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I was re-reading Inc12's last post on Overwhelming week and then thinking about my old program teachers and their new "choices lessons". I remember as "What'll I do when..." meeting one night where a gal shared her newest response to her alcoholic's old demand to "Get me a drink". She said she replied, "Sure thing honey" and went into the kitchen to get it for him and when she came back to where he sat she gave him his glass of ice water. What she did was fulfill the entire request and was nice enough to put ice in it and then she detached and went on with what she was doing before he asked. I remember asking myself "Why hadn't I ever thought of that"? and it didn't matter because now I had a different choice to an old behavior which used to make me upset and angry at myself.
Mahalo Inc12...the lesson and memory is great. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 7th of August 2012 06:01:45 PM
What a wonderful anecdote. I had so little detachment when I lived with the ex A. Most of the time I spent absolutely obsessed with what he did, when he did it and how it affected me. I could barely sometimes breathe through the night I was so sure he was going to kill someone driving recklessly.
These days I do respond with detachment when an alcoholic or addicts goes back out. I know now in my heart of heart's it is absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me. In the past I thought it represented my entire life splitting apart.
I remember my ABF asking me that question 'get me a drink', many times, before I knew what he meant...and I remember one special day, we went for sports, in recovery, and he comes to me again, somehow in despair 'get me a drink'.. and me too, innocent and naive as I was 'sure love', and I spontanously went to the reception and asked for 2 cokes after sports...natural reaction to me, healthy thinking. He looked a bit disappointed but didn't dare to insist i guess, and drank quietly his coke. I usually blame myself for my naive thinking, but that day i thaught it was a really true gift.
sometimes it's nice 'not getting the things' that are going on around us.... lol
I remember many situations where my Active A was going on his own tangent 'just because ______'. This is probably the ONLY time that a hearing issue is welcome. I just stood there, with a small smirk or smile on my face as I pretended to move my hair but in actuality - I was turning my hearing aids off so I didn't have to hear his insults and complaints.
I think this was the first time that I ever heard (or read the lips of) someone actually say 'DON'T LOOK at me with THAT TONE of FACE!' (he didn't like it when I cracked up laughing.)
Worked for me!
As far as 'Get me a drink!' - I tried that...gave him ginger ale - he threw it at me when I handed it to him - so my next comment was 'do you want the broom as a side dish?' and walked away.
We can't always beat them, but sometimes joining them can be such a stress buster!
So glad those days are in my past.
~!~
__________________
...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
