The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Your post reminded me of when my sponsor shared a dose of reality with me, she said I was never "really" married, only on paper. She said it takes two to "commit" to marriage, my husband was not committed. She called my marriage an "illusion," part of my disease, seeing things how I wanted to see them, not seeing reality. For 26 years, I did what you did, I wanted him to change and I fully expected him to change. What an awful life it was, both of us so sick.
My amends to him included apologizing for not supporting him when he sought recovery in the early days, I'm sorry to say I was one of those wives. The other thing I apologized for was for making it ALL his fault, I told him I am responsible for my own happiness, that I no longer hold him responsible.... and amends go to my Higher power for not trusting more, and amends to ME for playing the part that I played in my own suffering. my sponsor taught me making amends is more about "amending my own constitution," about changing ME and making ME a humble servant, about relieving me and my guilt, and letting ME off the hook. It felt really good. As you say, it feels freeing to move on.
I filed for divorce twice. I withdrew it the first time because I realized I needed to work more on myself. The second time I filed, I was very calm, very accepting. It was still sad, it was not at all what I wanted. Rather, I was just accepting reality as it was. My serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance, that is for sure.
I'm so glad we walk this journey together, I can't do it alone. All the best (((my friend)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 2nd of August 2012 04:58:40 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I have been offered a job in another state. I am in the process of moving. I have been here 24 years and raised my sons here. My AHsober moved out seven years ago after 30 years of marriage. He demanded a divorce but never filed. We tried counseling but the end result was that he said he wanted out, he never loved me, and doesn't want to be married. Devastating for me. I don't see a possibility of leaving as friends. I am bitter.
I have piled the program on me. I go to meetings, read the literature, call my sponsor, and try to help others. When he first moved out seven years ago, I found this site. The experience, strength, and hope saved me many, many times. In recovery, I have found the inner peace that I had longed for. I know I am a better person. The amends that I would make to my AHSober would be that I didn't allow him to have his disease. I have been a co-addict. I tried so hard to make him be the person that I wanted him to be.
I know that this is a healthy decision for me. The dysfunction of where I worked is coming to light (my AHSober and I worked for the same company). It is a bit scarey but it is also very freeing to move on. Thank you, thank you, for all your support. "Let the understanding love and peace of the program grow in all of us one day at a time".
Best of luck to you. It's been a long haul. Wishin you happiness in your new life and home ((((((Nancy))))))! Keep us updated! Keep coming home to MIP. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Congrats on the new job!!! I so understand when you talk about not able to leave with being friends and really I find that to be an ok place. Just a different place of healing at this point and if that's what you need then it's what you need, I leave myself open to feeling differently at some point .. just not today. You may change your mind at some point as well. Please post an update at some point before, during or after your move!! So very exciting!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
