The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I also could not interfere with my daughters journey to join the military and go off to war, I nearly went mad with all that. No. Actually. I did go mad. I eventually surrendered when I accepted that we are all on our personal path to God, we all make our choices about how to live life. Alcoholism/addiction is just another path to God. I still sent my daughter lots and lots of care packages while she was in Afghanistan, I still love her, the love did not go away in ME. I couldn't change her, I didn't have the power to interfere with her journey. But I could still love her. I know God loves her. God loves alcoholics, God does not take sides.
It's okay to love an alcoholic. I just can't seem to live with one, and al-anon has helped me to make my peace with that.
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 13th of August 2012 10:45:45 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
A partner finally left 5 days ago. He rented a small mobile home in a sweet little park that is just right for him. Yesterday, I stopped by just to make sure he is all right...(mistake, I know) But when he drinks, he drinks enormous amounts of everything, so I am concerned he may die one day from overdosing on alcohol. So...there he was, in his bed, unable, I think, to get up even to go to the bathroom. Alongside him bottled of vodka, gin, champagne, you name it. Not my problem, so I noted that he seemed all right, said goodby and left. I am having a nagging doubt. He suffers from occasional atrial fibrillation, and has a thyroid problem. He took nothing with him...I mean NOTHING! Should I at least take his meds to him? I would hate to have either of these problems overtake him, knowing that I perhaps could have helped. I know I have to let him fall to the bottom, but I do not want to be partially responsible for his demise. WHAT TO DO????
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
This would be a hard decision for me as well. I never had any contact with my exAH's medications by his choice. I think more because I would then notice if he was misusing them then any other reason. But in this situation I would have to think of the risks of not having his medications, the risk of his having his medications while drinking and my motives for making it my business. At least those would be where I would start ... some situations have no good answer, just an answer I find best for me. Take care of you.
Examining my motives has always helped me to reach decisions that seemed difficult.
In your post I heard you say (paraphrased):"I am concerned as he did not take his meds and needs them for a thyroid and atrial fib. problem.
His not having his med's appeared to be the motive for your concern and I agree. I see no reason why you could not just "stop by" and leave the med's. I am reminded of the alanon slogan :"Take the action and let go of the results"
Yeah, I would take him his medications - if he has problems because he doesn't have them, you feel guilty; if he has problems because he has them but doesn't take them - his responsibility.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Oh Diva, I know exactly what you are saying. When my exabf left last Friday, it was without some of his meds. He drinks the same way and actually did damage to himself this time around. I did not take him his medication as hard as it was. His buddy finally contacted me once his AA friends got ahold of him and they actually put him through a painful detox because everyone is done with his destructive behaviors. At that point of contact I asked the friend if he wanted to meet me so I could get meds and glasses to him. He agreed and this way I did not have to see him.
My uncle drank himself into oblivion for a few years and one day woke up on the floor in crumbs and filth and bugs crawling on him and that was the last day he ever drank. It was 30 years ago and he's still in AA.
I think the less people they have helping, the more they realize its them or death. I think exabf being helped by friends makes it easy for him to do it again. But these friends told him this is the last rodeo. They won't help him next time.
Sadly I think there will be another time. I'm glad I won't have to watch it... Hugs. Hard decision.
After reading your posts, for which I thank you, I did take him his meds. Now I have done what I thought was right, and will have no guilt feelings no matter the outcome. Thank all of you for being there. It is a difficult journey for us, and it is good to bounce thoughts and listen to your answers. Not advice, but reasoned answers. I appreciate it.
My best wishes to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Diva.... I'm glad to see you posting about things like this and allowing us to help you "think out loud" through these challenges.... For what it's worth, I would have likely taken him his meds as well (or perhaps called him and let him know exactly where to pick them up).... In the end, he is going to do what he is going to do..... the Three C's are in effect, even in separation - you cannot cause/cure/control his drunkeness, anymore than you can cause/cure/control his sobriety....
Hope that you are taking steps to make sure you are "taking care of you" right now, as his disease escalates....
All the best
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I would have taken the meds to him also under the circumstances.
My heart goes out to you, as well as to your partner.
Like you, I had a belly full of it, after 36 years of marriage, I told the alcoholic to leave. He did. He got much sicker, near death (no exaggeration) before he sobered up. He finally hit his bottom - close to death. He has been sober 14 months now.
As long as their still breathing, there is hope. My alcoholic taught me that. Everyone, and I mean everyone including myself, wrote my alcoholic off. We did not believe there was any hope right up to his bottom. But he taught us all that there is always hope. His bottom was very bleak. But it was so worth it.
I recall what I did when he was admitted into his last rehab (14 months ago). I was so scared for his life. All I could do was to imagine him surrounded by white light. Sounds a little woo-woo for some; but it worked for me. I wouldn't allow any other thoughts about him take up room in my thoughts. I just would go into a meditative mode and imagine white light around his entire body. It gave me peace.
I hope your alcoholic is near his bottom. I also hope that no matter what, you take good care of yourself.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
