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We always hear them described as being racked with guilt and shame and I wonder if this is really true with all. My Ex A is a happy go lucky drunk at the bar and until something does not go his way and then he becomes a mad man. He has managed four DUI, jail time and spent several years in prison back in his twenties for cocaine and came from an abusive alcoholic home. Got sober for about three years of our nine year marriage and over a year sneak drinking. He loves to hang in the bars and play pool and now he has started buying cases and drinking at home and passing out. He will text once in a blue moon to say something like "Will I ever get this out of my system" and then I know what I have to do - too bad. He is appauled by doing anything that doesn't involve a few drinks becuase it's fun or it's the weekend, or I just go off work. Can they really just be enjoying themselves and have no self loathing or guilt? if so, how can you be in that much denial when you are on probation for a DUI and have mandatory classes and are downing a six pack a day and more on the weekends? He has always denied he drank becuase of his upbringing it's just a good time. I'm starting to feel like I'm the crazy one.
-- Edited by JJ21 on Monday 13th of August 2012 03:01:08 AM
I cannot let myself forget the "denial aspect" of addiction, which makes it a disease of mental illness, the mind seeks to escape reality, it lives in a state of delusion. Part of the insanity is, of course, we cannot convince an insane person they are insane, we cannot force them to recall (remember dammit!!!) the pain and humiliation of the last drunk. I have to remember it's a "disease" so that it doesn't become a moral issue with me, I start taking it personally and start building resentment....
I gotta watch myself too, wanting to escape reality or not wanting to FEEL my feelings, is all part of living in the problem which is my separation from Higher power. I gotta watch how I deal with my own anxiety and pain, how I use shopping, internet, food, etc. etc.
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 13th of August 2012 10:47:14 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Pinkchip you are right. I am having a horrible time accepting he is not changing for us. Over the nine years we lived together he never drank daily. I would say more of a binge drinker and we would fight and then not again for a few weeks. When he did start drinking heavily he got a DUI very quickly and 18 months of probation with antibuse. I left him 18 months ago because of the sneaking drinking and the verbal abuse and anger towards me over it. During the past 18 months he has drank heavily and daily. We started trying to get back together a few months ago and he was wonderful. We live in different states so it was weekends and phone calls. He even bought me a new wedding band. Then out of no where he decided he really didn't want to get sober and that I would not be able to handle his drinking and that he wanted to eliminate all stress from his life...... He has been under stress renting his own place finally and can barely manage to keep up with the bills due to his drinking. The weekends we spent together were without him drinking and he trying to prove that he doesn't have a problem that he can for a days without going onto DT's that I'm blowing his drinking out of proportion. I told him that I couldn't control the drinking and wasn't going to try but I was worried about his health, because he has gotten really skinny. This highly insulted him and he started picking fights with me ever since and thus the other comments about wanting to destress his life. I need to come to terms with the fact that I don't know who this man is anymore and he knew that he could not continue to play if off until Jan. when we would be able to move in together again. He continually blames me for leaving in the first place which I don't except responsibility for. He tried to get me to move back with him immediately and when I hesitated he changed his tune. It's like he wanted me to run down there and bail him out of his problems and when I didn't he just decided it wasn't worth the effort trying to keep up the I don't have a problem facade until Jan. He already drunk dialed me a few times and didn't remember. I saw the red flags and knew there were issues but I'm amazed in his drunken state that he saw this. He said that he knew I would do this - turn on him. I didn't turn on him I told him if he wanted our marriage I would stand by him and go to counseling with him (which he suggested) and he just quit calling unless he wants to fight with me about something and I don't know who this man is anymore. I am the one with the problem I see. I was so into getting back together because of the lousy living situation I am in now and missing my marriage that I did not think about how much damage 18 months of continous drinking could do and what I was getting myself into. I was so strong when I left and now I'm back to square one.
-- Edited by JJ21 on Monday 13th of August 2012 03:11:47 PM
Anyone that seems happy BECAUSE they are under the influence of whatever is not happy. They are under the influence. Once the influence is removed for a period of time and the brain hopefully returns to being more normal the true person can be seen.
True happiness may be when people handle what comes at them with an appreciation for their blessings and not bitterness for the bad things. True serenity does not come from a little yellow pill or a bottle.
The turmoil in ones life caused by drinking is not repaired by denial. It is the object of life to handle the bad things that come at me well and know how to enjoy and share the good things.
To be happy resolve problems like an adult and live like a kid. lol
You described addiction. Is an addict happy when they get their drug of choice? I don't know if "happy" is the word.
You seem to really be having a hard time with the fact that he isn't going to change for you. He's an addict - happy or not. That behavior isn't changing right now. What about you? You are lucky that you don't have to run to some substance for a false illusion of "happiness."
Seize the day! Do what makes you happy instead of thinking about how maddening his disease is.
I cant answer for the alcoholic, I can only see it from my point of view. I can appear happy when I am in 'Denial' - I can create an illusion to those around me by distracting myself by work or activities designed to ensure that I don't "feel" - but when I sit quietly I can acknowledge that true happiness only really comes when I am at peace with myself, others and the world around me. When I can feel my feelings, be Aware and Accept them and I cannot do that when I am addicted to People, Places or things.
You've already received some great replies, and my focus would be on your last line....
I'm starting to feel like I'm the crazy one.
To me, this is the epitomy of our challenge, and one we learn through OUR respective recoveries.... Before WE choose recovery, it's very, very easy to be manipulated - knowingly or otherwise - into believing that we are the proverbial bad guy, the crazy one, etc.... One of the true powers of the knowledge and recovery that we learn, however, is the ability to determine:
i) what is our part
ii) what is NOT our part
iii) the ability to hand their disease (and associated consequences) back to the A
If you're anything like me, and I can only assume that you are - you are NOT the crazy one, but you probably are a bit damaged by the disease of alcoholism....
I wish you well on your journey
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You have self awareness. You are better off than him because you are not in nearly as much denial. He is very sick. I also used to drink to "destress" but the drinking created the stress.... You would think any intelligent person could step back and see that - but they can't.
I have read your story and every word in it is truthful - His behavior defies logic.
You keep trying to reason with someone who is a twisted illogical addict though. I know it's hard not to take it personally when it's your marriage and you love the man, but it's all the disease at this point sounds like.
You didn't lose him to alcohol. It was never a competition with you. He lost himself to alcohol and through that, he is losing you too.
It's not about you - You are a wonderful, loving caring person I'm sure. I can see that just in your posts. His choices and behavior are about his alcoholism. Accepting that is so hard but once you do - you will regain a lot of serenity. No more need to ask "Why???!!!" Cuz the answer is so simple - he's an alcholic and not wanting to recover. Period. Alcohol takes all his feelings away as well as rational decision making. Hence, he can make all sorts of bad decisions and not feel bad about them. That is what an alcholic does.
Just would like to add: I thought my husband of 36 years consciously "chose" alcohol over me. But now I see that, like pinkchip state, it wasn't a competition. I know that it might feel that way to you right now. That feeling is part of our dis-ease.
I learned that whether my alcoholic drank are not had nothing to do with me.
I'd contemplate the feedback you received from these very wise men. You're worth it.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
