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BF is in another relapse, I posted below. I had him leave last night, he doesn't live here but is here a lot. It was a quiet parting, he was upset, tried a lot of manipulation and I ignored it and stuck to my decision.
He finally texted me at 12:30 today with just "I'm sorry". This is manipulation, I'm no fool and not responding to it. Here is the thing, I told him he could contact me if he'd been sober 3 days. Well I'm at the point where I need to break it off with him and he could be drunk for a week or dead by tomorrow or even sober by tomorrow, there is no way to know.
I'm not basing my desision on worrying about his response. I would rather call him and get this over with instead of stringing him along but I won't know if he will remember it depending on how drunk he is.
I know I don't have to make any decisions right now and really this decision took me most of the morning to settle with. I knew it deep down but was fighting it. I came to terms with it a couple of hours ago. I can't trust telling him in person, I have no idea what condition he is in. He's not dangerous in the least but I still do not need to be sitting with a manipulative, drunk, pity party...
So do I just call him and gently get this over with? I'm not going to be mean I'm not even mad. I'm so terribly sad and heartbroken over what this disease can do to someone and I just wish with all my heart that he finds a way to beat this before it kills him.
I guess I'm struggling to think of other ways to approach this. Clearly this is my decision. Sometimes I get a one track mind and miss other better ideas. And I over-think everything.... probably becoming an analyst was a bad idea LOL. Any feedback is appreciated.
I decided yesterday that knowing what I know now, I know without a doubt having any kind of conversation with someone who is intoxicated is a fruitless exercise in wasted energy. It's not meant as mean or unsympathetic towards the alcoholic in my life. It just is a real reality in my case. So any kind of meaningful conversation he's either going to hear or not it's not my issue. I absolutely choose not to engage if I suspect he has been drinking. They are going to hear what they want to hear. It's a hard situation and a very heart breaking situation. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I guess I'll wait. I just want this to be done. He left most of his stuff here, medication included and it could be weeks or more. I've got a life to keep moving through and really just want to cut ties and move on.
I'll wait. I've boxed up some of his stuff, talked to my older boys about it and they understand. Also the trip to England is August 27 and I'm not going now.
Aloha C...struggling with it means you haven't let go of it and are still trying some control tactics. Surrender and letting go to be effective is to do just that without residual thoughts, feelings and actions which involved dealing with the alcoholic or alcoholism. If you've got a sponsor call your sponsor rather than think of ways to stay "working" the disease. When you're working it...it's work you. I have a velcro anology that I use for myself which shows me that the problem gets stuck to me and needs to be peeled off. Okay having said that my thoughts nad ideas are call your sponsor or someone else in the program and listen, learn and then practice, practice, practice. ((((hugs))))
I have been talking to my sponsor, but lost contact for awhile today. I totally see the control part - I just feel in limbo right now. I know I'm done with the relationship, he doesn't know so yeah just wanting to put it to rest. I'm just going to pray on it. What I see as an asset in me, is clearly also a weakness or flaw. I plan, organize and execute. I am very schedule/goal oriented and that's why I was saying I know I am probably missing other possiblities here :)
I appreciate the feedback. Lots to look at. Just have 3 boys and work and life to keep moving through. My time doesn't stand still when his does. I don't really want to talk to him at all. But in the same breath, I have the urge to slam the door and walk away so I can grieve and move on. I guess that's part of the control.
I understand your response...it kinda sorta sounds like my having the "last word" syndrome with my alcoholic/addict which I didn't get so had to learn to "let go absolutely". Another thing I came to understand was that part of the definition of alcoholism which says that, "we are just as affected as the alcoholic though we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality". They get numb and for us the compulsion to beat it, see it thru, fix it, have the last word etc...runs like were bingeing. When my sponsor told me that I had to get away from all things alcohol, I had a vision of carrying my alcoholic/addict out to the middle of a major intersection at rush hour traffic just like an infant and leaving her on the pavement without protection. Without shame...this man cried like a baby himself. There is a power greater than myself that I came to rely on and last time I looked the whole thing turned out better than I had ever imagined. Practice hope and trust and unconditional love. ((((hugs))))
My experience is that generally alcoholics are not surprised when we call it quits. They know that things have been bad for a while. They're not fooled about whether we're happy with the way things are.
I knew that if I told my AH in person that I wanted to separate, it would be unpleasant. He would probably storm around and slam doors and roll his eyes and push my buttons and even though I had no fear that he would be physically violent, we would both be miserable. So I would never do this under other circumstances, but I told him by e-mail. Then he had it in writing and he could wait before responding. He said, "Well, this is not a surprise to me. Okay." On the day itself, when he moved all his stuff out, I was stricken with grief (while all my friends said, "You are doing this for an excellent reason! You made this decision for a reason!" They were right.) But the next day I felt a wonderful feeling of freedom.
I think I am understanding what is being said. It's a little difficult for me. I want HP to take him and I want HP to be with me (and He is) right now. The control is coming from a parental area of me. I'm not comfortable with 3 minor boys in the house just waiting to see what comes. They are understanding of what is going on but I'm having a hard time with my own emotions right now which is always confusing for kids. I have to provide some stability here - I know that means I'm controlling things. I don't know any other way. These kids have been through enough and this was the first time in 5 years they met someone I was dating. I don't want this break to be full of drama like the last. I'll just keep asking HP to show me what He wants. My boys know this is happening and I'm being open with them when my feelings get too big.
