Newly remarried and in dire need of advice. - Al-Anon Family Group

Karma73 · Member

Newly remarried and in dire need of advice.

Karma73 · Member

ilovedogs, Thank you for replying. What does AH stand for? I bet you feel very deceived. I feel that way about some things that I didn't know about, not to the extent that you do, since I knew there was a problem beforehand, but I still feel a sense of being misguided. I just made excuses for him and still do to a certain degree. I'm trying to change my way of viewing the situation by recognizing why he's an alcoholic but trying to let go of making excuses because I don't think that's going to help. He told me before we got married to "call him out" on his drinking if it ever got out of hand like it did in his previous relationship. I did and I told him we needed to discuss a promise I made to him, I did it as tactfully as I could. He became very defensive, started blaming me for slacking in household duties, and started telling me about the things I need to work on. He said, "no one is perfect", "you knew I had a problem" and "I won't quit drinking". I calming told him that I realize that I'm not perfect and there are problems that I need to work on, but right now, this is about a promise I made to him and I'm keeping that promise by doing what he asked me to do. I continued to tell him that it's not about me right now and I never asked him to quit completely, but I'm asking him to cut back because it's ruining his health, his happiness, as well as mine. I guess we ignored the signs because we love them and we were in denial. That's a very long time to be together and I hope your husband can stop again, or you can heal yourself through therapy. I'm going to do the same thing for my "own peace of mind" too. Thank you so much for sharing your story. God bless you! --K.

-- Edited by Karma73 on Wednesday 8th of August 2012 10:27:06 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Karma and welcome to the board...I married my alcoholic/addict while thinking of ways to separate from her. Later I learned that I have all kinds of addictions with compulsions to use them rather than do the "better" thing for me. I married her anyway and then entered the insanity atmosphere you and many others are going thru now. Alcoholism is a disease...a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body; we go insane and gain weight...some of us commit suicide...which is one of the two doors I faced before changing...The other door was Al-Anon because my HP (higher power) didn't want me dead just then. We all make mistakes and some of us/me make mistakes because we think we might be wrong and have hope that we are without good reason and experience.

"Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. If not arrested by total abstinence the alcoholic has but three choices...sobriety, insanity or death. We go thru the very same events without the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality therefore we get as sick or worse than the alcoholic".... thats a paraphrase from the definition on alcoholism that we use to read at the start of every meeting when I found the rooms of Al-Anon. It was extreemly necessary for me to come to understand because I was certifiably insane. I was dealing with an incureable disease which I didn't cause and couldn't control. The solution turned out to be taking my focus completely off of my alcoholic/addict and putting it directly on myself...I need to change me...no one else. Yes I wanted a good, successful marriage and then how does one have that doing it alone and while the other person is killing themselves? I had to learn how to make sense of it all and go about rescuing my own life which was going down the drain. I took the solution of face to face AFG meetings. The alcoholic/addict eventually found recovery...long enough after I did that I know had I not found it when I did I wouldn't have survived the later 5 years.

Find the hotline number to Al-Anon in your area and call for the times and places we meet and then come as quickly as you can. Don't try to figure him out..."If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...chances are she's a du.....errrrr alcoholic". Thats how I learned it...you can have it for free. (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 8th of August 2012 01:24:26 PM

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Karma, we've all been there, you aren't alone. I too realized shortly after getting married that things weren't right. I wish I had left at two years instead of now going on ten. But we all learn and do things in the order we need to. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why he behaves like he does. I have been the queen of excuses for my AH, "it's family pressure making him angry", "it's his horrible childhood", "it's stress at school (work, grocery store, social gathering - fill in anything and it will fit)". I've come to find my husband drinks for every reason and no reason, he is an alcoholic. If you have not found face to face Alanon meetings in your area I urge you to. It's a beginning and will help you start to come to grips with what is going on. It took me ten years to truly believe my husband was an alcoholic/addict. If he won't go to a therapist go by yourself. Our prayers and support are with you, take some time to read thru these boards, you will find stories similar to yours; this message board has helped me immensely and the people here are the most kind people you will ever meet. Prayers and hugs. sg

Karma73 · Member

I'm so thankful for all of the kind words and support you've given me...you all are a godsend. I wish you all strength, guidance and support today and always.

