Someone slap me! - Al-Anon Family Group

katfshh · Senior Member

Someone slap me!

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

I don't see anything that you did wrong - just trying to tie up some of those loose ends, ya know....it's just sad that it has to stir up more pain for you. Ya have a couple of choices; 1) change your phone number or 2) let the calls go to an answering machine - send him a text with the name & number then erase the message from you answering machine and do not answer any return texts from him -- you passed on the info and it's up to him to follow up without you being in the middle.

My ''inhouse handyman'' (currently sober) got his phone disconnected for non-pay and his customers are now calling my home land-line - I just don't answer it & leave it for him to respond. I don't want his customers to get used to me taking messages cause I never know far away the next binge is - at which time he won't return any calls. I refuse to be his secretary.....period.

Hubby & I use our cell phones for almost everything anyway so not answering the house phone isn't really a big deal for us. Too bad we don't live in the same city, my handyman could use the referrals...lol

katfshh · Senior Member

LOL! I wish I had your handyman to give the referrals! My exAF had a great thing going here! Most of his jobs were quick and easy. Love the fact that he says he is working his Axx off there! I hope that really is the case, but he tends to be very dramatic, so who knows...? =)

Thanks for your reply.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Your post reminded me about something that used to really bother me about my soon-to-be-ex-AH. His cell phone number was the number he also used for his tax preparation business. His voicemail message was very obviously recorded when he was at a bar and most likely drunk. It was a very snarky outgoing message and you could hear a group of drunks laughing at his message in the background. Some of his clients would call our home phone (it was listed) and say that they thought that they might have called the wrong number when they called his cell because the message was so rude. On several occasions, I suggested that he might want to change his message. He would tell me to mind my own business and that if people didn't like it, that was their problem (great customer service attitude, right?).

We have now lived apart for over a year and I had to call him this week regarding an issue about our home. To my surprise, his voicemail message now says, "Due to complaints by people that my message was unprofessional, this is XXXXX. Please leave a message and I will call you back." LOL!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It's all good...you're growing and keep tabs of the why questions because the answers to those are important for future change. I'd also talke a look at the complaints that my alcoholic/addict wife had against me because for sure for sure some were valid and she wasn't the only one that made them. The most important question ever asked me in recovery was "What is your part in it"? Alky attitudes are really weird when they are not in recovery...part of the insanity of the disease.

I use to wonder what I'd be like today if there was such a thing as a recovery fairy who could wave a wand over my head and say "Okay...done...go out and play". Hmmmm I'd go find another alcoholic/addict to go play with I guess. ((((hugs)))) smile

katfshh · Senior Member

I got a few more messages tonight from him and started to type out a reply to defend myself. I stopped, deleted it and blocked him every way I could think of. Although, knowing him, he will find a way to contact me soon. His last email told me how happy he was and how great his life is now that he is away from me, and how he has a trip planned to go to St. Thomas as a member of his buddy's wedding party in three weeks. I find that hurtful!But, then thinking logically we didn't get back together until 2009, and by that time he had 6 dui's, no driver's license ever again, no home, a divorce, no property, and a relapse every 6 months-3 years since he was 21. He is 47, that crap that went on when I was not in the picture. So, why do I take the things he says personally? Why does it hurt me when he tells me that I am the one that is hurtful and mean? I did get mean! I got mean when he was drunk and useless! I got mean when he had messages from a woman he met in a bar. I got mean when he blew $$$ while I paid all the freaking bills. Of course I got mean. I love how me being mean because he disease was out of control is a way for him to justify his actions. He should know better, he has a head full of AA! He is humble and remorseful when he is truly sober. So, what is going on? He is miserable and I am hurt by what he is saying. ugh. I hate this.

I blocked him and I pray I did it every which way possible.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Since the calls are to your home number, it seems well within your rights to go ahead and tell the customers he is no longer available -- and to let the voicemail say that too. Maybe he "should" be doing it, but it's your phone and your life too. You deserve not to have the phone always ringing.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

When I try and work out my exabf behaviour I get crazy. Trying to work out this disease is what sent me crazy. I blamed him he blamed me it went on and on and on.

I have really been focusing on my recovery of late and had no contact y life has improved so much. I got peaceful sometimes I felt bored, lonely missed it all.

My ex has started contacing me again but I finally have had enough. I had to look at what I could do, I had to take responsibility for me.

I am trying to not answer the phone, I am going the gym, i am going away with recovery friends this weekend, I am working the steps.

Today I see I did not value me and put up with a lot of unacceptable behaviour. However i also see that i did not accept him for who he truley was and tried to change him. Its not about blame we both did wrong I just want to make sure I grow from this and that i chnage so I do not find myself back at square one again.

