After 6 yrs I think its finally over. My head wants this, my heart does not. Its really quiet at home without him here, without the drama, without all the chaos. I am lonely with him and even lonelier without him. There has been so much drama lately soomething in me broke. Literally broke. It was so ugly and unattractive, irrational, inappropriate I am upset at myself for losing my control. He had a gun to his head on July 4th (again) and something broke in me, its indescribbable. Other things happened the same cycle of promises, change, hope build a life together and I did what I always did, hoped. In no time he did what he does best, he complete the dysfunctional cycle - and this time I lost my selfcontrol. I watched my daughter hurt the way I do, her hope crushed, her disaapointment and I couldn't watch him hurt her again. I RAGED for over an hour, tried to physically hit him multiple times. I had become the problem on the Friday night. I became so angry I don't remeber half of what I did. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me and my daughter so many times over the yrs. I don't know what happened inside me. I just know I haven't been the same since the 3rd gun incident July 4th.

He finally left (again) and we haven't spoke in 7 days. I wanna cry, but can't. I wanna scream and have a break down, but can't. I can't focus on anything. I have my Monday meetings, but I am so consummed with feelings I can't begin to describe, I don't hear anything anyone is saying to me. I called a therapist I am going Tuesday. A voice in my head says call him, the pain will stop, but the other voice says "are you crazy?" Let's recount the gazzilion things he has done to you! He does not love you, he only loves alchohol. But nights like tonight and days throughout my week, when I would share things about my day and my life with my sober best friend throw me right back into depression, then the other voice says call him..... the pain will stop. Logically I know it would be inviting the pain back in to my life....... What is holding me so close to him I can't break free even at the expense of my sanity? There has to be some twisted mental thing that makes me continue to want him. I hate this about me and I hate this about him!!!!! I know better, but he has become my addiciton. I just want to be healthy.

I know that feeling well. I can't really pinpoint when it changed and I was truly wanting him gone and not craving him. It was only a few weeks ago. It was sudden and I was better with him gone. I was at peace, my house is at peace, and my kids are at peace. (Except my cat who keep pooping on the floor instead of his box. Grrr...) The one thing I did spend much more time doing was praying. I prayed at every turn, I prayed for strength, clarity, and for the feeling of missing him to be taken from me if it was God's will for me. Also, this board and f2f meetings were a huge part of my progress. I am still coming here as much as I possibly can, because I know myself and I know I can be telling you this in one minute something could trigger me to miss him, contact him, or get soft when he contacts me. I also think about my kids, and if my kids were in this situation, I would be so sad for them. I don't want to send the message to my daughter or sons that tolerating this chaos is OK. I have to care about myself as much as I care about them.

My "real life" friends and family don't understand why I stayed. Most of them give me advice, tell me to leave, shake their head when I stayed, or went back. That's why I felt so much better about talking, expressing myself, my fears, frustration etc, to Alanon members. They were the ONLY ones that made me feel ok with staying, going, or doing nothing for now. But, with that support, I have gotten so much stronger. With my real life people, I either talk more than I should and regret it, or hold things in and feel alone.

I too started to feel like the me I used to know, was fading away. Over the  last year, during this mess (It was a three year mess, but the last year was a big deal.) I gained weight, started to physically look tired on a daily basis, lost energy, lost self esteem, lost my sense of self. I grew bitter, and annoyed and short tempered. I started to dislike me. I started to lose my sense of self worth. Everyone I know tells me I am so strong and smart and a wonderful nurse, mother, friend, etc. But, the relationship I was in became about the disease of alcoholism. I felt anxious and worried all of the time. If my (Now-ex) AF was stressed or didn't answer his phone, I went into freak out mode and started to think he was drinking. I called in sick to my job as an RN on days that I thought he "might" start drinking again. I wound up being on final written warning for attendance at my job. I had been an RN at the same job for 10 years and then I let my job get put on the line for this. I was getting pretty sick.

8 years ago after my divorce from my husband, father of my 4 kids, I immediately got into a 2 year relationship with an abusive, active alcoholic. I never came to Alanon. I was as angry and bitter as I was getting to be in this most current relationship. I reconciled with that A a few times before he wound up in jail for the 3rd time for being physically abusive to me. I was never afraid to call the police and I did. But, thinking back I cannot believe what I put up with. I really wish I would have gone to Alanon sooner. It would have probably helped me to avoid the re-do with the next guy.

