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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I forgot.... kinda
Post Info TOPIC: I forgot.... kinda
Oksie


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I forgot.... kinda
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I still have times when my obsessiveness/thoughts obsession whatever you want to call it.. takes over my mind.

I have triggers that I would like to work on one day, but at least now I recognise them as triggers and can address them.

Yesterday....... my husband finished work early.  He was home at 230 in the afternoon.  Usually he doesn't tell me, but yesterday he did.  Usually I get home at 5 and nothing is done, and he is showered and playing a game and I have to ask when he got home and sometimes he then tells me he was home at 2 (and I say... and you chose to do nothing around here?).

Yesterday he told me he was home at 230, and he told me at 230.  I immediately went into high alert, I had been triggered.  What is he doing?  Is he going to use?  Its in the house.  Is he going to do somethign else he knows I don't like?  I asked what he was doing and he was playing a game.  (not doing any chores around the house).  I chose to let that go.  I asked him to pick me up from work as I had taken my push bike and didn't feel like riding home as I wasn't feeling very well.

In the past I would have gone mental.  I was triggered, and I could feel the anxiety, but nothing like what it used to be.

He came and got me and he was very 'relaxed'.  I said to him... you sound very relaxed, your voice is thick and quiet.  He just said.. yeah??.. (in a questioning sort of way) and shrugged his shoulders.

That was the end of the conversation.  I forgot about it after about 5 minutes.  In the past I would have checked his eyes, asked more leading questions, checked up, been on high alert all night.  Maybe it was because I wasn't feeling well I dunno.  I certainly didn't care after I took some pain relief, maybe that had soemthign to do with it?

My point, the night went on as per usual.  If he used or if he didn't use, I had no idea.  I didn't push the point.  I actually forgot all about it... kinda.

This morning however.... I remembered and as is usual for me, my thoughts and anxieties are worse in the mornings.  I did a naughty thing and checked up on his 'pot drawer'.  Things had been moved around.  Did he use???? I dunno???? Does it matter???? I dunno

I wanted to ask him when he came home from his first job this morning.  I looked at him and the question nearly came out of my mouth.  I decided not to ask.  I gave him a hug. 

What is my motive for wanting to know?  So I can tell him off for not being open and honest?  So I can let him know that I know that he knows that I know (hehehe)?  Is there a positive motive to it? 

He last used in our home a couple of months ago.  I knew because I could smell it.  I asked him and he said yes.  I asked why he didn't say anything.... and the same old arguments from last year came out.  Totally illogical and untrue points of view.  I heard it and I felt the argument swell in side me.  I said. don't lie to me babe, be open and honest and upfront with me.  He promised he would.  He promised me that every time.  Same old same old.  In the end I just asked him to clean up after himself and remove the stuf I could stillsmell.

So I know he won't tell me.  He will tell me if I ask.  So............ why do I want to ask?

I am learning to only ask the question if I want to know the answer.  Why do I want to know that answer?  What am I going to do with that information?

I will probably take his inventory.  I will monitor his use.  I will ask again that he be open and honest wiht me.... well well.. .look at that list of motivation.  Nothing there about me at all is there!!!

Living with an addict is not easy.  The addiction wins quite often.  I have to step down from my pride and not be the winner every time.  It is not a competition.  If I make it one... the addiction will win every time. 

I know in the coming days I will ask him if he has used lately.  He may lie, he may not.  But I will make sure my reaction is the same either way.  I will not say.. why didn't you tell me, becasue I know the answer to that already.  He is an addict no matter how often he uses or doesn't use.  I have to remember that.  Either way, the answer is information only.  I believe its ok for me to monitor his use, with detachment, in order to know when my boundaries are getting close.

It does not change my life at this stage.  Today, my life is the same as it was yesterday, and today I accept that my husband is an addict that may or may not have used recently.  It was like a reminder/wake up call.

Today I chose to love my husband either way

Today I chose to live my life whether he has used or not.  I will not give away my serenity to his addiction.

I am ok, I am safe. 



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callmemara


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Couple questions/thoughts, Oksie.

One thing that struck me when I read your post is that you sound like my mom! Seriously. I did smoke pot in high school and my mom would ask me if I "used" it would make me so uncomfortable and set me on edge and make me want to punch her in the face.

Second thing is that if you couldn't tell based on his behavior (other than he sounded relaxed) that must be nice.... when my hubby drinks it changes his entire countenance and he is not pleasant to be around.

And- good for you for noticing your triggers and not reacting! That is an accomplishment. Good on you!

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Oksie


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HI
thanks for responding.
I am not sure what your questions are.
As for him sounding relaxed.. yes it may sound nice comparitively... it has implications itself.

Either way... addiction is addiction isn't it... alcohol, pot, speed, sleeping pills, opiates.
I too used pot at school. I wasn't addicted to it in my adulthood.

Some alcoholics go to sleep too when drunk. Doesn't mean it is nice for the family around the person. I wouldn't really call living with a pot addict 'nice'. When the use is no longer recreation and/or 'relaxing'.... the effects of intoxicaton change. When the addict comes to live with us and my husband is no longer around.... it is not nice at all. The addict is not a nice relaxed person. The substance makes no difference.