Mattie he may know but he has a tendency to pretend it's still all normal. When he left it was odd, this "can I have a kiss goodbye" thing followed with "I'll call you tomorrow" as if I hadn't said anything to him. So far I got a text yesterday after noon saying "I'm sorry" and have not heard anything else since. I didn't respond to it. I'm hoping to tell him on the phone when I do, no idea when he'll be sober (or if honestly).
I do not do well without a plan. As I sit here considering just letting things happen, it feels disjointed and unstable. Those things I don't function well with. Planning has made me one of the top performers at my work. Planning got me through 2 years of night school, full time work and full custody of 3 kids under the age of 13. Planning keeps my budget tight as a rock. Planning helps me set boundaries with my kids, my ex, my stb exABF. When I have a plan I can relax and let the plan do the work. Just letting things go...feels awful to me.
I guess I tend to think of these times as uncomfortable growth which is not a bad thing it just means I"m competely out of my comfort zone. I do know if I am ok and I am doing what I need to do then the kids are very much ok. When I am not ok though the kids totally pick up on it. This is where for me honesty is the best policy and we talk about feelings and so on. I realize you have some different challenges in regards to the kids. I find though my children do so much better when I'm honest and not throwing my stbax under the bus.
It also reminds me how much further I have to grow and heal even. I still want to control the situation even though it's not up to me. It's a defect and not a bad one really. Like you verbalized without having a plan you wouldn't have gotten through some really tough times. There are times that sometimes the best plan is no plan.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka, so true, difficult growth. I don't have any ill feelings towards him, when I talked to the boys I was very loving and kind and expressed that he doesn't want this disease, he doesn't like when he drinks but he doesn't know how to stop it yet and to not be upset with him but just understand that I can't be with him when he's still having relapses. They were very understanding and in fact my middle son was helping my oldest (who has very mild autism but causes him to have no filter) to realize things he needed to be careful about asking if he saw BF.
It's a little fuzzy and hard for me because I know control is one of our defects, but I do not think control is always bad. Clearly in this situation I have a disconnect because I can kind of sit back and grasp what everyone is saying, but a part of me is confused as to why it's bad to want to put this relationship to rest. Last night the older boys were up late and getting loud and wound up and I got upset and just said "It's been a really bad day, I'm grumpy and I need peace and quiet so you two need to go to be right now". They got it LOL.
I'm "not ok" because I'm feeling stuck. So I guess that's the disconnect. I suppose even when I tell him, nothing will change? I think though for me it will be that final clarification and I can move forward to letting friends and family know (outside of my little circle), some of the friends are friends to both of us. I can set the boundary of him removing ALL of his stuff from my house. But I suppose again that's just control?
Well I guess I'll go back to my step 4 work on control again LOL. I knew I'd be revisiting things. I'm hard headed, that I know.
I don't think it's bad to want to put something to rest .. just like I am dealing with now, ... you are not dealing with the sober guy and who knows if you will from this point out. he's two people wrapped up into one and one of those guys is the disease ridden one. I already know I haven't been hearing from the "normal" guy I want to believe is there and my reality is anything I say is going to go in one ear and out the other. The picking his stuff up isn't control it just is what it is .. the ending of things. Saying the same thing over and over is control. I think I just want to be heard and that's me trying to rationalize with that irrational side of him. I belive if I'm not mistake you have verbalized on the boards you were done and he knew it if he continued to drink. What more is there to say? It doesn't have to be nasty or mean .. it's that say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean slogans. Ending it "officially" why? What's the motive? You've already stated your position anything else seems redunant at this point. kwim? He knows he can't call you if he's drunk I would say that's a good indicator of where he is at the moment just that, drunk. You wouldn't want to talk to him anyway, Mattie mentioned sending an email and if that is something that would work for you then that's a good option. You also get the time to reflect on what you want to say while making it about ending the relationship and not about his sobriety or lack of sobriety. That is something to run by your sponsor and have them help you .. that is the purpose of a sponsor is to get a clearer picture of motives and what is going to be the clearer picture of our part (I'm referring to ending things clearly vs sending mixed messages, his part is his part and on him). kwim??
Anyway, it's a rough situation and we all do the best we can under these circumstances. It is interesting to look at my coping and how I get sucked into my past behavior when these uncomfortable growth opportunities are presented.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know I had to do a plan be before I could get to the point of saying goodbye to the ex A. Even then there were many many strings that were not tied up.
Of course the ex A's behavior at so many times got to the point where I was so sick, frustrated and angry at him I wanted him gone from my life fore ever. In fact gone from my life took a full year after I had moved out from him.
I set myself so many maxims about it and beat myself up so mercilessly. A long relationship is not something that ends easily. Go easy on yourself and give yourself time.
Then work on what those boundaries will be. Of course he will test them. How will you respond, how will you take care of yourself. How will you not be pulled back in.
When I am dealing with an alcoholic the non response is so so key.
Thanks Maresie. I talked to sponsor, seems the desire for closure for myself won out the dilemma. I did speak to him and glad I did. He initially acted as though nothing happened and things were normal. Of course he was intoxicated though very coherent. He was clearly upset and has gone back into hiding.
I'm into the going easy on myself now. I had a good cry tonight, I've been in auto pilot with the kids here, just making sure life keeps moving. they are with dad tonight so I let it go. I'm sure there will be more.
Yes the plan is, he can come get his stuff when he has been sober for 3 days. When we spoke I was brief and caring. Just "this is not the right time for us, we need to focus on our recovery and we can't be together anymore".
That was it, he tried calling a few more times that night and I ignored them. Now I'm going to spend more time on the steps, more time on myself yet again and more time with my friends who get me through many things.
