The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I all. I found this board while searching for Al-Anon. I am currently married to an Alcoholic and is completely losing it and blaming it on me. I have left our house and am currently staying at a friend's house while trying to figure out what I want to do. I am going to my first meeting tonight and don't really know what to expect or what is expected of me. Can someone give me some advice? I feel like if I say something I am going to start crying and not be able to stop.
I still love my husband dearly, but he is thinking I am the reason he drinks. He might be right, that yes, I enable his lifestyle, but he is wrong in that I don't make him go to the bars, nor do I put that beer in his hands. I am utterly destroyed, because it seems that he doesn't give a crap about me leaving and is just living his life happy ever after, while I am left here to pick up the pieces of what I thought was my life and my future. As an added bonus, he recently met someone that is actually leaving her things at the house I technically still live in. (I've only been at my friend's since Monday for crying out loud) All my things are there. This new woman was the catalyst that forced me to leave. I couldn't stay somewhere where I am so easily being replaced. He said about a week ago that he was quitting drinking, only to be the worst I've ever seen. I actually thought that yay, he's going to get help, he'll become healthy. Only to be met with him now going to bars and with a woman that he met that he is replacing me with. Talk about a hit to your self-esteem.
If someone has gone through something similar, leaving the person you love because you just can't go on with it anymore, help.
When you go to Al Anon you will hear something like "whatever your problem, there are those of us here who have suffered it too" . You are not alone in what you have experienced. Part of your story sounds all too familiar to me, as I'm sure parts do to many, many Al Anon members. Walking into Al Anon is your first great step to finding healing, peace and serenity. One of the principles of Al Anon is sharing the experience, strength and hope that members have experienced through their journeys of working the Al Anon program- there is healing and hope there.
My first Al Anon meetings were confusing affairs- and each group is a little different. Essentially- you will go into a room where people are gathered, someone will chair the meeting and you will be able to just listen. At one point you will go around and introduce youself by your first name. Some groups split into smaller groups, some don't, but there is a period where each person is able to share if they choose. You choose if you want to, and if you prefer to just listen, you can say "pass". Some groups offer 'beginners' small groups- or an opportunity to meet with just one or two other people- a chance for you to share your story and ask questions. Many don't. Some will give you a 'beginner's packet', and if no one offers it, ask if they have one. Get the pamphlets and read them. There are books that will help you a lot, they may offer them for sale, and some groups have chipped in to buy some to give to new members. If you are able, try to get at least one of the books.
The most frustrating thing for me as I began Al Anon was that I wanted to scream "TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Even if I had, no one would have done so. You learn by continuing to go back, listening to others stories, listening to your own words as you share, working through the 12 steps and how they apply to you, reading the Al Anon literature, visiting boards like this one. It can bring some immediate relief and it can also seem like a painfully slow process, but I promise you- this is just the first step in a series of steps, and each step takes you closer to a place of peace and freedom. You will find the right answers for you and for your circumstances. You are doing the right thing, the best thing for yourself by going. And..... I know how painful this place is. Know that you will laugh again. You will feel safe again. You will find the right answers for you.
peace, hope, blessings to you- hang in there. Keep coming back. prisca
I said my first Al Anon meetings were confusing- but even so, they were safe. People were generally nice and helpful- they too once walked into their first Al Anon meeting. These are people who understand how you've been wounded. Another thing you will likely hear there is something like "though you may not like all of us, you will love us in a very special way- the same way we already love you." It's true : )
Prisca gave an excellent account of what to expect.... The only thing I would add, is the amazing feeling that when you get to realize that there ARE people out there who understand, who have walked in your shoes, and understand the chaos currently happening with your A and in your life..... It is a feeling I will honestly never forget - I was sure that nobody could possibly understand the insanity that was my house at the time.
I'd also strongly recommend the book "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews
Keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Melodi please come back and report so that others can learn too. Go with an open mind it will be different at first like all new things are. Take the expectation that you don't know whats gonna go on or how it will end up. Come tell us (((((hugs)))))
