The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How can I get quick relief? I hurt too much to stand. I'm bitter and hostile. I want my qualifier to suffer, he had a colonoscopy the other day and I hoped they'd perforate his bowel. Instead I just sent him a text asking him if the doctors had finally located his brain. I'm just so angry at him and even at AA. After 25 years sober I'd hoped he'd have lost some of his rigidiy, his ocd tendencies. He was so cheap and frugal that he put our children in danger. I asked him how we'd live our retirement and he said however he said, doing whatever he wanted to do. I realized that my, or whatever's left of it, would be controlled by him...me doing what he wants to do and him making me do what I don't want to do. It's much more complicated than that, but it was a lifetime of family traditions and raising children together and I'm struggling with the realization that I've walked away from any more of those opportunies.
He has a new girlfrIend now, actually his high school sweetheart and THEY ARE IN LOOOOOOOVE.
Sometimes I think I made a mistake. Others I just feel like my skin is being torn from my body.
I am sorry you are hurting so badly. Sometimes, anger can be very clarifying. I consider it much more helpful and embowering than apathy and fear. When I first called Al-Anon the dear woman who answered gave me something to hang onto: It isn't your fault, and it will get better. You'll get lots of feedback from caring people who know a lot about how you are feeling. You look very young--young enough to have another chance to live your life the way you want, and in AlAnon you can learn how to do that. Thanks for posting.
Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I stay out of my ex's life as much as I can. We have 3 kids together between the ages of 9 and 16 so we still have to work together on occasion. I take zero interest in his life, I don't want to know and honestly now after 5 years I don't care. He's sadly very miserable and ruining his life and goes in and out of relationships. On occasion he will start to tell me about his life and I walk away or cut off the call. I'm worried about what makes me happy now. I'm here after recently having fallen in love with an alcoholic who was in recovery when we met but was not doing the work as he relapsed 3 times in succession and I broke it off a week ago. Because my happiness is way too important to allow "love" to be enough.
I'm moving on with my life, back to spending time with friends, enjoying a little free time when I get it, doing the things I love (got back into horse riding again after 20 years away from it). I worry about me and I work on those pulls to worrying about him (not my EXH, but the recent break up). I still have those old tendencies to want to focus on my EXABF. And I have to shake it off, I talk to my sponsor, I'm working through steps and doing what I can to regain my happy.
Focusing and worrying about my ex just makes me full of angst, anger and misery. My EXH will never be anyone other than the irresponsible, verbally abusive and angry bitter man that he is. I prefer he be that person without me watching. My EXABF is in denial and thinks he can win me back, that's sad and disheartening to watch so i won't.
The more I worry about me, take care of me, focus on me, the less I feel like being caught up in someone else. And yeah I still have a lot of work to do on this whole finding a man deal so I'm in no hurry. I went 5 years single and had a great time, joined a meetup group of single parents and kept busy and had a great time. I'd do it again if it means I'll be a little better at who I find
For me, that anger had to be dealt with, as it was getting in the way of ME, and of my desire for happiness, serenity, etc.... I am a competitive sort, so I actually fed off that belief - that I didn't want my A to "win" (by being happier than me), and that helped me seek help for the anger stuff....
Sponsorship can certainly help.... my wise old sponsor, who was very blunt and direct with me - would listen to me for awhile and then simply remind me to deal with the "whats", and put way less focus on the "whys", as the whys were killing me.... (i.e. ask yourself a simple question - if you knew the answer to the question(s) that are bugging you, would it really change anything?)
Your reality is the same as mine was, and the same as many others on here.... yes, your circumstances are unfair, and not what you had hoped them to be..... yes, his alcoholism has caused you a great deal of grief...... So now, with the rest of your life in front of you - what are YOU gonna do to get yourself healthy, happy, and serene? Nobody wants to be unhappy and angry - it is way too tiring.... So make a plan, set goals for yourself, choose recovery for YOU..... it's not letting 'him off the hook' for his actions or decisions - far from it.... this is about giving YOU the toolset to live a happy and fulfilling life- one that you truly deserve...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow, I can identify with your posts. I had anger oozing out of every pore for a very long time after I left my exAH. I was mad at everything. I lost my vision, recieved a diagnosis of NMO during the worst of my marriage and was alone. Actually worse than alone, I was also dealing with all the fallout stress of my exAH's decisions and actions. Quick relief is hard to attain but a few things that worked for me were allowing myself to be angry, my life was not supposed to get complicated healthwise whan I was finally uncomplicating it in so many other ways. And it is OK to be angry about it. A good support group for your medical condition is as much a lifeline as AA or AlAnon. I wrote an ad, free to any other home, detailing all his behaviors that affected me badly. After that I had sympathy for hs family members who took him in rather than anger over thier enabling. A surprise bonus to that was validation after the honeymoon phase (figuratively) when they dealt with all the behaviors I was blamed for previously. I wrote alot here .... and am grateful for the tolerance and compassion i was given when my words had none. I asked my HP to take the negativity out of my thoughts even if just for a few minutes. I practiced the slogans, steps, readings. And it works just a little bit more every day.
You wrote "I realized that my, or whatever's left of it, would be controlled by him...me doing what he wants to do and him making me do what I don't want to do".......this was my life with ex AH as well. He applied for jobs in different states without consulting me, took those jobs also. Even with me bawling my eyes out that I didn't want to move. It's awful to feel not in control of your life and some fuzzy brained alcoholic is calling all the shots. Well in glad in not in that situation anymore! And you should be too. If he didn't have respect for you after 25 years, he isn't going to have it for his new girlfriend either. Thank HP that someone else has stepped up to take all his crap that you used to have to put up with. Try seeing things in a different way. Praise your HP because he knows what he's doing! He can see your future, you can't! Just trust that he wants what's best for you. As for immediate relief, you may not get that. For me things get better every day. I am starting to forget my old life and embrace my new one! My new one feels a lot better anyway. I don't have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach all day like I used too. I. Am the captain of my own vessel now. I always was, just didn't know it.
Sue, finding a sponsor means attending Al Anon meetings and finding someone to sponsor you to work through the 12 steps. Making a plan, for me, means going to Al Anon meetings as often as possible, fellowshipping with other members from those meetings with phone calls or chatting after meetings, and then reading the approved literature for Al Anon. Maybe even finding a counselor or therapist who can help you work out those negative feelings and come to find serenity and peace FOR YOU.
I'm sorry you are feeling angry and resentful today. I struggle with it A LOT these days and yet I know that feelings aren't facts and that they can change. Whenever I am struggling with vengeful(is that a word, LOL?) thinking I remind myself that I CAN choose to give that up to my Higher Power and I say a prayer and lift my AH up to Him and say, "He's all yours, God. Do whatever you need with him because I give up." I hope you are feeling better today!
