The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH started drinking again (he says for a month but I say longer). After almost 4 years of sobriety, he picked up. He started acting strange and like he was drunk a lot but I could never smell anything, find any alcohol in the house....come to find out he was getting beer and pouring it into N/A beer cans to bring it on.
I feel for him but I am okay within me. I'm all kinds of mad but hey he is doing this to himself. It has nothing to do with me. I have many many Alanon and AA friends that I have developed over the years going to meetings and they have been a huge support.
Right now I am not in any physical danger and have decided that I will stay for the time being to try and save money for a move when that time comes.
Of course, he blames me for lots of imaginary stuff as is fairly normal with an alcoholic. For the last month I have suspected and even kept looking for eveidence of it but never could find any. Sneaky and wily jerk. He even led me to believe all kinds of crap when I confronted him, so I am not immune to the sucking in of me yet. Only I just recognize it now way sooner than I used to but can stop it in its tracks when it starts. I love telling him he is full of BS. sad to say but true.
I'm going to two Alanon meetings this week, a few AA meetings, and keeping myself well read and in program. Going to sit down and make some goals for myself and do what I need to do to keep my mind from gravitating to him.
Loss of relationship when with an alcoholic is still a loss. While I have a few tears now and again, I don't plan on being a victim this time. Alanon really works because I am okay within myself. Who knew that 4 years down the road when chaos is happening all around me I would be good within myself? I sure did not but the beauty of Alanon is that I learned that it is possible.
I know what you mean about being good within yourself. My brother died a few years ago, and I thank AlAnon with me having a good relationship with him regardless of his illness. It was chaos as you say, and we were able to continue loving each other. He left me with a clear memory of his end and knowing I wouldn't have changed my behavior or our conversations. Of course, I would wish he were still alive. I was able to grasp reality and see beyond his illness. When he went, I was peaceful. I know it's due to my work in AlAnon.
((((Soul and Jill)))) what great affirmations to start my day with. The trust and hope continues because there is some much proof that "this program" works when you work it. Thanks so much for your ESH...if I do what you've done I will get what you've gotten. Kill my pride and my ego...duplicate what has worked for others...my program doesn't work...I am powerless and when I try to exert power, having none, my life becomes unmanageable. I remember having to and then being willing to create a relationship stronger and more dedicated with my Higher Power than my alcoholic/addict....she was my higher power for a long while until I realized that I choose someone who wasn't qualified to be that and that I was choosing a woman who wasn't qualified or interested for that matter. Alcohol comes first...always...when the disease is running. Keep coming back and Mahalo again for your ESH. ((((hugs))))
What a great post and one that hits home with me today. Alanon has made the difference for me too, because while his world may be out of control - mine is not. I must make an active decision daily to feel that way, some days are harder than others. I am right by your side today in thought and prayer. sg
Thanks Jill. I chose my name souljoy because that is what is in my heart....to be a soul filled with joy and spread it to help others realize their "joy potential". :)
Oh I still love him for sure. I don't like him right now. The resentments are hard to get rid of when you are in the midst of it. I find myself drifting toward wondering about him, obssessing about will he or won't he at times. I often just pick up a book and read something for me to remind me to focus on me. The hard part is when he wants to talk. I usually give him 10 min tops then walk out, especially if he is drinking.
I am glad you found some peace within your relationship before your brother died. When you are in the midst of it, it is often hard to look at them and realize they are sick puppies. When you see past that, you can love them in spite of it. :) Thank you -- you have given me hope that I can do the same.
I try very hard to actively make that decision to not be a part of the chais. Some days I succeed better at it than others. Today I went to a meeting and it was good; I came home tired and took a nap. So just for today, I did well! :) Thanks for reminding me it is a daily decision!
