How to start? - Al-Anon Family Group

Lonely · Newbie

How to start?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Reading,"Getting Them Sober" volume one, Toby Rice Drew. I read that at the beginning years ago.

It's more what do you want to do? His stuff is his own, his drinking is his disease which we have zero control over, no more than we can stop the rain. So why bother trying?

What we do is learn skills to live with an addict here at Al Anon. We detach from their disease. For me it was loving him as I alway did, but his disease was his own. I was NO part of it. Was none of my business. If I could not accept him as is, then I didn't have to live with him. He has a right to his own integrity, his own life.

As you can see he feels so much guilt as it is, we don't have to put more on them.

We learn skills so we can stay if we choose. I learned to go into my room and read a book or watch tv when the ugly side of the disease came out. I did this when things were good too so it was nothing different.

I never argued. Refused to participate. You must be right. OH really, thats cool. I know its hard to be sick. I just stayed out of it. Or one too is wow I would not have made that choice are you going to be ok.

When he was a butt and threaten to leave I pointed at the door., Or if he was going burn something or break something, I did not freak. I chose to live with him, that was how he was. I did have my boundaries. He NEVER said anything bad about my person, never. I don't really know why. I like to think it is becuz he knew how sensitive I was and honestly he did love me all his life. When it is icky, its the disease not our loved one. We learn not to take it personal.

My first husband was killed when he was drunk. So you can imagine how i felt about the disease. But I loved this man since I was a kid, my second husband. and I hung in there for all it was worth,to glean all the moments we had left. When he started to abuse a dog and I pulled him away, that was that. my boundary was my animals and me. He tossed me over his shoulders and disabled mine for life. He was very brain damaged from brain surgery and addiction.

Al Anon has a ton of sayings that are simple and true. Going to meetings is so cool. You are welcome here all you want. We do relate. And btw I am proud of you for not allowing him to watch the kids. Some just don't quite get that.

Anyway you are welcome here. that book is a great start, coming here and reading and sharing and asking questions is great too. High schools have a career dept where kids advertise for jobs. Its a great way to find a dependable babysitter. If you can find an early meeting maybe a sitter could sit at the library with them? There are options!

anyway welcome, take care of you, you are NOT alone. hope to see you stay. debilyn

Lonely · Newbie

The thing is, that is is an amazing father, and husband. He isn't a mean drunk, he's a happy go lucky drunk, but its hard on me the next day because he is tired, won't help out in the morning, or often I have to go to work before him and he is so hungover and I have to take the kids to daycare. The happy times far outweigh the unhappy times, but the I see the downward spiral starting, and I want to stop it. I suppose I feel like I can control it somehow. But obviously I can't. And somehow, when I confront him about his behaviors (hiding empties, making it look like there is still 8 beers in the fridge by draining them from the bottom and putting the empties back, etc.) is MY fault. In fact it was much worse when I was pregnant and he turned me basically into a single mother with my first, but its starting all over again it feels like....I feel like I'm the one spinning out of control, like my life is crumbling.....

Is it normal to feel like if I let go, and let him deal with this on his own, for better or worse, I could essentially lose him? I am afraid to part ways because who would watch the kids? I couldn't make sure they were safe every night, and he hasn't ever harmed them, but he gets drunk enough at night that I wouldn't want him watching the kids alone. Is it strange that I almost wished he was cheating, it would be so much more black and white? I can't believe I repeated what I grew up with. (two alcoholic parents, both sober about 20+years now).

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sure what you mean by "part ways," but if you mean separating, single parents find lots of ways to get childcare. That is my situation. We exchange childcare with other families, use babysitters, family members, old friends, programs -- all kinds of things that you don't know about until you start looking and trading info with people in the same situation. Some people are worried that their alcoholic ex will get partial custody, but I have avoided having that happen, with good advice from my lawyer.

In the short term, there are often Al-Anon meetings that have childcare. If you call the local Al-Anon number, they should know which ones they are.

I hope you will keep coming back.

JJ21 · Veteran Member

If he is altering the beer cans so you don't know what he drank, there is an issue and he knows it. I left mine while I could see he was ready to roll again and sneaking. I did not want to go thru living with him again active. He became and is worse now than ever and blames me for leaving. While we did try to get back together he choose the bottle and freedom to drink. So if you think you can get help before leaving, do so because it is harder to try latter on. I too feel like I wish he would just tell me there was another woman. I could deal with him falling for someone else but to tell it's over alcohol is awful. I still don't believe it half the time and wonder if there is something I don't know. Learn about alanon and your choices before you give him one.

Lonely · Newbie

This is so hard. I should admit that when we first got together, I was right there drinking with him. We drank 5-6 days a week, but as the years went by, I stopped, we had kids, I am now the "responsible" and "strict" wife/parent that keeps what semblance of normalcy I can.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Lonely...Welcome to the board...you must stay and continue to read and participate. You will hear suggestions that have worked wonders for us whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. I myself was born and raise in the disease of alcoholism...It has been my entire life including my time in recovery. Recovery in my life is because of alcoholism and drug addiction in my life and that is the one thing I am beyond grateful for otherwise I wouldn't know how to live sanely.

A drunk is a drunk is a drunk and substitude alcoholic and it comes out the same...there is no such thing as a functional alcoholic especially if the spouse is thinking, feeling, acting and spiritually dysfunctional. Often times alcoholism can be detected not by looking for the drinker but by watching the spouse or non-drinkers. Your spouse isn't functional although we get what you mean.

