details of the event that I will spare you... I talked to her about telling me if anyone ever did anything like that again... She's so young, she just didn't know it was wrong, I guess. But we had a good talk, finished our cookies and milk and watched Veggie Tales... It was a good night. I am glad that this has not traumatized her and we were able to talk about it.

My favorite prayer these days is God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (what has already happened), the courage to change the things I can (her knowing what is acceptable and unacceptable touch/behavior- that was hard-who really wants to have a detailed conversation with a 3 year old on this...), and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you God!

I appreciate everyone's thoughts, prayers and ESH!

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

thanks for sharing that

almostgivenup · Veteran Member

Bless your heart (as we say here in the south). I am praying for you and your baby girl.

(((( HUGS ))))

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

As a survivor of molestation by a relative, it is impossible for a small child to wrap their brain around a loved one being "bad" and doing something wrong to you. Best guess was I was about 4, I was not aware it was "wrong" until I was nearly 23. It was "surpressed" in the manner of it being a normal memory and no reason to consider it. Then one day I heard someone on TV describing the same actions but framed in the manner of being molested and suddenly I realized and it was a nauseating realization.

I cannot recommend enough that you get her talking regularly with a professional. I had no idea what was done was wrong until I was in my 20's and I struggled for years with wanting to protect this relative (who was by the way dead by the time I realized) and coming to terms with it. You are doing everything right by making the conversation OK with her. I came out of everything OK, I did have to talk to people for quite awhile but it no longer haunts me.

All too common sadly.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You are handling this very well. May I ad something? There is a huge difference between knowing something, and believing it. We all know smoking is bad for us, but we keep smoking. Or we know we are lactose intolerant but keep eating ice cream.

The thing too is to them it may have felt good, and it is hard for a little one to understand something is wrong when it felt good. So they may have a desire to do it again when a situation comes us. I agree, counseling is vital.

Your talking about it and always listening to anything she says, even if it is about she saw a purple elephant in the living room....listen then she will always come to you. I learned to not be surprised or show any kind of negative emotion so they felt safe to talk to me.

This guy needs to be charged. If he gets off doing this, then he will do it to others. NO question.

Sending you hugs and I am so proud of you. debilyn

callmemara · Veteran Member

Wow, Mandy.
I cannot begin to imagine going through that!
It would be so frustrating to be told that you are not supposed to talk about it with her. And for what reason? So the next interview would be uninfluenced? They are taking their sweet time but you have to do what is best for your daughter. I would have talked to her too. In a 3 year old mind a week is like a month.
Have you had any more contact with the investigator or interviewer? Why don't they want her in counseling yet?

callmemara · Veteran Member

I wonder if they wanted to coach you on how to talk to her?

Are you getting any advice from other boards pertaining to this specific issue?

Amandakay · Veteran Member

I just have to be patient in all of this. It's going very slowly, it seems, but they need to do everything right.. It's gonna all work out, I've got peace about it now. I've given it up to my God. He is my avenger! ...They scheduled the second interview with her for next week, and then I suppose everything will start moving so fast that I will wish it would slow down...

Meanwhile, I've been checking the obituaries everyday to see if he's dead... His alcoholism is taking him so far down it crazy... I would not be surprised if he got run over in traffic or killed himself, both while drunk. Nothing would surprise me at this point.. He hasn't contacted me and his family finally quit calling when I told them that I hope he rots in prison for what he did...

The alanon slogans are really helping me to keep my focus! ~ Let go and let God ~ How important is it ~ Keep It Simple ~ Just for Today ~ and the serenity prayer... Before Al-anon, if this would have happened, I would have lost my grip on reality and my focus would be completely off, I would be hysterical and in a depression. You wouldn't be able to get me out of bed. I wouldn't be taking care of myself at all... I've learned a lot in these few months... I know that I have to take care of me first if I am going to be able to take care of my kids... and they need to me to be my best! I'm glad I found Al-anon when I did!

-- Edited by Amandakay on Friday 17th of August 2012 08:45:07 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.