Fear - Vent - Al-Anon Family Group

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Fear - Vent

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

My phone is having a bad 24 hours. I tried to make it better by calling a list of people but nobody is answering. And the texts keep rolling in, at first just jibberish to me like comments about blue skies and pain that developed into wanting to have breakfast and what I feel is threatening, I am on my way, I'm coming over, statements. I have not replied to any of them for weeks now and I won't.

So here I sit, refusing to leave without my dogs because of my exAH's past that includes home invasion and hating the fact that I am legally blind, can't drive, can't see if he is stalking around my home ... can't see who is at the door. It is like being a prisoner in a different way than when I was living with him.

I do not trust him in the small ways of personal safety I did up til a few weeks ago. His behavior is eratic and I saw evidence of him being in fights the last couple times I saw him. I am of no use to him any longer. With my request of no contact there is no hope of a caregiver, no chance to steal items for money or my medication. These are key as his true high is not reached unless the full cycle of theft, lies and then use til pass out is achieved. Just getting the high of toxins is not his true addiction or maybe not his only addiction. I don't know and I do not want to know more of the progression than what I have already learned.

My fears ... the next best step is to call the police if he shows up. The last time i called 911 I was told word for word "Lady if you are not being stabbed, raped, shot or murdered you are not a priority" Not much of a comforting memory. But I will call. And tomorrow find out who his parole agent is to ask for no contact will me be part of his parole if it is still in effect. If not start the restraining process if I qualify for one ... he knows the system well. Gotta trust my HP.

I fear loss of my meager possessions as well. I know I should not, they do not really matter but dang it I have worked hard to get here after walking out with nothing. Gotta be willing to let go.

I fear my fear turning me bitter. I used to hate the disease and have compassion for the my exAH. I am starting to hate them both. I fear going back to that place of not trusting isolation. Gotta take care of me.

Thanks for letting me vent it out. I am going to go do something constructive and loud like shampoo the carpet so I do not hear the door or phone for a while, maybe I'll wear headphones too.

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Jerry, I had not thought of the TRO idea.

I am prepared to enforce the order. Not only do I now have a very clean bedroom carpet but also a new understanding of my motives for trying to remain on speaking terms with my exAH. Just another form of my own manipulation and attempt to control an uncontrollable situation in order to have a false sense of security by knowing just how normal or insane he is at any given moment. I am tired of gauging the danger meter and nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm ready.

I did file a complaint about the horrid experience with the 911 call. I did not have a recording but did have a witness listening to both sides of the call. The man who was trying to break down the door of my half of a duplex instead of the neighbor's door by mistake was chased away by my landlady and her dog a couple hours before any emergency help came. The operator's reasoning was that too many calls had come from that address previously to take it seriously, never mind that I had just moved in. Thankfully I live in a better area now. Within a few months of my and many other complaints another ignored 911 call led to the death of a young woman and many changes have been made since then. I appreciate your point of this type of emergency service response being part of the abuse, it is true and it helped to hear that from someone.

Jen

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Jen, what can we do to make you feel safer? I know how you feel. But at least I can see. Since I have had Yeti, my guard dog, I NEVER feel scared anymore. not ever.

You may want to look into a dog who is a guard dog, who will bite someone if they come into your home. Being alone you are wise to consider this. A woman alone is even moreso in trouble these days, especially with meth addicts.

Remember I told you I have bells and wind chimes everywhere? I mean on gates, on fence, on my door. You can make it so someone would bump into them by you hanging them in your yard and walkway. Heighten your hearing security. Remember too, to have that hornet spray that goes 20 feet. Gets them far away.

RO here you have to be in fear of your life. Has he threatened to kill you? Make it clear he has threatened your being.

Whatever officer who spoke to you that way, needs for you to call his boss. That was totally inappropriate! We all know that domestic violence is real, that people KNOW when someone is out to get them.

I don't like it that you are afraid Jen. Do you have a motion light? Can't you block him from texting and calling? Maybe change your number, do not give it out. I feel so secure with Yeti between me and everyone. He is in the front. Now he is sleeping on my front porch. He likes to be close anyway. He may sleep in here, by the door in cold winter. He will probably be too hot though.

Can you fence in your front yard too? Put a mailbox if you have one, outside your fence. Can put a doorbell out there that goes into your house too. But this way there would be a dog who does not know him, and will show him he is not welcome. Jen it does not have to be a monster like your baby. What ya use is a territorial dog. One who protects and watches over his property. Yeti is very serious and boy you know it too.

then your stuff is safe too. There is nothing wrong for you to not want him taking your stuff! I had to really put up a strong front when I said I was getting a guard dog. People were like omgosh she is getting another dog. Well poo on them. they are married and have family around. NO ONE knows what it is like to live alone until they do.

What can I do to help my friend? love,debilyn OH also you can put a hot fence around your property as it would be for your dogs! I cannot have one, I am too stupid, I always shock myself and noone else does...hahahaha

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

((Deb)), I am NOT getting another dog LoL These two, after being used to my big lazy guy, are about to do me in as it is! They are young but both do naturally choose to defend, the little one by noticing everything and the little moose has started the stand in between trait when he feels it is needed.

I have not been threatened in that way. I have observed his actions when all options of access are cut off. They have become physically destructive. I do not want the texts but I do want the record of my request and his non-compliance to it.

My home is secure. I have been working on that for a couple years now, slowly. And last week cleared out three truckloads of foliage. I am asking for solar motion lights and a door monitoring camera for my birthday ... another reason to add to the strange girl child label but my Dads will be proud LoL With school starting in a few weeks I have a football team practicing in my backyard more often than not. There will soon be hundreds of people walking by my house all day long. And lots of patrol coverage day and night. I can't ask for a better place to located in this situation :)

The hardest thing is finding ways to put to rest each trigger that makes me panic in this last step. Change is scary and letting go of the need to know a rough idea of his sanity is hard for me because it makes me feel safe. I am sure I will make mistakes but I am ready. I have done what I can and the rest is up to HP.

Jen

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Jen,

GAK .. what an awful way to feel. I also hope you will call a domestic violence shelter and see what they would advise you to do along with a TRO there is something and maybe it's just phrased differently depending on the state called an order of protection. I think it's probably pretty similar or the same as a TRO. Please do what is necessary to give yourself some peace. My ex used to do things like that and I got so tired of the threats I finally got seriously brave and said ok .. come on over the police will be waiting. This was before texting, so I listened to phone call after phone call with this crap on it.

Sending you lots of love and support as you walk your journey.

Hugs P :)

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