My wives and other relationship were all addict or alcoholic/addict...it is how I knew how to live...having a "cold" one was like having cheerios for breakfast or a tuna sandwich for lunch. There was always more booze in the house than milk or fruit juices or whatever...it was there, it was there to drink, it was there and we drank it...all the time. Fast forward to my second marriage to an alcoholic/addict and I'm crazier than all get out and can't find my way out of the maze or a quiet place to just lay down and die and my Higher Power gets me into the Al-Anon Family Groups to sit and listen with an open mind and to see if I can recognize any saving graces in and for my life. Wallah!! the miracle happened and I want to pass that on to you. Find the hotline number to Al-Anon in your area and get to where and when we meet in your area and come sit with us...there is no requirement other than to take your seat and listen. You won't have to tell us your full name or why you're there; don't have to mention your husband and you won't need any money. If you don't have someone safe and sane to watch the youngster for an hour and a half; bring the youngster and something to keep it busy. It is very very important that you come and join us or you will not most likely hear the language and message of recovery from insanity elsewhere.

Again welcome to the board...stick around here to because there at very powerful messages here for you also.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Jsjjkelly · Member

Oh my gosh! This could be me!! So much so, that we went to my AH's family reunion last year, mYmother in law was speaking to a distant relative describing how my husband cleared out ours and their mini fridge on our last cruise, and yet I don't drink at all which makes it really uncomfortable. I felt like their son being a drunk isn't uncomfortable, but my choosing to be the responsible one is??? How backwards is that??? My husband has in effect turned me into a single parent. He'll even say he has no problem abstaining at work because he doesn't want to jeopardize his career. But has no problem jeopardizing his personal life, his marriage or his kids by spending every evening drunk. It got so bad he'd pick up our daughter from practice drunk. Personally, I drew the line and said I'd had enough. We'd tried counselling 3 times and one suggested I get a breathalyzer. So part of my boundary setting I told him I don't trust him and I refuse to be near him drunk. Of course it was an argument each time I asked. And he was positive every time he swore he didnt drink that day. I explained it to my kids how dad was not a nice guy when he was drinking, almost in effect putting him in time out when he did. So when it was positive, I'd take the kids out and leave him behind. Then one night my daughter asked why he doesn't want to be with us, because he could be with us if he didn't drink. I kicked him to the spare room and told him if he didnt start figuring it out, the next step is we start separating. Problem is I've been a stay at home mom for 8 years,who's going to hire me? And in this economy? I don't stand a chance at landing a job that could support me and my 2 kids. Insult to injury he's military, and all our family lives states away. My husband could be yours. He's a great dad and my kids love him. His coworkers would not believe the guy they see during the day isn't the same guy in the evenings. He's started going to aa meetings and we're going on a month. But this is after 3 attempts at counseling. Each of those times he'd say the therapist was a quack or some way to discount her/him when they got closer to the problem. Then I felt like I got the pity look from them once they reached a certain pointl Being a newbie at this all, I don't have much advise that's probably correct. Just wanted to say hang in there! But so far, this has been working for me. Shawn

-- Edited by Jsjjkelly on Monday 13th of August 2012 09:41:04 PM

Lonely · Newbie

I think the hardest part for me is that he goes in cycles. I just recently keep a monthly log for July. I marked every night that he drank, a different mark if he got drunk, and a different mark if it affected me and the kids in some way. When he look, and saw that there was only about 8 days/nights alcohol free, and no more that a two days in a row of no drinking....it seemed like it clicked. In fact, he hasn't had a drink since July. When he does this, it makes me doubt all of my feelings and worries, because he isn't drinking. I can see now, how I am my own worse enemy...its the same cycle for me too.....its just crazy that it can be 75% good, but the 25% bad, is really bad.

Jsjjkelly · Member

I'm going through the same exact thing!! I downloaded a diary program online and just started writing it all down. His last drink was July 2nd. He had one slip up which amounted to his moving to our spare room. So we're going on 6 weeks now. He's been going to meetings and he'll come home asking questions... They've all been so productive. My parents divorced when I was little and HATE each other. I told him its bizarre for me because I don't hate him, but I can't live with him if he continues to drink. The kids enjoy spending time with him now too. I am SOOO hoping this lasts... Otherwise he'll be moving on to his next base without us. We have one year to make this decision. The proof is in the pudding, right? It'll only show in time and actions. Do what's best for you and your kids and everthing else will fall into place, whatever that decision may be Shawn

Faith_Love_2005 · Newbie

Your story sounds a lot like how mine went...the hubby started just drinking each day after work, to finding a reason to have a cold one before noon, to eventually drinking beer, wine, and vodka from the time he got up until he would pass out on the living room floor...what finally started to effect him was when I would tell him that our son would lay down beside him on the floor crying for daddy to wake up...I even video'd him a time or two just to prove this..he finally hit rock bottom...and could not take the thought that he was not caring like he wanted for our two little ones...he has now spent 30 days in an inpatient recovery center, and been sober 42 days, taking one day at a time and putting his all towards being a recovery alcoholic. Our family and I are very prod of him...but to be honest, until he was ready to make the change, nothing would have made him take that first step to living a different lifestyle. I struggled a lot because my father drank for 47 yrs, and has now been sober for 12 yrs...but I have sought one on one counseling to get through this myself. What I am learning is that I can't control his decisions, but I can take care of myself (and my babies two)...I will continue to have faith and love for my hubby though....and VERY proud of him! Take care of you --- and have faith! Hugs to you..

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