The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I fell in love with someone who turned out to be an alcoholic. I had no idea at the time of our "courtship" that he struggled with this sickness, and he was also in denial. He recently completed 6 months of treatment, and then when a conflict arose, he relapsed. He admitted that he sought treatment during those 6 months so that he could "win" me back. He is now living in a halfway house, has found a job and is working the 12 step program again. He says that he is deeply in love with me, and I am afraid that I'm still in love with him...afraid because I don't know if I'm in love with someone who is "real" or someone who he invented to manipulate me. I don't know how much of our relationship was based on fact and how much was fiction. Do I allow more potential heartache into my life, or do I move on? This is my conflict.
I have seen this question posed many times on this board if you knew nothing was going to change could you accept the situation as it is? I paraphrased that .. however pretty much for me that sums up my own answer right there.
Hugs P :)
welcome and please keep coming back.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My experience has been that they manipulate as a way of life and only learn to have some control over it if they are heavily working a program for years and years. Those of us who are not the alcoholic won't know if they are truly going to grow and heal, or if they will just continue to relapse and manipulate.
You will know the answer to your question when you are ready. No one here can help you decide. I took the gamble, told myself it was worth trying. As of this weekend, it is ending after 7 months. I don't regret trying but it was bitter sweet. I've been introduced to the monster called alcoholism and as I've heard said before "it takes no prisoners, only casualties".
I come away from this realizing how much more I have to learn about myself. How much more work on myself I have to do. And with a lot of painful things I witnessed that hurt to live through. I think Puska nailed it. "If nothing was going to change, could you accept the situation as it is?" I know now that my answer is no.
These alcoholics when you separate the drinker from the sober person are often amazing, wonderful people. But this disease, it is a whole other monster and I realized that we can't be in denial and separate they two, they come as a package.
Thanks for sharing this with us Conflicted. I feel that if there is a bond between you both and you connect together on a heart level with each other, then there is probably a genuine relationship there. In a way, imagining or hoping that it's fiction may be a way of coping with the awful dilemma of loving an A. Just a thought (based on my own experience of denial. The tough part is the decision about whether to follow your heart, or whether it will be too tough a path because he doesn't find sobriety.
On another note, ASM clumped all alcoholics in together, saying "they manipulate as a way of life and only learn to have some control over it if they are heavily working a program for years and years"...which is rather damning. Being a double winner (with 25 years sobriety myself as well as working the al-anon program), I find it unhelpful to make sweeping, diagnostic statements like this. Once the alcohol is put down, people in both AA and al-anon are recovering from very similar character defects (including manipulation lol) to one another. The recovery of each of those individuals (including it's quality and pace) depends on many, many factors.
Keep coming back, because there is hope for you both in the 12 steps, but your job is to focus on yourself as a priority and take good care of you!
Tigger x
-- Edited by Tigger on Monday 6th of August 2012 01:48:16 PM
