The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Great post, coming here to vomit up the poison with a fellowship who understands. By now, you know how normal it is for us to feel the way you are feeling.
The problem for me was that I stayed in that victimization and self-pity, for years I did not budge on my stand, how I had been wronged. For years, my anger and venom were always coming out sideways, I had developed a permanent angry face, he always commented on my disapproving looks toward him, even when I didn't think I was, lol. So I think it's fabulous that you have this awareness, I was so focused on HIM that I didn't develop this kind of awareness for years.
Obviously, my suggestion is to use the awareness and not wallow where you are, commit yourself to local face to face meetings and just keep sharing how you feel. I waited over 20 years to do that and by then, my own dis-ease had progressed, I had suffered so much by resisting recovery, I had become just a shell of a person. If you think about it, it is crazy to have the expectation that my security should come from a sick alcoholic, or any other person for that matter.... that is my own insanity. A recovering alcoholic is trying to learn how to live life on life's terms, which means they will have to learn a WHOLE NEW WAY OF THINKING.... it will be normal for them to look something like a baby, they're going to get it, they're going to start walking, and then they're going to fall.. they simply won't start walking this new way of life with any resemblance of grace. And that's okay, God is going to put their time-table of recovery together, that's how you could look at the experience of your fellows at the meeting, you could still KNOW that God is in charge.
And the same is with us. We're going to get it, we're going to "get" that our security comes from our Higher power, we're going to start walking in our shiny new program shoes.... and then, we're going to doubt again and fall... at least, that's the way it was for me, I stumbled around in my new program shoes for a long time, lol! But my job, and all I am responsible for is my own recovery, building my OWN relationship with Higher power, so that I am going to be okay no matter what the alcoholic is doing, whether they are recovering or not. If I keep recovering, I'm going to be okay, that is where real security is going to come from, my relationship with Higher power.
This stuff takes courage, that's for sure. That's why I need my fellowship, to see with my own eyes how everyone there is also trying to build a reliance on Higher power, not on the alcoholics in our lives, and certainly not on ourselves.
Congratulations on him walking through the doors of recovery, mine has never even done that. Focus on the good stuff, you're going to be okay (((my friend)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 14th of August 2012 09:33:04 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My husband has been in rehab for 8 days now. I visited him on Sunday and he is so grateful to be there. After the first two days of 'gonna do what I need to do and go home', he has now realized that rehab is exactly where he needs to be, and he feels a spiritual connectedness that he has been searching for his whole life. All good right? Yesterday I was on top of the world; he was in a good frame of mind now I could get to work on myself. I went to an Al Anon meeting last night and came away happy that I was not going crazy because of this disease but also feeling so despondent after listening to how rehab changed nothing for others, and if anything, things got worse. Am I totally naive to think that he will be a changed man after this, and that we can have a shot at a healthy life? Is there any hope for us?
Today I am resenting him for being there; he gets to focus on himself 24/7 and does not have the responsibilities of work and looking after our two daughters who are aged 1 and 3. What kind of psycho am I?? I am exhausted and am angry at him for making things so difficult here for so long, and now when I am wiped out because of the disease I get to do everything alone. Yes I am feeling very sorry for myself today because it feels like no-one gives a damn When is it my turn to feel loved and protected and taken care of?
I could have written your share about 2 years ago when my partner went into rehab for the first time. At first I was so happy he was finally getting help. then the resntment kicked in I was still eft with all the responsibility. Oh yes and he could just concentrate on his recovery what about mine. I can see now that the disease was still attcking me. If my partner was in hospital would i be resenting him. I learnt so much when he went to rehab about the disease. This is just my story some people go to rehab and never drink agin some go all their ;lives and still never to stay sober. My A stayed sober for nearly a year then slipped again. He is fighting this disease.
I on the other hand got sicker when he got better because I could finally face my sickness. Today I have my eyes totally on myself. He can not care for me he is very ill and can not even take care of himself. I am slowly learning I am my resesponsibility, I ask other people for support who can give it. I try and do good self care today instaed of waiting for him to get better and take care of me. I hope your partner gets a good conection with his Hp and really has a good go at fighting his disease. However I hope even more that you can conect with yours and other people in the same situation and take good care of you.
You're not psycho. My AH was in rehab in early April and I felt exactly like you described so I think we are completely normal. It's a tough situation trying to do it all. The stress was enormous. Many mixed emotions and uncertainty about whether or not it would work. All I can say is it was another step for me in making my decision of whether or not to stay. I needed to feel that I had done all that I could do and getting him to agree to rehab was a huge thing to check off of my list. Sadly, he did relapse but hopefully something that he learned will help him make his way back to sobriety.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Nothing unusual about feeling insecure. Or worried. And its very common to feel resentful when the alcoholic starts to get better, especially when the remedy comes from someone other than us. We tried for years to get them to change and nothing ever seemed to work. They go to rehab or a few AA meetings, suddenly they change, or begin to. How come this works so easily? And it is ironic because getting better is what we wanted them to be, but now that its what "they" want, well suddenly its not so appealing anymore. Now someone else is taking care of them. Maybe we are jealous that this treatment is managing to accomplish what we could not. Yeah, it sounds like we're sick puppies too. We got all this worry, and rage, and self-pity, insecurity, jealousy, envy......all forms of spiritual sickness......and who is going to take care of us?
I didn't come to Al-Anon because "they" suffered from alcoholism. I came because "I" suffered from the effects of it. Now that I'm here, I don't need to work on them anymore. I need to work on me. I do that by using the 12 Steps, by sharing at meetings about the emotional swings that got me into trouble both when I was up and when I was down. My feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. Sometimes I have a right to feel them, sometimes I don't. Learning how to tell the difference takes a long time.
Well I don't know where all that came from or if I made any sense or helped in any way. Keep coming Kismet, keep sharing. Some of us give a damn about you.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
It is frustrating, when living with an A, often times it is all about them, then in recovery, once again all about them. Try to think of the benefits of your children having a sober father in their life. TRy to stay focused on the here and now...your babies. Hang it there.
When is it my turn to feel loved and protected and taken care of?