Hello,

I'm not sure exactely what I am looking for, but, I am here, and I do feel a need to tell my story. So hear it is, for anyone who wants to listen.

My husband is a binge drinker. He doesn't drink every day, but it sure does seem like it more often than not lately. When he does drink, he cannot stop himself until he passes out. I enjoy an occaisional drink here and there, but I don't like getting drunk to the point of passing out. He does not work, so that's why he has so much time to drink and leave me with a majority of responsibilty around here. He has not been able to hold down a job for more than a week here and there in the almost 9 years we've been married. He collects social security disability for extreme anxiety, but is currently "looking for work". 

In the last eight and a half years of marriage, he went from being a loving and dedicated husband, to someone I don't know half the time. He started drinking heavily after we had our daughter. When he's sober, he is a wonderful father and my best friend. When he drinks, he becomes a stupid jerk and I can't stand it when he slurs his speech. Every few months he has a bad night where things get a little out of hand and he used to punch holes in the walls and we basically lost our deposit on the last place we rented because of him. He already has a DUI from 4 years ago, and am scared he will get another, because he still drives sometimes while drunk. He actually almost did get a second DUI, but the cop felt sorry for him and let him go(I know, he got REALLY lucky). The cop asked him if he had a family, to which my husband replied "yes," and then told him to get out of the car and call a ride home. After that night it made him think, so he did not drink and drive for awhile, but now still does it sometimes because he gets "overly confident" when he drinks. We have always been "tight" on finances no matter how much money I make. If there is $5 left at the end of the week between paychecks, he'll go buy beer with it. Any time that we do have extra money, it's gone right away, because he'll buy what he wants, when he wants. He doesn't keep track like I do. I've gotten a little smarter and recently talked him into getting a bank account separate from mine, but I still end up giving him money when he asks because if I don't it'll start an all-night fight or he'll just use his credit card that never gets paid down(for reasons like this-it's like every time I make a payment, it gets ran back up again) we have already filed for bankruptcy two years ago, and am scared to death that we will have to do it again if I can't get him to change his spending habits. Ok, I have not been perfect either, but when a mom works full time, takes care of the kids, house, etc. and barely has enough time to herself as it is, it's hard not to eat out all the time for dinner and lunch...and that really burns a hole in my wallet. I come home every day after a long day at work to an overwhelmingly dirty house, so it's very easy to become "lazy" on the weekends and buy fast food all week for dinner. I also struggle to get homework done with my 8 year old daughter every night, who has ADD. He basically does the bare minimum with the kids around here and leaves me to do the rest while he drinks and hangs out in his online chatroom. Now add a newborn baby to all this, who demands constant feedings and diaper changes, and it's scaring the crap out of me. I am afraid to go back to work next week. I will be exhausted all the time, more so than before. My daughter is home all day for the summer, and complains that we're boring and don't do anything because dad's either passed out or doing his own thing, and I'm too tired or busy with the baby. I have seen over the years how my husband's drinking has affected her, and I don't want my son to go through the same. I feel that it will take years of damage control at this point to give my daughter a normal life and happy childhood....and why? Because every time I tried to leave my husband and make a better life for us, I would always find an excuse to stay- I can't afford childcare and I have no back-up, no other place to go, etc. It's not fair to her, and now I want a chance to turn things around and do right by my children. I want to start over with my daughter and give my newborn son a good start in life, without having to see his dad drunk every weekend. I have wasted damn near a decade, basically my twenties, on this life....how much longer am I going to put up with this? I love him, but he won't change, and I am just now learning to accept that. Recently, I'm not even sexually attracted to him anymore, and the thought of sleeping with him makes me physically ill.

After our most recent falling out last year, I thought we were really going to turn things around. We made plans to move away out of state and get a fresh start. We got pregnant again after holding back for so many years(for obvious reasons). One year and a baby later after moving 2,000 miles away from family, I have become extremely depressed. He has been drinking more and more, and I hardly ever talk to my friends and family back home anymore because I am so depressed. I completely lost contact with 2 close friends of mine-one because of my husband's behavior and other because I moved away and we drifted apart. Everyone I have confided in about my situation is basically sick of hearing about it because I keep going back to him, so I feel like I can't ask for help anymore.

