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Question 15 from step one in paths to recovery asks: "How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?" I'm wondering how others would answer this question. I know I have sought approval from others in the following ways: By being more like them. By agreeing with them or not speaking up with my own opinion. By trying to be what I think they will approve of. Censoring myself. Making them laugh by acting the clown. Seeking ESH now on this topic please gang. Many thanks, Tigger x
I sometimes think I sought approval by constantly asking for the opinion of others. Oh ... I just realised that may sound funny being that you put this post up asking us... but thats different.
What I mean is.... I worked the group of friends. I would ask one person what they thought what woudl they do... I woudl ask another friend... then another... find out what 'most' people woudl do. And probably agree with the one that sounded more like what I was looking for. I wanted to be 'normal'.
The others I would then kind of agree with them, or not talk to them about that issue again.
When I came here, I realised asking this group was different. The opinion of people working a program got me to seek approval from myself.
I would mould myself to the opinion of people around me.. sometimes that is just polite manners, sometimes it is so I can be 'like' them.
Oh well I might be a bad one to ask. LOL. Years ago I did those things. I agreed just to agree. I tried to fit in and get people to like me. I did things for friends, family, others just to try and get their approval. I sought approval a lot.
I've kind of gone the other way and am keenly aware I need to keep an eye on it. I'm at the point in my life where I took a lot of crap for a lot of years and so I really have no need to get approval anymore. I don't care if someone disagrees with me, I will not pretend to agree with something I don't, yeah I'm overly opinionated and I know I rub people wrong.
It's ok, it's my experience it is who I am. I'll soften as I get better at this and I'm learning to. But even still... I will never go back to people pleasing. This work I keep doing on me, myself and I - it's giving me the life I never knew I could have. It's not perfect, I just went through a lot of sadness over the loss of my relationship but I can bounce back because I know I did the right thing and I'm glad I took care of me.
So... I related from years ago. I'm on the opposite pendulum and will find my way back to the middle.
I put myself out always being on hand for other I went overboard with it not asking if they needed or wanted my help. I was a know it all...acting larger than and smarter than others...I use to try to "one up" other guys and would lie to get a bigger story out for myself if I thought someone else was gonna "one up" anyone else. I faked compassion and empathy because I didn't know anything about feeling with or for others. I bragged alot with glorious drama stories about my exploits and I always had an exploit to tell. I do have lots of interesting experiences but don't need them to self affirm or find approval. There are lots of other things I did...isolaters and fear based people (me) have a whole menu of behaviors to try to get their strokes from others.
As I'm reading your shares, I'm realising that with me, that it's probably been more about avoiding disapproval than seeking approval. Disapproval from the As in my lifetime have come with severe consequences, so avoiding it became a survival pattern. Seeking approval by sacrificing my real self had become a way of protecting that sells from annihilation. Being there for people to listen to their problems. Giving people what the need like support and rescuing. Saying yes when I want to say no. Doing something the person wants even if it's not supporting my own self care. People pleasing and supressing my genuine responses to life, as well as repressing my natural exuberance, have all been strategies for me. Of course this all lead to shame because it was a false self that was affirmed, meaning that who I really am was not acceptable. Thankfully that is changing in alanon. Thanks for your input guys. Tigger x