It is so lovely to get away from the spinning mind and angre.

hus tracy xx

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It will help to stay focused on you. Not on him, not on feeling bad about others affected by him. Focus on you. It's not your job to apologize for him. Even if they are neighbors, it's not necessarily a refelcton of you and it certainly isn't to say "he had some health problems and wont be available. I'm very sorry for the inconvenience." The end.

Obviously there's something wrong with him - seriously wrong with him and his behavior shows it. You are letting the words of an abusive, manipulative, alcoholic sink in and hurt you. Blocking him helps cuz contact with him will only elicit more hatefulness if you state anything other than "I love you and want you back. I would live to enable you forever!!!" If you do have contact. Try not arguing. Don't accept his statements and then you won't feel bad about them. Why give credence to delusional thinking. That is YOUR self esteem issue.

If I heard the following: "I haven't had time to do sXXXX...I've been working my aXX off. Sorry Cynthia XXXXXX isn't on the top of my priority list. Try not to be so hateful and hurtful all your life....Pretty sure God doesn't want you to be and you'll live longer. You're miserable, hateful, negative, and abusive.....did you tell her all that? Of course not! You can only see what others do....not a clue as to what YOU do....the entire reason I couldn't commit to you. Peace out!" ........ I know the right thing to do would be to just ignore. However, I am not a doormat and I would be hard pressed not to retort "If you have been working, it's because you needed to from binging and being so irresponsible over the last month. That is just a fact. This is not about me. It's not about me being miserable or abusive. It's about you dealing with your professional obligations. You can rationalize the end of the relationship all you want, but it wasn't me you couldn't commit to, it was sobriety and that is why I asked you to leave. I hope you continue to progress in your recovery. I don't see further communication progressing as you are not taking any responsibility for your actions and I am past caring when, if, and how you might grow capable of doing this." I would then consider that closure and stick to NEVER talking to him for a good long while - maybe not ever again. That's just me though.

Part of boundaries does involve walking away when someone is verbally abusive. It is also standing up for yourself, letting the person know they are deluded, then walking away. People will know you are not the one to play with. Empowerment (without being nasty) will go a ways to helping you feel less like a victim that just got trampled on. You took brave steps to end a horrible abusive situation. I would not let him continue to be abusive in words/actions....anything....not for a second. You are strong and can feel empowered by your choices. Not fall back into being terrorized by him and his abuse.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 10th of August 2012 11:17:25 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't need to do crap for him now. He can do like a regular grown up and put in a change of address form. He is the same as any other person that basically got evicted from their living situation. After a while, he should stop with the lame come backs. At this point I think you ended with a statement that reflected self-dignity and closure. Responding back now would be inviting argument.

As an aside - of course it's been tough for him and he made it that way all on his own. Pitying him will reinforce his self-centered sickness (and that is the nature of addiction). Why say "I'm sorry it's so hard for you?" As a detached person from the situation and an alcholic, I am glad it's hard for him. He needs that bottom in order to recover. People who pity him keep him sick. Self pity keeps him sick. This is like a person committing a crime and then whining to you from jail about how hard it is and how evil you are for not feeling sorry for them. Um...."duh...shouldn't have committed the crime." You are not "being negative" by refusing to fall into his pity party. On the contrary, you are giving him the dignity to suffer his own consequences and not placating him like a child.

Breathe deep - the crazy is slowly leaving your life. I know it's hard to move on and being alone for now is a big change. It's scary, but his addiction and all the craziness, manipulation, lies, and self pity belong solely to him now. Your serenity is there for the taking.

Lastly - The statment in which you rejected to be the target of his blame and abuse was really for you - Don't ever expect he will "get it." The damage of what he has done and how awful he acted towards you will only become apparent if he can be sober for a good long while and work the steps. So far, he hasn't done that and I wouldn't hold my breath waiting. Like Tom says, "Don't expect a sick insane alchoholic to act sane."

-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 10th of August 2012 04:28:00 PM

-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 10th of August 2012 04:31:49 PM

katfshh · Senior Member

Thank you everyone. He emailed me again this morning. After that I decided to write what you said Pinkchip. I like that it gives things closure, and I can make the statement that I won't own his side of the mess. I thought I blocked him, but somehow this still came through.

His email this am was this..

"Sorry. Didn't mean to be rude or nasty. I've just had it with being made to feel like a piece of xxxx. I wrote to Cynthia Xxxxxx ...I can only imagine what you said to bad mouth me based on her reply. Was that really necessary? Do you feel better? Please throw those things in a priority box and mail them for me. I'll pay the $6.

After that I went to the gym. I have been doing so well with exercising lately. I am really proud of myself for doing it! I feel so much better. I also am counting down the days until we go on our Cruise!! A week from Sunday and I am headed to the Mexican Rivera!!

katfshh · Senior Member

And the reply... I can't answer for my own sake. And the small things he wants me to mail him are stupid. I don't even know where they are. Just this whole conversation is dragging me down. I am doing so much better. Although, I can see the way that I have been in the past that allowed our sick selves to continue. I did rescue him more than a few times. So, for that I realize I need to look at my part big time. It would have never gotten to this messy ending if I wouldn't have done the rescuing over and over in the past. I guess now, in a way, it is expected that I show him that I care and that I am having a difficult time with our breakup. But, I am only having a difficult time trying to get myself in a better place. The break up is something I have peace with. And "apparently" it was all his idea. I'm not even going to acknowledge any of that.

