The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Went out last night after work for a few drinks with work colleagues - we have a visitor to our workplace from an overseas collaborator who has been here for 2 months and is going back tomorrow.
Anyway I let my partner know by phone I was going out after work (she is the A in my life), I was probably a bit unrealistic in saying I'd leave at 7.30 - realistically left to get off home at 9pm, but let her know. Through the evening I get texts saying stuff like 'our child is going to bed and upset she could'nt say night night to you' (in fact I spoke to the A on the phone and daughter (who is 5) didn't want to come to the phone! ... other texts saying 'you promised you would be home you broke your promise' etc etc.
I'm just sick of this emotional blackmail/abuse I get.
In fact when I was leaving I did phone to say I was on my way back. Mobile was switched off (as she was probably in a drunken stupor in bed). Left message on landline answerphone too.
Get home, key had been left in the front door - so couldn't get in, deliberate or not I don't know. Luckily the back door was unlocked so I could get in ... otherwise what would I do.
I go to bed around midnight and she woke up, then get a grilling. It was all accusatory stuff 'who were you with, who is this person, where did you go' ... I'm sick of this 'xxxx' I really am.
Today I'm just keeping clear because I feel totally disconnected to this person. My life has become a place of just bearing, just existing. Is this it? What is the point.
I need to get to a f2f meeting, would have gone last night ironically - but this guy from work was leaving. Will go next week.
... not in a happy place right now, feel really isolated, emotionally disconnected, flat, stressed, with no interests.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 2nd of August 2012 10:41:49 AM
You got it in your 2nd to last line, try and get to a f2f meeting.
Remember - what did you do wrong? Been there done that - you need to detach but not to isolate. We all get sick of the sh*t that our A's dish out, look after yourself, sending big hugs
F2F meetings have made a HUGE difference for me. When I practice the things I have learned, I keep sane even in tough moments like you describe. Sometimes the old me pops in to say hello & then it's trouble tho! There is more than just existing & you are entitled to all of it. I spent way too many years just existing & "dealing with it". When I learned to separate myself from the disease, things got better. F2F meetings & a sponsor played a huge part in that for me. A good sponsor is invaluable, they understand, they know when your full of BS, they don't judge & very important, they teach. It never comes fast enough, but it does come. Peace to you.
Have you ever done a gratitude list? I have done those when I am in a funk and doing one from A - Z puts my mind in a much better place than when I started. It gives me a focal point of what I have to be grateful for vs staying in my spin.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pretty much all you have to do is start with anything that starts with the letter of the alphabet that you are grateful for today
For me the letter A for me is Alanon, B - Beach, C - Children, D - Detachment .. it's very basic and it just moves my mind from where I am at to where I want to be and what is good in my life. E - Easy Entertainment, F - Friends, G - Girlfriends, H - Honesty .. that should give you an idea of what one looks like :)
Hugs P :)
I had a sister in Alanon get so mad at me when I made her do one as we were at McD's .. by the time we got done she looked at me and said I think I'm really mad at you right now .. I feel better .. LOL!! Now I tease her .. do we need to go have a soda and do a gratitude list?
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
