The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABF is out of rehab and sober, I believe for 23 days now...but still struggling with withdrawal, and emotions coming up. I still don't fully understand how that must feel. But there is definetly a lot of distress and confusion and fear. On my side too, because I could only see him once since he is out. He is still blaming all this on me, if it wasn't for me he would have a 'normal' life now....blabla... He went in for the love for me, and comes out with the hate for me. He says he feels like trhrowing up everytime he talks to me, that I have hurt him so much, so many times, that he can't feel normal anymore. He now says that nothing is possible between him and me anymore, he can't see it. Neither can I, forced to let go, even though I loved that person for who he was. But he has a hard time believing me, seeing me, for him I'm the wall where he can put all his frustrations on, even if I walk out now and let go for myslef, he will always still use me as the negative unhealthy factor in all this. He says I'm 'xxxx' up in my head because of my deep emotions, although he used to love that we could talk freely about most things.Now he is just scared of me, and wishes me dead or something. He says we don't laugh anymore, whereas it's him that wants to drown in self-pity all the time. He associates me with his craving he has for alcohol nowadyas. Of course he feels bad because he didn't have any, but instead of acknowledging that for 6 years addiction has the hand over his life, he prefers to associate all that frustration with my presence, although we only know eachother for half a year.he says since I came into his life all goes messy. because since I'm in his life he had to live some intimacy and some 24 hour days with another person, and lying was not an option anymore. He had to kind of face it. He can't even see where he hurt me in all this. I am glad I talked to him today though, because for him once again, it was enough just running away without saying a word, and I didn't understand what was going on. All this alcohol insanity is scary and new to me. So now, after talking reading sharing, i know more , bit by bit...and it keeps me in the 'real'. I talked to him, to hear once more that he is still not facing reality. his confusion is his, my confusion is mine. ANd this person will not be the person where I can rest my tired head on if I really need it, I got that today. letting go...and letting you all in , in Al-Anon. Thank you so much, glad to be here, with 2 feet now.still a lot of work and healing ahead...i get that, but I'm not alone. and I promise to be less self-destructive in the future (to myself)...
I'm only human.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 31st of July 2012 01:00:00 PM
Thanks for sharing your awareness and acceptance tortuga.
I often found when I moved straight from awareness to action, I was more prone to force solutions to fix whatever I perceived was wrong, rather than allowing the awareness settle into acceptance. When I spent a good deal of time learning to accept, I was more prone to listen to the quiet and comforting voice of my Higher Power. Actions I took once I understood my HP's will for me, often led to a feeling of peace and serenity. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. So simple, but it also took me a long time to realize how important they were.
I wish your ABF the chance of real recovery from his addiction. I wish of your that the power of the program keeps you moving in the direction your HP wants you to.
I love that you said you are all in with 2 feet now! Keep working this program and wonderfull things will slip in just when you need them. I am sorry he is bkaming you for alkl is stuff, but dettach, because it is not yours to deal with. I hope you can find a sponsor too, that was my saving grace after finding a home meeting and MIP. I am sending you so much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I will never forget my first face to face Alanon meeting. It was a huge meeting . Everyone was sharing and this one woman spoke and said " An alcoholic is like a one arm bandit, you keep putting in and what you get back in the end is nothing." I didnt want to hear that, because of course my relationship with my A was different.
One trait that is quite apparent with the A is the immaturity at which they face their life. If they are hurting it must be somebody elses fault. The world is always picking on the poor alcoholic.
Our state of life depends on how we react to all the rhetoric. We musten believe or accept the responsibility for their disease. We must follow our own path , even when living in the midst of all the craziness. Keep living the program. Alanon is like a ship to cross the sea of despair and will bring you to new horizons. Trust that.
I Can NOW in my Life see both Sides of the Spectrum in this Disease, becasue Not only was I Raised by a "Pack" of Alcoholics, I AM an Alcoholic... I Quit Oct of 2010... And when I Quit I didn't go to rehab, I Accually Quit while being a Member of AL-Anon... I had Moments of Self Pity, and It Wasn't my Fault, but thank goodness i Had a GREAT support system, and I Now OWN My Alcoholism... It was My Choice, and My Doing... And Untill he Gets to "That" place he May Never Find Sobrity... But that is Not Your Fault No How... If I would have been told to quit to Love or ANything Else, I would not have came this far... I HAD to QUIT for ME! And Know other....
BUT... I did Find, that with the Support of MIP & My Face to Face Family, I Was Willing & ABLE... I Hope that you Continue to Keep Both Feet Planted safely inside the walls of Al-Anon, because you will find a Wonderful Support group no matter where this World Takes your Next Chapter... And If there is a FACE To FACE meeting Near you I hope you are Enjoying the Company of that support as well...
It is a simple program for a very complex mind. It's interesting where all of a sudden it's the fault of the physically sober person as I find more and more I'm an emotional drunk. I'm hearing now how this had to happen. I'm thinking yes it did his reasoning is completely different than mine of course. The 3c's have been a God send for me. Thank you for your share it reminds me how sick the a is and how far I have to go in my own healing!! Hugs p ;)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yep, even in so-called recovery, his behaviors are a great example that we can't take on this stuff alone.... Now is the perfect time for you to dive head-first into YOUR recovery - Al-Anon meetings, reading books, posting here, etc., etc.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
((((Tortuga)))) good going girl...right on. You're growing early and that is goooood. Along in my own recovery I learned that his behavior is called transference...he is transfering all of his negative self feelings and thought over on you...He's gotta to that because feeling those feelings and thinking those thoughts without the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality is a horror film; a night mare. You're the only available target that is safe to shoot at. When that was happening in my own recovery program I learned how to simply say one of several things, "That's not true", "Maybe you're right...I'll look into that", "You're talking about someone else and you should invetigate the real person you need to blame", "You really think I'm that powerful?...I don't". Those responses helped me not accept her irresponsibility which is what I did before I learned not to...that was part of the foundation of my "enabling" behaviors and beliefs.
Stay with letting go and letting God...it works when you work it everytime. ((((hugs))))