I got to the point with my real life friends where I just tell them to trust me. I also tell the ones that give advice that I won't confide in them if I feel judged. Don't worry so much about losing your friends if you don't do what they think you should do.

I still want the sober exAF. We were best friends. I have never felt more comfortable with another man in my life. We fit together so well, had so much in common, laughed, had fun, and were best friends. But, alcoholism was stronger than that. I couldn't stay any longer, because I never felt at ease. I was always waiting for him to drink again. After 3 relapses in 3 years, all that lasted less than 6 weeks, I realized I would always feel like it could happen at any moment. I knew he would get sober again. But, at that point, I realized that for me it was all about the big picture.

I am no expert. I am on here every day or so with my newest struggle. But, I know I have made so much progress!!!

We become addicted to them like they are addicted to the bottle. You have to break your addiction to him and realize that maybe you are in love with the what if's and his potential. Someone said to me if a stranger treated you like he does would you want to take him out or take him to bed? I try to tell myself everyday. I can't and don't love someone who is willing to treat me that way. I think I love who is was or who he could be in his moments. After a while your self esteem starts to suffer and makes it hard to move on. Look at the codependent's page, it opened my eyes to some of my behaviors. Still miss what could have been....... but trying to face the reality of what it really is and most likely will always be if they do not commit to a program, which most don't.

Iwannafly - One of the reasons I'm drawn to your story is that my relationship with my Ex-A did turn that volatile leading up to us breaking up. I literally "broke" in terms of our relationship the last time he took all my antidepressants trying to kill himself while he was wasted, called his mother to say goodbye and then his mother called me to get him to the ER so she wouldn't have to "bury her son." It was like the crazy meter finally tipped when he started fighting the cops, almost got tazed and then gave me the finger cursing while strapped to a gurney on his way out. He didn't remember that when he was on a locked psych ward a couple days later. It was in the 2 weeks that he was in that hospital that I really realized that, even though I was scared and lonely, I was better off on my own. He got out, things got crazy again, but I was so done at that point. I did scream at him. I recall some loud loud arguments that he "@#$@#$#ed up my whole life" and I almost punched him a few times. A couple of times my screaming at him had gotten so loud that I had to be warned against disturbing the peace. That relationship had gone so toxic.... Of course complicating the matter, was my own alcoholism. I guess I just wanted to share that this was the point I was at when I packed 2 grocery bags of clothes and just left and did not look back. I went to AA the next day (it was more pressing for me than Alanon at the time) and started healing myself and getting stronger.

I lost myself in that relationship. I lost my own sense of what was "normal" and I lost confidence in myself. Things are a lot different now. Much better. My life had to get that dramatic and out of hand in order to do the serious 12 step work I have done. You are not alone. Keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and keep sharing this with your supports in Alanon.

Littlehawk & Pinkchip,

I understand how you feel. I was raised by 2 addicts. Its a very short step for me to abuse anything if I choose too and get violent. I learned from the best! I am not addicted to anything except cigarettes, but I too would get to the f*&% it point and join in with him so I wouldn't have to tolerate his obnoxious hurtful spells again. Or I'd pull the "oh ya, well I'll show you" drinking spell. I quickly realized I was only hurting myself, cuz in reality he didn't care and then would use my drinking as another excuse and why I couldn't say anything to him. I've worked do hard my entire life not to be that person and break my roots.

I am really struggling internally right now. So many negative thoughts in my head, 2 different voices talking to me continually one good the other bad. Like I said I was raised by addicts! It killed my dad and my mom is unrecognizable now. Literally unrecognizable, lost all her teeth, weeks without bathing, feces all over her welfare apartment, you get the picture. This is my BIG secret and shame. If you met me, you would NEVER know this is where I come from. I am incredibly successful, have a better life than most, great kids, nice home, attractive, etc.... BUT I am ONLY attracted to addicts. The nice guys bore me to tears! I have witnessed and been through so much in my childhood normal bores me within 5 mins. I've been divorced for 14 yrs, I've only had 2 serious relationships in that time, both were abusive, cheating, lying alcoholics! There is something wrong with me at my core and it terrifies me! I go through all this pain leaving my man of 6 yrs that I do love when it took me yrs to find him. I jest, I could go to the local bar and find another, but it doesn't work like that for me. My facade is falling for them while they are still hiding it from me the ones that clean up well. As an adult child I avoid feelings at all cost! I will be alone again for yrs until the next addict rolls into my life for more destruction. So why put myself through this now when I know what I will ultimately do again.......