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I'm exhausted. I got visit of all my family this summer. After so many years they finally thought it was worth visiting me....after yers ignoring me and hardly talking to me. I was happy and relieved at first, because I saw that time and patinece does set things right.
we mangaged to have a decent good time for a week. Then I exploded. When they are around ( they are all drinking a huge amount, it's like this happy family that get 'so happy and funny' when they have the evening drink. no family day without drinks. and there are children around too. It's not just 1-2 glasses of wine per dinner, which is quite normal in our cultural circles, it's drinking until all bottles available are empty and people feel drunk.that has then usually been a successfull 'fun' evening... and alcohol is the main actor, troning on the table) last night I couldn't join in anymore. I recently almost lost my ABF to that stuff, we are working hard to work through, realizing what we did both wrong.
And then they all came, with the alcohol, debalancing it all. Denying it all, belitteling me, calling me extreme, histeric, never taking me seriously, because they think they can control it still. ... I almost threw one bottle through the window in a fight. I have so much anger inside, it's scary. This is not me. I'm not like that at my natural. There are 6 people I have to deal with in discussions, trying to defend myself, which i should not even be doing, to show them I'm not crazy...for years now, frustrating fights. I know I should not react at all...but it is just too hurtful, feeling invisible since childhood, true affection having been replaced by aclcohol. and so many fights, unnecessary fights, ugly fights, when alcohol speaks. They were supposed to meet my ABF also for the first time, but how can I enter him in aroom like that, he is still fighting to stay sober. How can i take that responsability, sitting him next to my father, and hoping they will not end up in a joyful, oh so funny loaded evening, where they'll send the crazy one home, once more, because she is ruining it all with her too serious anxiety. I am sacred for that too. I retired to another room, missed the whole dinner, that's one of many similar scenes, that's what I have been used to since teenager years. Me hiding and crying in one room, the family crowd in the other room , screaming, fighting, laughing.....with alcohol. I feel really lonely, and I can't keep it up anymore. if I refuse a glass, my father says, really? with this same disappointed look, like he has lost a plying partner for histeam. then he says he has much more fun outside of the family. that people belittle him in his own family. And my mother standing behing him, enabling him, loving him so much. Is ist possible that 6 people are crazy and don't see what's happening??..or am I the crazy one, not wanting reality to be shut down...or are we all simpy a crazy lost family.
I don't want to live like that, i feel calm and well when they are far, even though i miss them and love them. but it's a hopeless love. with my ABF, things are currently ok, but also not the easiest.... I have no more energy, and I'm sacred it will all fall to pieces very soon.
Alone or on a distance I'm happiest , even though I'm a 'family person', caring....but I nurture myself best. I don't trust close relationships, it always ends up in chaos for me, alcohol won the battles. I feel frustrated, I'm going completely insane, nobody is meant to live like that.
Wow Tortuga, sounds like a visit to the mental hospital. I know you want to have family around and be supported, but Alcoholics are the wrong people to try and help. They have to defend what they are doing. Thats probably why they attack you.
I hope that Jerry will read your post, he has the most experience and wisdom on this subject. Comming from a family of alcoholics and helping people of alcoholics. I dont have much experience with this. As nobody in my family ever had a drinking problem. I do know that you probably have to think of putting some boundaries in place.
I love living across the country from my family whom I do love with dettachment. You aren't crazy we get red flags for a reason. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It certainly sounds a great deal like my family of origin Our semi annual gatherings are just as you describe Before alanon I too felt as you do and fought them on many levels.
I started alanon in earnest when I hit a huge emotional bottom and then stopped attending family functions all together. I made an excuse and did not go. They did not seem to mind . The parties continued and so did our connections. They called to gossip, tell tales and then when I did not respond, as they thought I should They stopped calling. That was perfect for me. It gave me time to recover. I developed my new alanon tools of validating myself, living one day at a time, trusting HP and refusing to gossip or criticize anyone .
Slowly I began to attend family functions again I would stay for an hour and leave. It worked They have not changed--- I have!!! I no longer engage in disputes with them, expect them to be different, or need their approval. I attend, validate myself and enjoy the surface connections Then I leave and let them "Live"
Keep taking care of yourself an doing what you need to do to grow into the person you want to be.
. The parties continued and so did our connections. They called to gossip, tell tales and then when I did not respond, as they thought I should They stopped calling. That was perfect for me. It gave me time to recover. I developed my new alanon tools of validating myself, living one day at a time, trusting HP and refusing to gossip or criticize anyone .