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I keep going back to the same thoughts. How do I help the kids?
There are so many things that I want to change... I know I need to take baby steps.
My daughter has really bad eating habits. AH always folded and gave her the foods she wanted and I did too, so that my AH would not get irritated by her whining. She sleeps with me at night now, takes almost an hour to get her to sleep (after the hour bedtime routine) I dont mind the bedtime routine, actually, I kinda like it now that my AH is not around. It is our special time together! But sometimes I wish I had that time to spend with my son...
We never had family dinners together so that is my first goal. We eat at the table with no electronics as a family 3 - 5 days a week. So far this, I have gotten 1 day. Seems like there is never enough time in the day! I make different meals for my daughter than I do for me and my son. Its so hard to get her to even TRY new things. I mean anything new (even CANDY?) She just will not put it in her mouth!
The past month or so since we got back from vacation she has been easily angered. Anytime I say "no" or "not right now, please give me a few minutes to finish something" she gets upset and angry with me. I heard from her little lips "I hate you mommy, you are a bad mommy" She doesnt say much about daddy, just that she misses him. She will not talk to him on the phone...refuses and if I try she screams and runs to her room and slams the door... She is 5 1/2 years old and still cries and screams to try to get her way. I am working on this.
I have really been working on myself. Reading everything I can get my hands on. Problem is I cannot find much on how to help the kids with their feelings when they dont want to talk about it. I dont blame them, I blame me for showing them how to walk on eggshells and not talk about how we are feeling. I taught them to just be quiet and walk away...that their feelings were to be put on hold so that my AH didnt get upset and rage. I am working on forgiving myself and am dealing with the guilt of sticking around so long that my son would rather die than live in our house. I know that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I know better now and all I can do is keep working on myself and being there for them.
I also wonder,did I wait too long? Has the damage already been done in regards to the kids? Will they need to work as hard as I am to gain that self esteem and respect for themselves? I grew up with my mother who was bipolar...my father is an alcoholic but I never lived with him. My parents divorced when I was two. I dont remember much, just that my mother was crazy. I know she did the best she could at the time. I know she never intentionally tried to hurt us emotionally, but it happened...alot. I forgave her. It took a LONG TIME to forgive her. Maybe because I never saw her get treatment? How long will it take for my kids to forgive me?
I know having my AH miles away is better for me and my son...but it is better for my daughter? She misses her daddy...and she seems so angry at me and she cannot articulate why she is so upset. Would my childhood been better having my father in it even though he is an alcoholic, or was it best that he wasnt heavily involved?
Our daughter has just come back home for a few months while she saves to go and do a masters, she is so angry and unaproachable, her and her dad clash something terrible, they provoke one another I used to get involved and try to keep the peace and now I look at it like this, I have had to learn to cope with my choices and I still have choices, I think my daughter behaves alot like she saw me do, I undersand that now I think, I do feel her pain and see that her dad should be the parent and not act so childishly and at the moment I have just witnessed this, just this morning I have had a quiet word with her, I said I think you may be depressed, she said maybe, I really believe this not knowing you don't know stage is where the problem lies, when I think back to my worse times I had no clue why I felt the way I felt or did the things I did, so I am sorry I digress but No I believe it is never too late, when I look at myself and the misery I felt for so long I never thought it possible that I could enjoy life and be thankful for everything that has happened to make me who I am now, we have a gift of knowledge to make things better, it's not easy but your doing a great job seems to me your doing things just right, they say we always hurt the ones we love, as for your father we can only work with what was, not how we would have it be, parenting is a hard job and it is a good life if we don't weaken, yours in support.
My experience is that little kids (under ten or so) don't know enough to talk about their feelings directly. They just don't understand how they feel and how to talk about it. I think probably a calm household and a calm mom will be the best thing for them. Then you can model how to deal with upsets, and explain things at their level.
Reducing the level of chaos in a typical alcoholic household has got to be a good thing.
My son was having trouble with electronics. They're like crack to kids. I gradually reduced the kid electronics in our household to none. We don't have a TV, don't have video games, no computer for him. At first he didn't know what to do with himself. Now he draws, makes things, and so on. He is much, much calmer. I do know some parents who cave as soon as the child starts screaming about having his things taken away -- the "Change back!" reaction. My son didn't do any of the screaming, maybe because I approached it with an explanation. He certainly gets enough of it at other kids' houses, where as far as I can tell, the kids are on electronic devices 100%, all through dinner and late into the night. So it's not as if they never get a look at them.
But you know what's best for your family. There is absolutely hope for your kids. They're in a time of transition, as you all are. And kids are resilient (as are we). Keep on taking good care of yourself.