Please send the small items I asked for. I left alot of other expensive things I didn't have to. I own my part of the bs, Kathy....I always have. Can't own your xxxx though. Glad you're all of a sudden so damn strong...It's been tough for me...it's saddened me deeply. I'm very grateful to you for all the positive but can't live the rest of my life in the negative. Sobriety I have no problem committing to. Also, please e-mail the Handyman Services entire folder to my email so I can communicate with the rest of my old clients. You asked me to leave? lol you're funny. Please cooperate Kathy...I'm not asking for much. Just the small items I inadvertently left and my client invoices so I have their contact information. Thanks!

JJ21 · Veteran Member

OMG sounds like my ex. When I have had to contact him I hear the same sxxx. All their anxiety because they can't cope and follow thru, plus putting the blame on me. Doesn't sound like he is in recovery. He doesn't have a handle on anything. Just keep moving forward.

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 11th of August 2012 10:58:30 PM

katfshh · Senior Member

Ok Phew! I feel good right now. I like the idea of that being the end of our communication. Nothing good comes of it at this stage and I really want to move on, enjoy my life and my kids. I am doing well! I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am taking care of the household on my own and I am OK. I can still go on vacation with my 13 year old. We even have some friends that will be on the same cruise with their kids. I am blessed and I feel blessed right now. I just have an overwhelming feeling that my HP is proud of me and going to help keep me strong and moving forward. Without my exAF here, the house feels easy, peaceful, calm, well. I'm sort of blown away at how well I feel today. Talking to him in the email last night and this morning really made me feel that sense of dread, and anxiety. Right now I feel good. Maybe it's the endorphins from working out today at the gym? I don't know, but I like it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When My AH finally told me he had commited adultery, that was that. I told him to make a day to get all his stuff.I am talking ALL. He had gotten out of jail, but went staight to this old womans house, a friend of his mommys. ick.

He never called or made arrangements. I had a bonfire. I really did. Gave his nice leather jacket to some one from CL. Sold what tools were left. Of course I knew he would tell everyone I would not allow him to get his stuff. And he did. who cares.

You are so right to let it go. The sooner the no contact, the sooner no one is scratching your wound. You can then move on to your own easy going life with good people. Myself if I found anything of his, I tossed it. If he is too dumb to go buy a toothbrush or go get a phone battery that is his problem.

good for you and yes exercise is the best!

Great Progress. hugs,debilyn

katfshh · Senior Member

Thanks Deb. I am not going to do anything about his stuff or his customer list. I have enough to do. I also get the sense this is more about him trying to get me to do for him, than it is about that stuff anyway. I feel like it's more of an attempt to control me a little longer.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

"I haven't had time to do sXXXX...I've been working my aXX off. Sorry Cynthia XXXXXX isn't on the top of my priority list. Try not to be so hateful and hurtful all your life....Pretty sure God doesn't want you to be and you'll live longer. You're miserable, hateful, negative, and abusive.....did you tell her all that? Of course not! You can only see what others do....not a clue as to what YOU do....the entire reason I couldn't commit to you. Peace out!"

He must have been looking in the mirror at himself when he said this. Ya think? Poor him. cry

Don't be so hard on yourself. Listen... we all have engaged and thought it would be different this time. Alanon members call it going to the hardware store for bread.

Maybe you could put up a few flyers in your building to alert people he is no longer there or taking calls. It's something anyway.

Keep taking care of yourself. Really... you're doing great!! :) Hugs TT

katfshh · Senior Member

You know his sponsor was really working with him on getting real and trying to figure out why he relapses and relapses. I think he has never really worked hard enough at his program. And before he relapses he gets very squirrelly and starts looking at those around him and trying to control them. The longest I have personally seen him go without a drink is eactly 364 days. His messages to me are all over the map, that is how he gets right before he drinks. Not sure why I am getting so much of the anger? I would bet those around him are getting it as well. I unfriended all of his family and friends on my facebook. For me I need to detach from everything I can that is associated with him. I really like his sisters, but they are his sisters, and to stay connected to them for some reasons makes me feel like I have a connection to him. For me as time goes by, I start to forget the misery and remember the good. I don't want to do that this time. It's really an illusion.

Before he left he kept telling me that I was going to really miss him when he is gone. But, I don't. Overall I don't. I do have moments here and there where I miss what I wanted our relationship to be, and the sober him. But, sober then binge, sober then binge isn't worth the stress, anxiety and chaos that it brings.

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