An occassional use, an occassional stoned person... sure.. not a major drama. When he is using constantly, our life changes. It is not pleasant.

When he is using constantly, he does not just 'sound relaxed'. That is one point of evidence of being actually stoned, it is not the end of the issue. Having him sound that way reminds me that there is still that risk of relapse to complete daily use and return of arguments, lack of communication, seeking behaviour, amotivation, lack of interest in me or our life again. It is different.

Im sorry I sounded like your mum. But using drugs is using drugs. Using alcohol is called drinking... but its using a drug in reality when the person is addicted. The using of drugs is not the issue, having an addict use drugs of any sort is an issue.

I am not really too sure if I feel good or bad or 'other' from your reply, perhaps I have mis interpreted parts of it. I will take on board the last line about my not reacting to triggers and thank you for your compliment. I do feel its an accomplishment.



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callmemara


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When I started the post I thought I was going to ask a question but then didn't. Forgot to change the intro. Thanks for expanding on your experience.

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AStrongerMe


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I think it's great that you are aware of your triggers and the things you get caught up in. I know for me that is often the key place I have to get to before I can make changes. Progress, one step at a time, chip away at it as you go. I think that the level of awareness is great truly. I feel for you, be it alcohol or drugs, the chaos it creates is so hard to deal with sometimes.

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Debilyn


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I liked how you asked yourself questions.

You know me already, for me it is none of my business what he does. I keep my side of the street clean. I do not want to be questioned.

We all want to be loved in spite of ourselves and accepted as is. No one has the right to question another human being unless it is a child who needs guidance in my book.

I turn it around like you did. good work. Do you want to be his mum or his lover?

I believe after knowing you, that when he is loaded, it feels like you are left out, that he is "somewhere else." You want the sober husband you love. But he is an addict.

Someday hopefully you will not even question, as it just does not matter. you just love him. hugs, debilyn



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Jerry F


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Yay!! Oksie  Yay!!...damned good practice and grateful you brought it here.  Tho you were not at my home group this evening your share was...decisions decisions...what do I do with this.  Al-Anon has and uses the slogan Think!! and you shared how to do it.   Later on?  We live in the day, hour, minute...we don't have later on until they become nows.   Your post is a keeper!!  Thanks for sharing it.  ((((hugs)))) smile



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peppermintnginger


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Oksie, Thanks so much for your post. I can so relate. My husband is both an alcoholic and a pot smoker. He's quite aware of his drinking problem and tries not to drink. (He's just started in again on recovery--6 days) But he doesn't yet realize that smoking pot is just another parallel adiction. Sigh.

I also struggle with how to deal with it. I want to support him without supporting his addictions. I get mad when he drinks or smokes pot. I find myself getting suspicious and want to ask him for all the gorey details. I also ask myself why I want to know. Is it just because I want to rub his nose in it? Is there any benefit of asking or of knowing? If he says he hasn't been, will I believe him? Yet...I don't know, maybe it's just an underhanded way of letting him know that I'm disappointed with him. (That's not very supportive, now, is it?)

I've never been around addicts much...not on such a personal level. And this is new territory for me. I get self-righteous, and sad and angry...well, I guess that's why many of us come here.

Yet, I do really love my husband and we have a wonderful marriage worth fighting for. So I seek out ways to support him without supporting the addiction. I admit I'm out of my depth on that one. That's why I'm here. I'm a newbie to this Al-Anon thing. It is really refreshing to hear you say that you love your husband and that is your conscious choice. And that you can be ok and safe with that choice. Thanks for sharing. It's helped me and given me things to think about.

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surfgirl123


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Great post. I too struggle with this one. Wanting to know at times drives me crazy but I'm working on it. You are right, it doesn't really matter, we just have to keep reminding ourselves that. My AH is one that will never admit he's been using, but since I know what it looks like I often ask myself why I need him to confirm what I know to be true in my heart. I think part of it is learning to trust ourselves, you know what you know, wanting that outside confirmation isn't needed, but boy is it hard work to really It is a work in progress. Keep working it. Hugs and prayers. sg

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surfgirl123
Oksie


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Posts: 278
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One other thing that has helped me immensely is a few things my psychologist said to me quite some time ago.
Sometimes I 'know' what is going on... but do I really???
Its all about trust isn't it... trusting ourselves and our HP to do the right thing.

Sometimes I think I know.... and it turns out I am wrong.... In the past Ihave always reacted to what I think I know is correct. He 'looked' stoned therefore he was stoned and I must react to that.

At times, I have been wrong. He hasnt' been stoned. Other times I was right and he lied and that made me feel worse and the world was coming to an end etc etc etc...... cue suicidal thoughts and the works.

HOw did I know he wasn't stoned or had lied.... I asked... and I checked up.... and he hadn't used, or he had lied.

Ironically, previously, I just figured that meant he had hidden it better if his pot drawer looked unused.

Now.... I choose not to check up (most of the time), I choose to not assume myself correct. Ihave often been proven wrong and he hasn't used at all, so I choose to accept that as the possible answer and not go out of my way every day to make sure I am right or wrong.

What changed?............ me.................. thats what changed. The other thing that changed was my level of serenity, my decisions for myself to keep myself safe.

I still find it hard but I know I have to keep trying......

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