My outbursts are my anger coming out sideways, and like you, they can take me by surprise. It becomes another opportunity to ask myself (and then my sponsor) "what's going on here, what step am I on??" You already know.  you have unresolved resentment.

My sponsor taught me to do that step 4 inventory every time a resentment pops up. EVERY time. When I do that, I get clear. I get free of my resentments, and that's the only way peace can come in. I don't think we can truly see "the exact nature of our wrongs" for ourselves because we are just too close to the situation to see it clearly, at least, that's the way it is for me. So I hope you have a sponsor you can talk to about this so you can finally be happy, joyous and free, you deserve that.

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 7th of August 2012 12:33:03 PM

I am angry and disappointed with myself today. I have endeavoured to maintain a friendly relationship with my exA, but last night a whole load of resentment and anger came out. He was drinking of course, why should I expect differently and normally I am good at maintaining distance in this situation by avoiding it and him. It was a wider social gathering so a little tricky but I managed to " make my excuses and leave". So far ok, but regrettably he caught up with me later, I can't say he was nasty or confrontational but wanted to know where I had been and why, then the suggestion that I had been with another man. I completely overreacted, I can make all the excuses about being tired etc, but the venom that came from me was dreadful, hurtful, spiteful and vicious. I had not realised so much " poison" was still inside me! I really said a lot of stuff, I thought I had let so much of it go but obviously not - it was still buried under layers of my own denial and co- dependency. I don't have the energy for being with another man, suppose in honesty I am avoiding the possibility due to my own issues around self-esteem and trust after all the years of living with Alcoholism. Of course now he never wants to speak to me again and the usual "threats" of self - harming etc were trotted out. At the time I could not bring myself to apologise for the tirade but this morning have told him I regret what I said and that I apologise, of course that is not acceptable. It of course is all entirely my fault, well I should be well used to that by now,but yes I am trying to cope with feelings of guilt today because I forgot my Al-Anon toolbox. So be it, I needed to share because last night I had a relapse back to my Pre Al-Anon ways, today I am enduring the fall out from my feelings of regret. I have asked for Gods forgiveness and will try and put this behind me. I must constantly repeat "I am powerless over alcohol, people, places and things" .

For me the pain and hurt with my ex was too long, too deep to be friends. It has been over 5 years and I can be cordial with him. I still harbor some resentment for him but I no longer act on it. But only because I have been healing myself, finding my own value and yes, not beating myself up. Once I got there, cordial was ok. Occasionally we even joke again but I have to maintain distance - he's very manipulative and I have to protect myself from that.

I am familiar with being put on the defensive.  Its a tough one.  I am also familiar with the issue of when and how I would encounter the now ex A.  I put a lot of distance between us.  I stopped talking to his entire family (some of whom had been supportive to me).  I put a lot of distance between people we knew.  That really helped.

I can't say that decision is easy.  I was addicted to talking about him, knowing where he was and obsessing.  In the end i had to let go.  Indeed I had a lot of anger, sadness and feelings towards the ex A. I don't know about you but the ex A put me through the meet grinder with his behavior. I am no saint and I certainly had to work through those feelings.  I let him know many a time I was angry, upset and devastated.  I would have to say that my feelings were always water off his back. He didn't really take my issues, feelings or life into account as long as he was using.

Processing those feelings is a pretty hard one.  I think it takes a lot to get to the bottom of so many of them and none of that happens overnight.  I am no longer super woman who can switch back and forth between angry and afraid and good spouse.  I will no longer do that to myself.  To me that was an unachievable expectation.   I don't think it was healthy on any level.

These days there are certainly people who I harbor lots of feelings about. I have to work on them but I don't think that having those feelings is unnecessarily unhealthy. Acting on them is another matter.

Maresie.