It's so hard to know what to do when it comes to kids....even in the """"perfect"""" household. My first thought when I read your post is that if you are changing yourself, your kids can "feel" the changes. They are very intuitive, even though they may not understand what is going on they know something is going on.
Like us...they fear the unknown and don't know what to do with what they are feeling, surely they can't verbalize it, especially at 5-1/2 and 13 years old.
Be consistant, trust your instincts, be patient and open with them..... whatever will be will be, thats all you can do, it's in God's hands.
A separation or divorce would be upsetting for her no matter if her dad is an alcoholic or not. You are just trying to do what's right by you and your kids. Every time your daughter has a problem does not mean you made the wrong decision. Kids that young "act out" all their emotions and are generally not capable of insightful conversations about feelings. They will let out feelings through play often times and that is why therapists engage in play therapy.
You stated that your AH was the one to make her so she doesn't eat other foods...but you continue to cook special meals for her. Also you are letting her sleep in the bed for her well past the age that is normal for a 5 year old. You are going to get screaming and tantrums no matter what. She is 5 - that is part of being a 5 year old. Saying "I hate you!" at 5 is also not that unusual. For much the same reason you have to set boundaries and stick to them for an alcholic. You have to do it with a child. Also, the same way that an A will make you feel guilty for asserting what is right - Try not to let your child do that. Bending boundaries, giving in, doing things "her way" is going to keep her acting younger and tantrumming more. Separating from you and dealing with disappointment are things she has to learn to progress in life.
I hope this isn't coming out like total therapy advice, but I don't know how else to phrase it. I felt like I had something to offer from dealing with countless tantrumming 5 year old and loving well meaning moms that just were not sure what to do.
Also - I would add that I deal with foster kids and their level of resilience is staggering at times. Some act like just regular average kids when both parents may be dead and/or they have endured incredible abuse or neglect - others are traumatized and have serious problems. It's hard to predict. It's best to think of the potential that is there in children rather than the damage. It doesn't even help us adults to view ourselves as damaged goods.
**Lots of this is also just my opinion so take what makes sense please and leave the rest. I do empathize for you and I know single parenting is HARD!!!!
I have the similar experience with my son, with my daughter being older she is more able to express herself as far as what she is feeling. My son is 8 and what I have done for him is I try and help him identify what he is feeling. He tends to get frustrated and the first thing he will do when he is frustrated is hit. I'm also a big one on personal responsibilty stuff. So I have heard .. you make me angry. No honey, you feel angry, I understand you are frustrated and angry right now what are better ways you can cope with that feeling. He is the one who has the issues with expressing himself. We also work with that chart that has all of the emotions on it. How are you feeling right now kind of questions. I did this more religiously with my daughter. Believe me I got years ago that I didn't know what I was feeling I wanted to try and created an enviornment that my daughter could at least know what she was feeling.
We also deal with the tantrums as I observe my son I am noticing more that the tantrums stem from fear on some level, which the tantrum becomes all about controlling something about the situation that is going on. So I have made a mental note to make sure I am giving him more say on specific things. I mean sometimes a no is a no however sometimes no is the easiest answer I've got. Children need to respect boundaries as well as learn their own limits. I think I can give a little in looking at my motives for the word no. I am a big one on the whole issue of coping and personal responsibility. The biggest thing I work on with both of the kids is consistancy .. meaning once I set a boundary/limit in place I don't wobble on it. That means .. it's not no this hour and yes the next that is a confusing message to send and that's where the tantrums will get more intense with any child. Be forewarned too that as you place limits and change the rules children especially young ones are going to really test what is going on.
Food picking .. LOL .. both of my children know when they are at home what is fixed is what is eaten. I certainly don't go out of my way to fix stuff they hate .. however my son is the biggest food picker .. drives me crazy. One min he will like something and the next he will hate it .. he makes no bones about it either. There is nothing like being at grandma's house having my son say .. I am not going to eat this .. YUCK! I'm going really? It's hot dogs!! I'm not a short order cook and sometimes it's all we have so guess what .. it means either eat it or go hungry. No snacking after a meal if the meal isn't eaten. Again .. we aren't talking about monkey brains here.
Going home and getting into a routine because of school is so not going to be fun .. LOL! The kids have been up until 11pm they go to their dads and I'm lucky if they go to sleep before 2am .. so it's like ugh .. it's going to be fun trying to get some things in place.
