They say to keep your expectations low. In alanon, I believe the focus is more on knowing that you will be okay and that you have a chance regardless of what happens with him. You don't need to let his disease keep you isolated. Keep reaching out.

Thanks everyone, I will most likely be on here regularly as I have two small children (1 and 3) and the meetings are in the evening which makes it almost impossible for me.

Let me tell you my story. My husband owns and runs a restaurant/bar with his brother and parents. He hates the business and has left on a few occasions but has always been called back because they have struggled without him. One time he was running a dive lodge in Northern Mozambique and he was called back because his brother collapsed from doing too much (drugs and alcohol).
We met in 2005 and both partied hard, as you do when you are single and falling in love. We settled down and I fell pregnant early 2008. From that moment things went pear-shaped, or rather I saw how hectic his lifestyle really was. He refused to stop his ways and join me in a quieter lifestyle, instead left me at home while he was out boozing hard every night while "working". Most nights he got home between 3 and 4am. I worked normal hours so we never saw each other. When baby was born he got even worse. She was 2 days old and he was gone the whole day lying about work and why he couldn't come home. Things got progressively worse until I broke off the engagement and told him rehab or bust; our daughter was 6 months old. He did an outpatient program at the local rehab but would come home from the sessions saying "there are some serious addicts in there... I don't belong with them, I have a job and a car and a family etc". He soon tired of the Antabuse and had me terrified he would die one night after having a few beers just to see what would happen. He did improve after that rehab stint, enough for me to agree to marry him and have another baby. Of course the moment I fell pregnant he shut down and the late nights began again and I put my foot down again. This time we went to see a psychologist who said the same thing; his drinking is the problem and we have an unhealthy child (him) - parent (me) dynamic. He pulled himself together for a while and then we got some bad news at one of the baby's scans: there was a potentially life-threatening problem with her heart. We had to travel across the country for echoes and tests and in the meantime he was wobbling dangerously again. I moved out of our bedroom and had a bit of a breakdown. Only then did he make some changes that were necessary at work and as a result he had fewer busy shifts to always blame his drinking on. We had to spend a month away from home on the other side of the country to deliver our baby and after that he seemed to keep himself together. In fact, the first 8 months of her life were the best I recall having with him. One day though, the dark side reemerged and it never went away for 5 months until I kicked him out two weeks ago and gave him an ultimatum. Of course he goes to stay with his mother who says to me all he needs is good food, vitamins and rest and he will be just fine. She refused to believe that he is an alcoholic even though I had spoken to her about it way back in 2008. He even told them at the end of 2010 that he has a problem and our marriage is on the rocks because of it. She believes that he drinks the way he does because of me and our relationship which has alway been turbulent thanks to his addictions. Needless to say I have no support from his family and he has never backed me up at all, he loves playing the victim card and would throw me under the bus with them at every opportunity.
The good news out of all of this is that they have decided it is best if he does not return to the business when he gets out. I am deliriously happy with this news and at last we will be able to have a life free of the oppressive weight of his family. He can be his own man for the first time in 20 years and we only have ourselves to worry about now. I am a bit concerned about what you say hotrod, that we should make no major changes for at least 6 months... we just don't have that luxury. If anything it is something that absolutely has to take place if we have any sort of chance at happiness, and if he has any chance at recovery.

Tomorrow I will see him after no contact at all this week. I am so excited to talk to him about our future but I am also afraid to go ecause we were such wrecks on Monday that we barely spoke, and this was after months of fighting and a week of separation. I have so many emotions running through me that I am almost unable to feel anything. I feel like I am going slightly mad, but in a very emotionless way.