-- Edited by Karma73 on Wednesday 8th of August 2012 02:37:50 PM

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

We have all been there, done that and I agree with surf girl that Al Anon is a great place to start. My AH was sober when we married so I didn't realize that his behaviors were all dry drunk behaviors. He quit drinking on his own accord but then started drinking after 15 years of marriage and now I've got a husband who drinks, lies about it, lies about stuff he doesn't need to lie about, and has just become untrustworthy since he started drinking again. I have no idea if my marriage will survive either. We've got 17 years under our belts and a 13 year old son and I saw red flags EVERYWHERE with him before I got pregnant. I have no idea why I didn't heed the signs.

Trust your instincts. Get help with therapy, with our without him. Many folks will tell you that going to marriage counseling with someone who's active in their addictive behaviors is probably going to be a dead end. I am planning on going to therapy with my AH just for my own peace of mind. I want to be able to say that I tried everything and I have no major expectations, I actually believe it might get worse for me for a while because my AH is a master manipulator and it might come out that I'm the bad guy in certain situations. Anyway, keep coming back here and posting. Find a meeting and you'll get lots of support in those ways!

Karma73 · Member

Surfgirl, Thank you so much for replying. I guess I'm still making excuses for my husband and it's not helping at all because he's also making excuses for his addiction. I keep thinking that he can cut back but I'm not sure if he can or will. While we were dating, I would spend the night, or a couple of nights with him and he wouldn't drink at all during the time I was with him. I even lived with him for a couple of months before we got married but he didn't drink as much as he does now, so I thought he was mainly a social drinker and drank when he was depressed. I knew he had a problem with alcohol before we started dating because he got out of a long term relationship because he cheated on his ex (not with me), but he was so drunk, he couldn't remember any of the details. I knew the whole story but I still made excuses for him and we started dating 6 months after the relationship ended. I thought if I kept him happy, he wouldn't drink and I couldn't be more wrong. No, I haven't been to any support groups, but I do believe I need to attend one with or without him. I really greatly appreciate your perspective. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it really does help and I'll take your advice to seek therapy myself. God bless you!--K.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi karma and welcome. Yes lots of us have been where you are and it is painful. Your husband is behaving very typically - alcoholics are driven by an inability to cope with any or all life stresses and the alcohol is their out. There is always an excuse - the job, the family, it's raining, it's not raining, blah blah, the fact is they drink because they drink. Alanon has taught me a lot about detaching and doing what I can to control my own actions and reactions as opposed to my A's (since it doesn't work anyway). It's a hard road but you are not alone. Wishing you support, nyc

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

AH = Alcoholic Husband

You can visit the top "skicky note" posts at the top of this board for more information regarding abbreviations on this board, as well as other important information about alcoholism.

Karma73 · Member

nyc, Thanks for the welcome. How do you get through the anger and resentment, or do you? I don't want to be this way. How long have you been in Alanon? Did you experience the anger and resentment that I'm feeling? Yes, you're so right about controlling your own actions and reactions. I think I'm letting his unhappiness or need to drink, dictate how I feel about myself and I need to learn how to not do that. Is it typical for me to continue to make excuses for my AH? Thanks for the well wishes. You all have helped me so much to know that others are going through the same or similar struggles. Thanks so much for your advice.

Karma73 · Member

Green Eyes, Thanks so much for the tip. I'll definitely use them.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Karma,
I started Alanon a year ago when my AH was having a mental and physical breakdown from his alcoholism. I wish I could attend meetings more often but my schedule and the fact that I have a toddler makes it hard. I do read a lot of the literature, though, which helps. I struggle with resentment and anger a lot. My AHs drinking has ruined a lot including my relationship with my family. The fallout is huge - he lost his job, and we separated. While my AH is seeking recovery and is almost 1 year sober, I wish it didnt get to the point it did for him to get there. I guess thats where detachment comes in. I honestly wish I was better at it but at least I'm trying - it really is a "let go and let G-d" type thinking that carries me through the tough times.

Grace7 · Senior Member

Welcome Karma. As you have seen you are far from alone. Your story takes me back to my early years, from believing I could be the "answer" to this mans "false need" as I saw it for other things which are not healthy. Then letting the film over my eyes fall off, over time to see clearly and help Myself. You asked a question re anger and resentments. I will share with you what has helped me and still does to this day. This is from an An-Anon book mark, you should find these at your local face to face meeting. I read mine daily...oh how it helps me get rid of my "stinkin thinking" (a side effect of living with alcoholism). Here it is....

