Interesting delimma - Al-Anon Family Group

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Interesting delimma

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

My thoughts if this was my situation and my X alcoholic.

Hands off!!! Also being an ex claims examiner you cant prove or disprove a person is injured, its subjective.
Your word against his. If they believe its a bogus claim they will send it to special investigations and request a sub rosa. (which is surveillance).

I say put all the energy that your putting into the alcholic trying to trip him up. Most A's trip themselves up, you wont have to bother, I hope you put it into your recovery.

In support, Bettina

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

But - I really don't want to let him get away with being permanently labeled disabled when there are jobs he could do if he didn't think he was too good for them, ....GRRRR there you go right out of your own mouth. Reminds me of hearing the first step as told by a non recovering family member..."Refused to admit I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable". My impression you really are more aware than you make yourself out to be. I co-ed for my alcoholic/addict on a car because of her credit worthiness and when we separated I call the creditors and gave them the information which I also posted three times in the local paper..."I _________ am no longer reponsible for any debt which contains the name of ________" Then when the finance company called and asked what to do about the payment I told them go pick up the security for the loan. You can do that...If the loan is secured you can surrender the security; unless you still have the leather jacket and plan on continuing to ride yourself. LOL It could happen...((((hugs)))) smile

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

This post brings back memories, I, too, once had the most delicious dreams of revenge... while in recovery! Even when someone called me out on it and said, "revenge is not recovery" and "feelings are indicative of whether or not we're working recovery".... it did NOT immediately go away. I did want recovery, but I was sooooo stuck in being a victim and stuck in my self-pity, that it took a long time in active recovery for ME to heal from being affected by this disease. And I still work it because my brain is going to do what my brain is going to do.

"If you want what we've got, you will go to any lengths to get it" I kept hearing. I was already going to 3-4 meetings a week, I didn't know what more to do while also working two jobs. At about that time, I received a voicemail message from my old sponsor, (I called her for help too, I was sooo unhappy and I liked to spread my misery around, lol.) I saved the message for a very long time. She said, "I'd be mad too, but did you pray?! Cuz that's what we're supposed to do, we're supposed to trust God and if we're not trusting God, we're supposed to ask for help with that."

It was a perfect response because when I took that suggestion, things began to change. In me.

Today, I know that when I look fear in the face and react with more fear (anger and revenge) I only contribute to a more fearful world, and that's the REAL problem right there, we don't have enough people walking around relying on Higher power. Angry people don't heal, they are not at peace, and that's what I really wanted, I wanted to feel better. I'm like you, I'm too old and rickety to hate anymore, I want to FEEL good, I've spent my entire life living in the insanity of this disease. So they told me to pray and to start praying differently, to stop giving God a list of things to do, which is what I had always done, actually playing God. But rather, leave the outcomes to God, tell God you trust Him to handle everything. I began praying along these lines, take what you like, leave the rest.....

"God, please give me inner peace. Help me to experience love. I don't know what would bring that to me but I surrender this situation to You. I trust You. Your will be done."

I hope you feel better soon, you deserve it. It's going to be okay, it really is, no matter what he's doing, you are going to be okay ((my friend))

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 7th of August 2012 08:50:48 AM

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, but do those thoughts bring you peace? My sponsor often said, "Stop thinking!!"

Ask yourself what you think is going on in YOU. Where am I in the steps? Is this a spiritual response, or a human one?

I have been where you are at, sometimes I didn't want to hear the Solution. But I learned I was happiest (and that's what I really wanted) and certainly more at peace (I wanted that too!!) when I just released him. Release him, as is, to his Higher power to make things right. I don't have the power to make things right for the world, I am not God. Besides, policing the world is just too exhausting for me.

I surrendered so that I could have some power. Real power. Peace, for me, is connecting with Higher power and loving thought, it's getting back to working on myself, where I do have some power and control.

The solution is Higher power. And that characteristic always looks like love. Love yourself right where you are, and leave him be. That is what I see the fellowship has posted here to you. That is certainly what worked best for me. Rely on Higher power, not on yourself to make things right (((hugs)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 7th of August 2012 10:49:31 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the saying "Let go and let God" might apply here as elsewhere. Being an A never brings big rewards to people; it always brings them down, even in thousands of tiny ways we can't see. So he will not be profiting from his insanity even in the unlikely event that he gets worker's comp. But in any case, every move we make to stay entangled with them and their problems just keeps us in the insanity. I always try to remember "Recovery isn't winning; it's not playing." Hugs.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Believe me when I say that I know how much better off I am not worrying about what he is doing, not giving him that energy. But - I would report someone if I knew they were abusing the government assistance program - because I believe they shouldn't get away with it; I am a mandatory reporter of child and elder/other abuse and I believe in the saying that all evil needs to succeed is that good men do nothing. Workplace posters all urge you to report abusers. The moral obligation is there fighting with the selfish feeling that, hey, if he wins and pays off the loan then I can be free and clear of the whole darn thing! I can live with and conquer my personal urge to sock it to him, I'm sure that's not a big factor - its the arguement of it being a duty to report abusers vs the benefit of getting the loan out of my life.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe I am not responsible for any messes but my own. There. lol

It is YOUR bike, I would get it back and take care of it. AS it would be my responsibility.

Really that is that. All the rest would be under none of my business as far as I am concerned. I cannot control all that. Besides no one can give you any information on his stuff becuz of the HIPPA laws.

This is what is meant by Al Anons Keeping it simple. Stay on our side of the street. We can only control ourselves. His or her disease is none of our business. Let go and let God. Take your own inventory......no one elses.

Look how short this is, simple, easy. Look at how long and hard yours is.

GREat Post good to see you are thinkun! hugs,debilyn

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

the ex A always did brag about whatever scheme he had pulled off. As I was overinvolved I was always stewing about what he did, how he did it and who he was with.

Like other people I had to learn to keep my hands off. I also had to work hard on getting my own life together. For so many of us leaving an alcoholic means taking huge losses. I had to write off a lot of money when I left the ex A. He tantalized me with the promise he would pay or do good but he had absolutely no intention of doing that.

Workers comp cases take a long long time. No one really is an expert on what they get, when they get it and how the case goes. I know that personally. Some cases go well and some don't.

Letting go of the A was one of the hardest things I did and one of the best decisions I ever made. So many people told me that I would have to cut my losses and I held on and held on trying to scrape up something from nothing.

Maresie.

terese0123 · Member

I am new at this getting emotionally healthy thing and learning how to let go of things. I completely understand your feelings. My first thought is that you are wasting your time. First, whose to say he will get the settlement and actually pay off the bike? So either way you are at risk for more disappointment and frustration. Better to let it go as mentioned above and let him destroy himself. As frustrating as it is, my ex will continue to do whatever he can to make my life miserable because I have kept playing the game with him so long. I was the one being good and afterall the good people are supposed to "win", right? Moving on and leaving it alone will benefit you more in the long run.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.