The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is a letter I will never send to you, but its all the things that need to be said.The things that I need set free from my mind and heart, before I drown in them.
Your disease is a huge problem in your life.And because I am a part of your life, it is a huge problem for me.Your alcoholism is so pervasive, you cannot see anything clearly.I understand it is an illness, but you are making a choice to live with the illness and do nothing about it.For this, I am disappointed in you.I have been sick many times in my life, but I have always strived to get betterno matter what it takes.Hospital stays, weeks on medications, countless MD appointments, surgical procedures, psychiatrists, etc.I have submitted myself to all of them, because I do not want to remain sick.Why would anyone choose to continue ill?
But you do _________.You daily make a choice that is ruining your life.It is being ruined because you are an axxxxole when drunk.You hit me, shoved me, belittled and berated me all while drunk.You fell down the stairs when drunk.You got kicked out of the casino when drunk.You kissed my mother when drunk.You got DUIs because you were drunk.You went to jail because you molested a stranger when drunk.Now, tell yourself and tell me how being drunk has not affected your life
You told me yesterday that its all me; that I am the instigator and that you have no blame.Shame onyou.Shame on you for allowing yourself to hold onto such a delusion.You are an alcoholic. A drunk.Someone who cannot live without getting drunk.Its a horrible, heartless diseaseand I feel sorry that you have to endure it.But I am angry at you for making no effort to get your disease under control.Everyone has pains and heartache and a past that needs to be suppressed.EVERYONE.I do, you do, most do.But when you choose to do nothing about a disease that makes you act like a bully, a jerk, an xxxxxxole and a heartless xxxxxxxxd, you make a choice to remain ill forever.
I am furious with you.You shoved me away yet again, because you were that drunken xxxxxxxle.And you are ok with shoving me.You are ok with physically hitting me; with verbally abusing me; with emotionally depleting me.I dont fault you for your actions when drunk, but I am ashamed of your lack on action when sober.Are you so much in denial that you think that anything you do and say while drunk is forgivable?You are ugly when drunk, disgusting and vile.And yet, you have no control over yourself when drunk.BUT YOU DO, WHEN SOBER.As a sober man, are you ok making excuses for your actions?Are you OK saying it was all the booze, and it wasnt you, so it must be my fault?Are you OK being your father?God, I hope not.
This is your wake up call.Make a choice to be healthy, to stop the dissent into your illness.Everything you think and feel and know is an aberration of the truthbecause its all rooted in alcohol.You are a smart man, but you refuse to self-evaluate.You think you are the only person in pain?You think that your life is better by visiting that pain on the people you love?Wake up.Sober up.It will be a long journey, a difficult one.But you can do it.I have faith in you.I love you.You are the man I want to spend the rest of my days with---but you cannot bring the vile drunk home anymore. I will be right by your side as you start this long voyage, with its many ups and downs.I will be there as long as you take that first step.But if you fail yourself and choose to remain a drunk, you are failing me and failing us.And I can no longer be at your side while you destroy your life, all the while thinking its OK.
You fill my heart up with love, peace and joy.Dont let your disease destroy all this.
Yours always,
_________________
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 4th of August 2012 06:29:34 PM
I hope letting all your feelings out made you feel a little better. Yes , I recognize myself in your letter, those are all the things my X A husband did while drunk , which was all the time. In 26 years of marriage there were hardly any sober moments. Thanks to Alanon , Im not there anymore. This disease of alcoholism can victimize you, when we let it.
Only by learning the tools of Alanon and being open to attending face to face meetings , will you find some relief and serenity. We have all walked in your shoes. You have reached out in desperation and you made contact with the best group of people, with experience, strength and hope to help you recover from the affects of this dreadful disease.
Please keep coming back and Im sure you will get some more responses filled with wisdom. Please focus on You and try not to focus too much on the A. It all starts with YOU.
I know for me the real frustration of dealing with alcoholism is that there are so many wake up calls and because of the disease they are all wrapped up and put aside. I also know that there are many many people who do hear the wake up call. Unfortunately for so many of them the result is a lot of relationships that are destroyed.
I still lament the wake up calls that the ex A had. Destroyed cars, fines galore, financial problems the works. He heard none of them, he had so many excuses, lies and denial it was impressive. it was indeed always always always someone else's fault.
For me graspoing the "disease" has taken years. I reallyfelt I could make a difference when I did not. I could not chip away at his denial. I had to learn how to really face the fact that I was indeed powerless in the face of it. I think that takes a lot of grief, anger and self relfection. I could not reflect on myself when I was so devastated by the disease.
I am glad you are here. Keep working on reaching out to others.