Consistancy is key in all things. Everyone likes routine, everyone likes to know the chaos is limited or eliminated. The other things like dinner together and so on are going to work themselves out. It's just like you said baby steps because change is hard on everyone .. even the chaos you know is better than the chaos you don't.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I believe it is never too late. I decided awhile back my little one was getting away with a lot because of my guilt and it wasn't helping anyone out. I have worked into her talking to me thorugh her whining and when she has a break down I ask her to go lkay on her bed until she feels like telling me nicely what she is feeling. My 4 year old yells she hates me almost daily and when she cools down I ask her to say sorry and give me a kiss. Our bedtime routine is bath, books, bed and it does take a long while, we start around 8:30 and I turn out the reading light around 10 p.m. trying to get it out by 9:30. I had to learn that her turbulent mood swings are probably normal and some of them may be because she has to transition from my house to her dads every other weekend and it's a lot for her little mind. I have gotten more patient, but more strict in my routine. I go sit by my 14 year old in her room after the little one is sleeping and get a hug and kiss and ask her how her day was and sometimes she will give me a conversation and most nights not. I tell her I love her and give more affection than ever, I know it is good for us all. I ask for what I want from them and wait for them to comply with eating a healthy dinner with me at the table, to doing little chores. I am not overly forceful, but just ask and let things work themselves out. I am trying really hard not to take any of it personally and things seem to be flowing okay now. Change takes time and there have been lots of transition for us all dealing with an A. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
First of all, lots of ((hugs)) to you. What you are going through is very difficult for all.
My daughter was 7 when I divorced her dad. He was not the A in my life, my current husband is. I feel very guilty at times. Like I didn't give her enough time to mourn the divorce before we were right back in another tough situation. Not only was she having to (and still is) the thought of mommy and daddy not together anymore, she has witnessed a whole lot more than any child should in regards to alcoholism. To top it off, she's bipolar and has more than the "normal" trouble of a child expressing feelings. I started having a counselor meeting with her once a week and it did wonders. It was explained that the anger and animosity towards me was her way of getting out the feelings to someone who is "safe". In other words she knows I'm not going anywhere, not going to leave like her Dad did, so she takes out the frustration on me. She also had my daughter doing a whole lot of practices of "why are you mad? Are you mad at mom or are you mad at the situation?, etc"
As far as the eating goes, you have to find what works for you. You can approach it with the "eat it or starve" mentality or just continue to introduce new things and eventually she'll try it. I think consistency with whatever you choose is the key.
Up until she was 7 my daughter slept with me. Her dad traveled a lot and it worked for us at the time. When I got divorced and we moved, it took some time, but a strong routine at bedtime.... tucking her in, rubbing her back, staying with her and also continually sending her back to her own room broke the pattern.
It DOES get better.
Keep coming back! :)
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
Limits, boundaries - the boundary books I can't recommend them enough when it comes to kids. Often parents are aware of the affect divorce has on the kids and they may not admit out loud they are compensating, but how can we not? It's been over 5 years now so we are much more settled but i sure remember the chaotic thoughts in my head. "I can parent how I want now" meant a whole lot of things.
Kids feel secure most when they know what to expect. Basic rules regarding respect (includes voice/touch/emotions), basic routine is crucial (make sure they know where they are going to be at all times and have a lot of warning for every change that occurs, limit or eliminate last minute custody changes at least the first few years). If they know what mom expects and that mom will stick to it, that the consequences are fair, and how the routine of each day will look it makes it a LOT easier to function in that environment.
My youngest was 3 when we divorced. He is just NOW processing the feelings verbally. It's a little weird and disjointed for me but I'm fine with it. Seems he needed to be near 9 to be able to voice his displeasure at living in a divorced environment! My middle son was very hurt by it and still acts out BUT it's not ok. He's not helping himself by misbehaving because of his feelings/emotions. He does talk to a professional and he and I talk a lot. His reactions now are bad habits that formed prior to the divorce and got worse after and now he's just "stuck" there. I keep consistent, it has little effect EXCEPT that he knows what to expect and accepts the consequences when they come. My oldest did the most talking early on and for the most part it pretty much "over it".
It's never too late but what fuels some of our misguided intentions is guilt. That's what I recommend you tap into. That guilt monster grabs a hold of us and makes us lose our common sense for the purpose of "feeling good". That monster for me was huge, I still tackle it but he's really small now.
Hug them a lot. Spend time with them a lot but be OK with whatever limits you want. And be OK with their poor reaction to it - it won't hurt them to be sad/angry/upset because they don't get the dinner they wanted or have to sleep in their own bed. Conversely, if YOU are ok with doing those things for your kids, then don't let anyone tell you it's critical to do differently. I assure you when your kids reach 13ish, they will want anything BUT sleeping in your bed!! And when they start wanting to sleep at other kids houses, they find out they will need a bigger food range :) Life has a way of moving forward despite anything else.
(((dragonflys))) I don't have kids so I have no specific ESH to offer you. But you have received some good ESH here from others. Add to that my prayers and best wishes for you and your children. I think you're on the right track, although it may take some work I believe you and your children will eventually be OK. They are lucky to have a Mom who cares so much about them and has thier best interests at heart.
