The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You are right, you are most certainly not the one to help him because no human power can relieve alcoholism. He needs to rely on Higher power, sounds like he has yet to realize that. It looks like he's looking for someone to stick by him. I have to say, cheating was a deal-breaker for me. I tolerated a lot of emotional abuse, but I was NOT willing to tolerate that because it put me at risk, I was not willing to harm myself with all that, I guess.
That said, I do know married couples who have worked through infidelity and their relationship did become a source of Good for all, Higher power did use them, I have no doubt about that. All I can say about that is, miracles do happen.
And the first miracle I experienced was accepting that I was powerless. You already seem to understand that concept, yea for you! You don't need to know what to do today about the relationship, however, the suggestion I have for you, is to look up local al-anon meetings in your area and commit to attending them on a regular basis. This helped me to clear the fog surrounding the insanity of living in the disease. You never have to do this alone again, I'm so glad you found us (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 7th of August 2012 11:29:11 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I just came across this board while doing some research. I recently came out of a 2 year relationship with someone I thought had a drinking problem but I continued to make excuses. Since mid-June, I have discovered he was never who I thought he was. It started with a girl who sent me a text message explaining that she was his fiance' and they had bought a house together. He told me that he was only trying to help an ex-girlfriend, and that was the only way she would let him help. He assured me there had never been another girl.
Next, just a few day ago, I found out that there had been a paternity issue while we dated, a few girls from the online world he had met, and a girl he had been dating since February. In late January, I had a miscarriage, so while I was dealing with the miscarriage, he was finding someone else.
Since I discovered all these women and filled them all in on what was going on, he has decided to admit he had a drinking problem and get his life together. He has asked me to help him thru this journey with AA. I'm not sure if I should be the one or if that could be detrimental to his recovery, especially after all that has happened.
I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage, that must have been really difficult for you. If I found out a guy I was with was out carousing while I was home dealing with the loss of a child, I too would be out of that relationship.
Questions for you: How many other girls do you think he has asked to help him through his recovery? How do you know? Is he in recovery because he truly wants to get better or because he got caught? How do you know? Is this just a lie to try and reel you back in? How do you know? I could keep going but I'm sure you are getting my jist.
He alone must take the steps to recover, there is nothing you can "do", it's up to him.
I wish you the best in making some difficult choices
Another question I would have is whether the lying is merely a side effect of the drinking or whether the two are different expressions of a basic dysfunction. In other words, if the drinking stops, will the lying stop?
I waited so long for my alcoholic to become the man I wanted him to be. I wanted him to be that man much more than he wanted to be that man.
The good news is that if he is determined to recovery, he will do it no matter what. And if he's not, no one can help him or make him.
In Al-Anon there's a saying, "He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going to do?" I hope you'll find a good meeting, read all you can here, and work on your own recovery. The rewards are wonderful. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Thanks everyone for the responses.. They are much appreciated.
I do know that he has talked to at least one other of the girls about "helping" him. I have asked repeatedly why he did what he did to me, and he says he has no answers but think this will become apparent during his treatment... Obviously, I'm not a believer.
What I'm struggling with is is Al-Anon for me? He and I were never married or never lived together, so do I have a "right" to sit in these meetings with people who struggle daily with loved ones that have the disease. Also, I don't think he and I will ever be together again. I had gone thru a lot in my life before I met him, and I told him many of my reservations before we started dating. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about. I don't give my trust away easily, and he was the first guy I had dated in nearly 5 years.
Al-Anon is for anyone who is affected by someone else's drinking. That applies where the alcoholic is a family member, a short-term partner, a long-term partner, someone you work with, or really anyone else. We all have so much in common (including usually wondering whether we qualify for Al-Anon!). Read through the threads on these boards and you'll see that we share the same stories. Keep on taking good care of yourself!
Aloha Deelexky and welcome to the board by a male member who just gets soooo pissed off at other males who lack the stuff to be open and honest with others. Of course also being alcoholic magnifies the problem of dishonesty. It's not like he didn't know before he got caught. His conscience was talking to him all the time and he was "risking it"...."risking" is an alcoholic characteristic...We are risk takers to the extreem so the boy knew and was practicing old behaviors with a new lady; you. The "I've got a problem with alcohol and will seek recovery" is a manipulation. He might have been practicing that one for a while also because it says I've known and I've known that I've known lets see how long and what I'll have to do to keep the guild away from me.
The person who can help a willing alcoholic is another recovering willing alcoholic and often times they are called Sponsors...you are and cannot be his sponsor. If he tries to do with a sponsor what he has already done to you and with others he will find himself alone, again, with the one person who he should never be alone with...himself and life will get much worse. His choice. Just go ahead with your choices and I hope you also try what worked for me...The Al-Anon Family Groups. Mattie did a great intro on what Al-Anon is and why it exist. Attendance isn't a right...it is the ability to accept the open invitation to come join us, learn what we've learned and practice what we do. You get your life back in better condition than what it was before entering the rooms.
So come look for answers with us. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I do think its pretty common to minimize our background. I know that is how I coped with denial. After all I had to cope with whatever defences I could come up with. Al anon isn't solely for the primary person in an alcoholic's life. Personally I have been affected by my neighbors alcoholism probably as much if not more than living with an alcoholic. Alcoholic tend to cause chaos whereever they go.
I think someone who is a chronic liar doesnt just get up and change. In some ways lying and cheating isn't just part of the alcoholic spectrum. I do think alcoholics tend to create and need a broad based support group some of whom could be called enablers. I also know from personal experience they seem to work at getting a lot of contention and questioning going. In some circles that is called intriguing. All that stuff you cant put your finger on. That is pretty heart wrenching stuff.
Anyone here has been there and back with dealing with an alcoholic. No one here is going to rate your experience with an alcoholic. Al anon can help with numerous tools, suggestions and a structure that isn't just about the alcoholic. They are about learning to live when your whole life has been thrown in chaos. That's a tall undertaking. You deserve support, understanding and care and you can get it in al anon.
Personally I would recommend the book Getting them Sober. That is nothing to do with supporting an alcoholic but lots to do with coming to terms with what you are dealing with and what you have dealt with in the past.
That's really hard. You have every right to not like the way you have been treated. I've been there. A quote from the " courage to change" book is so appropriate for me in dealing with my exAH. It goes " There is a price to high to pay for peace, and that is ones self respect".
Thank you all for the support. For the last few days, I've felt as if I am going crazy, and some times it feels like I should just give up on life. Having someone understand without saying, "You can do better." or "Just Cut the ties." does make me feel better. I made an appointment with a therapist and plan to attend an al-anon meeting close to my office later this week. In the meantime, I think I'll pick up the Getting Them Sober book. He called again tonight, and we fought again. I feel like I wasn't good enough and not worth any attention. I'll stop whining now and get to purchasing that book.
