The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having moments of weakness today and tonight. In my mind, I keep flashing memories of the good times. We reconciled after 27 years, he was sober. We were in love. We got engaged in Feb 2011. We went to Kauai last May, it was such a romantic and fun time together. I hate that I have these happy memories. They are messing with me right now. I just went to my facebook and unblocked him. I don't know why? But, now it says I can't block him again for 48 hours. I am going to get to a meeting tomorrow. I am off tomorrow from work then back Fri and Saturday. I guess working in Labor and Delivery sort of gets to me at times. I see couples at their best moments. They are experiencing the birth of a child and I see how much the men love their wives during this process. It makes me lonely and regretful about my life. I never wanted the divorce from my husband of 15 years and we had 4 kids together, then when my exAF came along, I thought it was such a blessing. It seemed to be a blessing and something that was meant to be. So, now...sitting here alone tonight. My kids are all gone. Work was horribly busy with this darn full moon. I am feeling vulnerable and lonely.
I pulled out my list of what I felt like when he was drunk and so out of control. I watched the videos I have on my phone of him drunk and saying so much crap and blaming me for stuff that really was just drunk talk. But, still I miss the my sober AF. How did this get to be such a mess?
I know in the am I will be more clear minded. I am exhausted right now. I had a long hard day at work. But, I was being so strong and now I messed up by unblocking him and grieving.
I liked when I felt at peace with everything.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I love the peace and serenity times too while also being grateful for the crappy times where lessons were learned. Be as gentle with yourself as you are with others...take that as a prescription. (((hugs)))
Thanks Jerry...I have to keep this all clear in my head. The crappy times taught me incredible lessons. But, the good times make me grieve the loss... I will be OK. Thank you.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
For me the stove is still hot and it still can hurt when I touch. I can very much relate to your share.
Good for you in coming here to put that all out. I tend to do that whole denial thing of things were better than I really remembered them to be, the good normal times are that more exaggerated because the normal things were so few and far between. When I can look at my relationship while being detached and as an observer .. things were not as normal/good as I thought they were in my mind. It was just a phase. We would get through it and things would be better on the other side. Things would be better on the other side. Rest assured things were not better on the other side because I chose to look the other way.
I was alone in a relationship that requires 2 parties to be present and neither of us were really there.
Feelings aren't facts and they will pass. That's the awesome thing about alanon is I don't have to react to any feelings I have, and they pass .. as I've been told .. like a kidney stone however they will pass.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have to work hard to unfocus on other couples because it leads me down a difficult path. Right now being single I have to work on being single and not be lamenting what I never had. I did not have a marriage, relationship that wasn't destroyed by alcoholism. What I had was an illusion of something that could work and never did.
I find that focusing full time on taking care of myself is so key to not feeling lost, helpless and resentful of the ex A.
I notice after a long hard day at work, I come home and see my house a complete wreck and I am just exhausted! That is when I start my "stinkin thinkin".
I have to stop myself, I have to remember HALT! (I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely and/or Tired) My disease creeps in on me when I am one of those things.
Hugs to you Katfshh! You are never alone. You have your HP and you have us! - dragonflys
When I broke up from my ex-A that I'd been with for 7 years, I was so freaking lonely, sad, scared, depressed. I didn't know how to live alone and didn't want to. It was painful but I grew more during that time than ever before. In any relationship I have now, I know that whatever happens, I'll be okay because I can and will take care of myself. What helped me was to try and get out with friends, going to lots of meetings, staying active in church or fellowship activities.... And then starting to date again with low expectations (multiple dates - playing the field and actually knowing I could pick and choose differently this time - i.e...no drinkers, no people living with their mom, nobody in the closet (crucial for me since I am gay), must have decent job, no people in recovery (I tried that and we had too much of the same issues every time)....Above all, when I started dating again it was with a bit more self esteem and knowing I didn't have to settle for anything less than what I wanted.
