The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have ya Ever just had one of those Weeks were Speaking always turns to Tears, and for a Reason you havne't yet found or Pin pointed...
That is My Week, I am in Constant Disaray... Went to a Meeting Last Night in HOPES of Finding the Root of My Emotions and Only Came Home more Bummed then when I Left... There is So Many things going on in my Life Currently, and 98% of them I am "Powerless" over, and Yet I Still have the Anxity of them, the worry, (Which I Know does no Good) yet still it remains...
This Disease has more Power of Me then I'm Willing to admit most days, and it seems my emotions have taking over here of late, and have Left me Empty and without Peace or Serenity... My Last Post was about Loosing my Spirit, and i have Yet to find away to bring it back around...
I haven't really been sittin in any kind of Pity Party, I Pretty Much Hold & shuv it all down... I actually feel better when someone comes to me with "Their" Problems because I can be Supporting and Loving to them, but to myself it seems I don't have that same tool... Funny how that works I Suppose...
I have a Hand Full of Truly Amazing People, and they have been there for me as Best they could when I drop the wall I Surround myself in... I Often Wonder if the Wall I Plant is for Protection, or me Just being Selfish in I Fear what they may think if they seen or Knew the Real Me, (the Unstrong one) the One that Hurts, and Feels Pain Often...
Funny how a Friend Last night at the meeting was telling me after how "I" Was the Strongest lady they knew... Funny I Don't see it that way... And this week, I Fear My Weakness is Surfacing more & more... I believe I have Come to conclusion that "I" CAN'T do it ALL... And I HATE IT! I have had to ask for Favors, and that is NOT who I am... I Take care of My own, and Usually Yours if Ask...I have had to Open up to people I Never thought in a Million years would "Get me" and One is Not in Program but has truly been a Blessing in my Life this last Year & half... She always Finds a Way to Lift my spirits, and Show me my Worth thru her Eyes & Support, I just wish she lived closer & our Relationship wasn't via "text" messages... but I Will take what I Can get at this point...
I do not like feeling this Valnurable, I Don't like feeling like at Any moment I Could Bust into tears, for no reason.. At least Not any ONE Reason I know of... I know the Support I NEED Sits in this Program, My Problem is... How do I Ask for Something, when I Really don't know what it is that I Need! I've Been Praying this little Prayer All day & I Hope it soon Grabs Hold... "Dear God, Give me the Faith to Face Each Hour/Minute throughout the Day & Not Worry Over things I Can't Change in Any-Way!"
I Feel as tho I NEED More Wisdom, More ESH, More Experience in the "Needs" department, Just Unsure how to get there!
BIG BIG hugs and yes I can soooo relate to what you are talking about!!! Don't throw a shoe, .. however I will say sometimes those moments where I feel the most like what you are describing there is something in HALT I'm not doing .. and usually it's HHALT (hormonal, hungry, angry, lonely tired) and if it actually is hormonal. I have to just let it be. I can't do anything about it really. I can pay better attention to the rest of the HALT. Usually I'm not caring for myself on some level. I need to really focus on those basic needs and what I can do about those. I've gone to meetings where I can't tell you why I'm crying and I just cry. I know for me the grief of this last year hits in waves and I'm especially vurnerable during those times of the hormonal swings. Grieving isn't a one shot deal and it takes time. You my friend have had a lot of loss in the past few months. Most of all I'm just really trying to focus on allowing it to be ok that I'm not ok. I don't have to be the strongest person in the room because I rarely see myself that way anyway. I can be the best that I can be in that moment and even if it's not perfect it's ok. It's life .. it's messy, unpredictable, frustrating, beautiful, joyful, sad and all of that rolled into one. Rarely is life perfect .. we weren't created that way. Think about that one .. LOL :)
So please be gentle to my friend Jozie, .. she needs some nice self talk today. She needs to hear that she's going to be ok no matter what and it's ok to not be ok. It's a feeling and feelings pass, .. sometimes like kidney stones .. they do pass :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I relate to this sooo well, and looking back, I remember the suggestion to let it be a time to practice humility, to just stay quiet with Higher power and not try to "do" too much, be very gentle and still as you observe yourself as you are. you are okay, totally okay as you are.
In my experience, Higher power keeps inviting us to a deeper level. just trying to pull you closer, sweetie, and loving ourselves as-is is all part of it (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 2nd of August 2012 05:11:46 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Sis...been there and done that several times. The first time the car radio went off just as I was diving into a struggle....beeeeeep beeeeeeep beeeeeep..."This is a test...this is only a test". Okay I got it and continued on with my program. You got the stuff to be tested. Take your time theres no time limit on this one. (((((hugs)))))