Just For Today.....

Just For Today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at one. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just For Today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Just For Today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just For Today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just For Today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do someboday a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just For Today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just For Today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.

Just For Today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometimes, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just For Today, I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Prayer For Today

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace. Where there is hatred let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console, to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

May this bring you hope, comfort and stength in your journey today.

Karma73 · Member

Grace, I can't tell you how much that means to me. I broke down and cried, I guess I've needed to do that for a very long time. My anger and resentment has been fueling me far too long. I'm not a callous person, yet I'm treading down that road. Thank you so much- I'll be sure to read them daily. Sending my hugs and prayers to you. --K.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Bless your heart.
I haven't been there. I can't imagine living with a bed-wetter.
Keep coming and posting. You'll get a lot of support from people with a whole lot more patience than I have.
Take care of you.
Hugs,
Temple

Karma73 · Member

Jerry, I'm so taken aback at all of the wisdom and support here. You see, I had just about reached my breaking point and have been entertaining the idea of leaving my husband until I happened upon this forum. I don't want another failed marriage under my belt. I got married far too young the first time, I was 20 years old and we spent 10 years together. After we divorced, I spent most of my time trying to reevaluate who I was. You're so correct- I need to work on myself. I have copied the same behavior of my husband. I feel so helpless because there's nothing I can do to help him, end feeling sorry for myself and my situation and so does he. I guess he and I aren't much different, he feeds his problems by drinking and I feed mine by shoving a twinkie in my mouth. That was a real eye-opener, Jerry. Thank you for the hugs and support- back at ya.

"Don't try to figure him out..."If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...chances are she's a du.....errrrr alcoholic". Thats how I learned it...you can have it for free".

lol, love it.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholics don't need a reason to drink , first Fri of the week works hehe. Please find meetings for yourself you need support from people who have been where your at and will share thier recovery with you . Your not the reason he drinks ,nothing you say or do , you simply are not powerful enough to make anyone drink or STOP . You are the only thing you have any control over so get the focus back on yourself , get your life back on track . Before making any life altering decissions please try our program for at least 6 months then you will be thinking more clearly and be able to make informed decissions instead of making a decission based on emotions alone . Its time to stop thinking about what to do with him and take care of YOU . Louise

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

The ex A did plenty of stuff drunk that was tremendously objectionable. He saw none of it as a problem. In fact he felt entitled to the acting out.

I tried to set limits without effect because I wasn't really in a place to say and mean no. Eventually I did set some boundaries.

I was someone who was overly committed to a relationship day one. The ex A did everything he could to win my trust and faith early in the relationship in other words he couldn't do enough for me. I was not as self reliant as I am now. I fell hook line and sinker for it. Lately I have been thinking how he went from doing everything to not being willing to do anything in a short time period. He was a great passive aggressive person. If he didn't want to do something he would turn up hours late. I was so upset that I had no idea how to be reflective. I think that is what al anon gives you the space for. Detachment is not about ignoring the behavior, detachment is about giving yourself the space to reflect on what you want and need rather than how you can react to the calamities that every alcoholic piles up.

I am so glad you are here. If you have a chance get the book Getting them Sober its a life saver.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh and speaking of God...repectfully of course...One thing I learned long ago was that when I was born I didn't get a list of intructions from God with people I was to fix and enable...God wasn't too pleased with what I did, how I did it and how it came out for me...so there were two of us that didn't like the outcome!!

Now when I look at the great commandment..."Love God with your whole heart, mind, soul and with all you have/are and your neighbor (alcoholic/addict was one of these) as yourself" I come to understand who's first and who's second and who's third...Get myself into recovery and point the way to my alcoholic/addict herself and let her go. I'm loving God when I let it all go over to God...otherwise I'm just blowin smoke.

((((hugs)))) smile

Oksie · Senior Member

HI
My husband relapsed into drug use a few days before our wedding.
I told him there and then if he was stoned on our wedding day I would walk away.
He was straight for that day. I think that was the only day for quite some time.
15 months after our wedding, I saw him straight for a full week.
I found these boards about 9 months after my wedding. I didn't think I was going tomake the one year anniversary.
Here I am now....... planning my second wedding anniversary.
He has been stoned about 6 times this year that I know of. He knows that if he goes back to it, he won't have a wife.