A couple of nights ago, my husband had another "bad night". He tried to hold our son(who is barely a month old) and nearly fell over. I tried to stop him, but he insisted on holding him, and I didn't want to hurt the baby, so I just stayed close to him and made sure he didn't fall. He then proceeded to tell our son what a bad mother I am in front of me. He then tearfully confessed that he is scared because a skeleton from his past-basically a gang related thing, has recently come back to haunt him. I won't go into details, all I can say is that this is my first time hearing about this, and he wasn't directly a member of this gang, but "did some work" for them a long time ago before he knew me. He sort of tried to cut himself with a dull kitchen knife, he was so upset....I had to take it away from him. I am now scared for me and my kids' life as this is a potential threat to our personal safety.  I can't go to the cops, because if I do, it could make things a lot worse. Now that he is sober, we have been talking and I am so confused! It's like everything is back to normal again, but when I confront him about his confession, he's not denying it, and he's just being very cryptic and keeps telling me "don't worry about it."

I now have a potential second chance. I have an opportunity to move back home with the kids and have a free place to stay. It's small, but it will work. All I have to do is babysit a four year old along with my own kids, basically. Only problem is I don't know what I will do for residual income to pay the bills, my car note, my cell-phone, food, etc.  I plan to look for a job when I get there ASAP, but it would have to work around the hours I would be watching the four-year old, and I cannot apply for government assistance until I have lived there for a year. I would have to leave my job here behind, which I am feeling extremely guilty about. I just got paid yesterday(I have been doing some work from home while on maternity leave), and have just enough right now before I pay any bills to get back home but no income when I get there. I am also afraid of any legal recourse this might have when my husband finds out where we are, and I am feeling extremely guilty about taking his kids away from him, but I have no where else to go. I know my daughter will be upset. She has just started to make some friends and like it here, and we would be leaving behind a lot of her toys and our three cats. I know it will traumatize her, and I feel so guilty, but I can't leave her with her dad. I am also afraid of telling my boss.....what am I going to say?

I have been getting a lot of signs lately from my higher power that this is what I have to do. It's now or never. I also plan to find an Al-Anon chapter as soon as I am able and will find a good church, as I have recently re-discovered my faith and how much it helps me get through this. I guess you can say I've hit my "rock bottom" and this is it.....I just cannot shake this overwhelming feeling of extreme GUILT. I have realized that the only reason I have stayed and enabled him is because it's easier to co-exist with the problem instead of getting away from it and starting over. I also subconcouisly want to believe that he will change "someday"....I'm always holding out false hope for that unattainble dream of a normal family-for the white picket fence ideal: Steady income, nice house, two kids and a dog, but that will never happen since my husband and I are not on the same page. I know he wants the same things but is not willing to work for them, but I am. He refuses to believe he has a problem and won't get help.  He's been to AA before and said it's "not his thing"(this was after I left him for three weeks and he was going to AA, but stopped as soon as I came back home). He's been drinking more and more since we moved away, getting drunk at least every weekend, making me believe that he now knows that he calls all the shots and has control over the situation, because he knows I will not leave now(or so he thinks). I am afraid I will lose my job again because of him. At my last job that I was "laid off" from, I had taken out multiple payday loans, and was always late and taking frequent days off because he would be too drunk or hungover to watch our daughter or take her to school. I am afraid this will happen again when I go back to work, and I have already gotten in trouble before over my attendance. I have had to regretfully leave our daughter with him while he was drunk sometimes because I HAD to go to work and was afraid of losing my job. I have gone to jail before because of him, and nearly lost custody of our daughter that night(that's another long story). I'm afraid he will destroy the apartment we live in now. It's not just being afraid. I think, in the back of my mind, as long as he continues to drink and deny he has a problem, he WILL do all this again, and being miles away from any family and truly nowhere to go just makes me feel that much more helpless. So, in order to give my children that chance at a "normal life", I have to take a risk and take this opportunity, because I know I will be kicking myself later if I don't.

Anways, like I said, not sure what kind of advice I am looking for here, not even sure if I am really looking for advice. I guess I just wanted to vent, if anything...thank you for reading and listening, and I will probably be on this site again for support as I go though this journey, because I definetely can't do it alone.