The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those that have moved on from their marriages due to this disease, When does the pain stop!! When do u feel happy again and let go of their sick thinking and your own? I was so strong when I left and after trying to reconcile with him choosing the drink I am a mess. I can't believe I went back and had him choose the bottle and hurt myself like this. Went to an Alanon meeting and the pain in the room was everywhere and these were people who had been in Alanon for ever. Most were there because of their children and I thank God that is not my problem. Made mine feel insignificant. I just kept thinking if these people can deal with that heartbreak who am I to be complaining about a drunken spouse who chooses the bottle. I keep thinking maybe I was sent back so I would not be living in fantasy and see the reality of the disease and that I made the right decision in the first place but I did not feel this pain or hurt when I initially left.
-- Edited by JJ21 on Monday 13th of August 2012 03:47:31 PM
The X A and I separated a few times until I decided to part permenently.
Don't beat yourself up for going back! We have to live and learn, thats how its done.
We decide when the pain ends by living Alanon and connecting to our higher power and really letting go of it.
I made the decision to not suffer from it anymore. I started retraining my brain, it can be done. Not to be so overly emotionally connected to other people. My Mother said I changed, GOOD for me. Sometimes we love the suffering. Its a habit hard to break. Everyone has a higher power and the Universe will take care of everyone, I dont have to worry about them.
Tortuga, you havent gotten completely off the subject of the A yet. Next post, I want to hear about You only and what your plan is for yourself . You already have started by saying your going to live "One Day at a time", thats a plan.
Keep working it, you will get there. Luv, Bettina P.S. Love your post Greeneyes!
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 13th of August 2012 04:32:34 PM
Some wise Al-Anon member reminded me that, "He did not choose the bottle, the bottle chose him." Whenever I obsess about my soon-to-be AH deciding that he would rather drink than save our 30 year marriage, I try to remember that no one would want to choose a disease like this. They are in just as much pain as we are, it's just that the booze has numbed their emotions and normal thought processes. All we can really do is focus on our recovery and work on healing ourselves. Sending you lots of support right now during this difficult time in your life. You are not alone- we are here for you, as is your HP.
We all heal in the time it takes us to heal. As my sponsor said to me "You lived with this disease for 47 years, it'll take a long time to heal" I've only been in Al-Anon for 9 months and I'm still hurting but there is a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us. Just "take it easy" on yourself. I wish you lots love JJ21. Things will get better with the help of the programme, slogans, your sponsor & Al-Anon friends. xx
Thank you for your support. Too go back and see the changes in his personality and choices was unbelievable and painful, but I must have been meant to see them so that I could move on. I sometimes thing I went back because thinking about moving on and dating and finding a new life were so overwhelming... I think I need to accept that I can't plan or predict the future and to live more in the moment a Day at a Time so I don't get ahead of myself. I've always been a constant worrier.
Good question. For me, I had tiny islands of relief. Maybe a laugh at an Al-Anon meeting realizing I was not alone after all. I found time for self-care: joined a choir and sang out loud, went walking in the sun, scheduled time to sleep, spent time with friends, etc. I clung to the activities that made me feel better. It's a slow thing to feel better. Have patience and be good to yourself. It will come.
Every time you think of it as him choosing a bottle over you, your self esteem takes a hit and it doesn't help you. It's also not the way alcholism works. His drinking is about him and how sick of an alcoholic he is. Some of your decisions about what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage are really coming from a place of strength. Viewing yourself losing a battle with his disease disempowers you. You never had power over his alcholism anyhow. You stated you don't know the man he has become anymore. That is more accurrate. Alcohol took him like diseases tend to do sometimes. Sad as that is, it's easier to move on from that than seeing yourself as the loser in a battle with booze.
There is an ebb and flow for me. There are times I feel truly sad and times I feel great about the future. The busier I am the better I feel. I try not to think too much about the pain. And I try to see my life the way God sees it. It's full of opportunity now! When I was in my marriage, I was stuck in an impossible situation, stifled, my creativity, independence and spirit crushed underneath a heavy weight. Now that he is not my problem anymore I am free to pursue the life I want for myself. It will get better when you start to see all the positives about your situation and not the negatives.
((((JJ)))) one of my counselors once asked me "What do you suppose it feels like to be love by you"? and I broke down and cried cause I didn't know...all I knew was how I loved others and I did the best I could with what I had and ended up sick because it wasn't being returned and I wasn't giving any to myself. It's okay to self love. You don't need any special permission to do that. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are". ((((hugs))))
Feeling better. I get really full of self pity when I am tired and worn down. I have had a migraine for days and have been playing caretaker for my aunt who has Lung Cancer. She has less than six months but refuses Hospices. She is not in real cancer pain yet, but has weakness because of a brain met and can't be left alone because of a fall risk. I thought at first that this would be a good diversion, but I'm starting to wonder. She is so stubborn and won't get extra help and I need to be looking for a job. I'm always over extending myself I think. I like helping but am fustrated with her lack of willingness to accept outside help and give me a break.