That made no difference last year. I didn't cause him to stop/slowdown on using drugs, I don't have that power. I didn't cause him to relapse either. Its all him and his decisions. Something inside him wanted to slow down the use, and that is the only way he can do it.

I put up my boundaries. Drew my line in the sand. When he was stoned, I had nothing to do with him. When he was going to get stoned, I removed myself from his company and the company he was with. I didn't care who it was. I made my peace with it.

Every day I wonder if that will be the day he will relapse. But every day is a new day and I am thankful for it. He lies about the drug use when he does it. He hides it. I sometimes know because I can smell it. Either way, I have my boundary and it will be a difficult day, but if he fully relapses again.... I won't be married to him.

Its like every day is a new adventure.. what will happen today? One day at a time. For today, I am happy with how the drug use is in my life even if he is using more than I know it. I can live with his current attitude.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh I am not saying it is easy. Its a little struggle inside my head on some days, particularly if I am tired or hormonal or whatever... but ... who is perfect hey.

This is a great place for an open minded willing person to be.

Karma73 · Member

Thank you all so much! I start Alanon next week. Your words have given me hope and the strength I need to propel me to the next step. I hope you all have a blessed day.

Karma73 · Member

Temple, Thanks for the hug. Back at ya ((((Temple))) Yes, the couch and I have become good friends, unfortunately. lol, I'm not sure I have as much patience as you think I do, but thanks. I feel like a jerk because of some of the thoughts I have and sometimes. Just when I was almost ready to throw in the towel, I found you all and I'm so thankful that I have people who understand. I hate that you all are going through similar experiences, but I won't lie, it's a relief to know that we can all help each other to heal and to find the strength that we need to carry on.

Karma73 · Member

Abbyal, That's so true. I found an Alanon group here. I missed this week so I'll have to go next week and I'll let you guys know how it goes. Baby steps right now, but I know I'll get there and this forum is the fire under my butt. I know I keep saying it, but I'm so thankful that I found you guys! xoxo

Karma73 · Member

Oksie, You've given me hope that I can get through this. I had pretty much given up until I happened upon you all. I was fed up and wanted to change things so I decided to use Google for something a little more useful than what actor played in what movie. What do you know, there's actually some useful information on the world wide web. lol

I'm starting to set boundaries when he drinks. It can be hard, but I have to stick to my guns. I've been guitly of becoming an enabler. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it gives me the desire to see where life will lead me when I change my actions and the way I perceive things.

((((Oksie))))

Karma73 · Member

lol @ Jerry, Wouldn't that be convenient if we did have a set of instructions? Life is never easy, is it? Yes, I'm on that track. I'm going to start worrying about me and fixing me. Thank you! ((((Jerry))))

fallingdown · Member

Karma, I got married less than a year ago. I'm not quite regretting the marriage, but I am seeing more and more how much of a problem the drinking is. I know what you mean, about if you don't know if he's drinking more because he's stressed about being married or other things. I keep telling myself if he didn't want to marry me, he wouldn't have, but then I realize I now have to compete with the alcohol for my own husband's adoration. I also know how it feels to find things out after the fact because of the trying to "win" you over, only mine uses the term "reel you in." (Yes, he has actually said that to me, usually after a few drinks...)

I've only been a member here since last night but I've already learned that what he has is a disease. The man who loves me is still in there and I'm going to keep fighting for him. I think coming to this board was the best thing I've done rather than wallowing in my own self pity and hopelessness...

Karma73 · Member

Hey fallingdown,

Welcome! I'm so glad you're here, this place is a Godsend. I was very close to throwing in the towel when I happened to stumble across this place. I hope you can find some answers and support that you need. I have found answers, good advice and lots of support in the short time that I've been a member. I had planned to attend a face to face Alanon meeting this week but a family member was rushed to ICU and we nearly lost him, so I've been more focused on my loved one. Thank God, he pulled through! Try to attend a face to face Alanon meeting, if they offer that service where you live. We can keep each other posted on what we're learning and what we need more help with. I'm anxious to do that, and hopefully, next week, I'll be able to. Hugs to you!

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