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I am new to all of this, but I really need someone to listen and maybe guide me in the right direction. My stepdad has been in my life since I was two years old. He was what I would call a functioning alcoholic for most of my childhood. He was the CFO of two major businesses and always in charge. In the last 10 years he has gotten much worse. He is now really really going downhill fast, but the complicating issue is my mother. My mother has progressive MS or Multiple Sclerosis. She has severe cognitive dysfunction and limited ability to move. She needs constant supervision. My dad supposedly retired 6 months ago to care for her full-time, but I think he may have been let go. That's when things got really bad. He had a DUI in December. She has a caregiver 3 days a week about 6-8 hours a day another two days a week for a little bit each day. He has no help rather frequently. About a week ago he fell out of a chair and busted his head open. She called 911 and me. They took him to the hospital because he was so incoherant. A friend of his picked him and drove them both home. His blood alcohol level was .37. The next morning he was still drunk and very flippant that this is just him and how he is and that's all. A few days later, my mom fell and had to get 8 stitches in her head. This is by no means the first time she has fallen. He wasn't watching her at the time. The neighbor called me and told me that at least twice during this same week she has been outside calling help me help me, I'm hungry in the evenings. One time he was passed out on the floor and another he was upstairs sleeping? passed out? At that point he came downstairs apparently and fed her. The problem is that I am concerned for her safety. I don't really know what to do. I have put some plans into action. I am trying to find a more permanent caregiver for her and find them assisted living, too. He is resistent to change (not shocking) and he loves to use emotional blackmail on me and everyone of their friends trying to help. He is her financial provider so I am really in a hard place. I can't afford to petition for guardianship and guarantorship and he has all the control. It costs 30,000 dollars. He barely eats, he's had the hiccups recently for three days straight, drinks all day long, sleeps when he isn't drinking, and talks about killing himself. I need to be concerned for her first and than him because I need him to pay for things. She has no one, but me to help except for him. I live far away. They live in Atlanta and I in California.
I don't have many ideas Holly. This sound like you're between a rock and a hard place and it might be that the courts would have to get involved because there is neglect, incompetency and serious drugging issues. Alcohol is a drug...he is self drugging and overdosing. A BAL of .37 is late stage alcoholism he is not self caring and therefore cannot care for anyone else. Doctors who have been involved including public servants who have been involved could help with evidence to family court. She should be attended by someone else and he should be in long term treatment too. That is my ESH. I've been around alcoholism all my life and have worked in the field of recovery including spousal abuse. Still comes up to only my 2 cents. Others will be come up with their ESH...stay around. Sorry with you that this is happening. ((((hugs))))
Sorry you are having to go through this with your parents! I can't even imagine how hard this is.. I would recommend calling a local nursing home or assisted living facility, ask to speak to the social worker and see if they can help or at least point you in the right direction. If you call one and they can't help, call another one in your area... someone will know how to help you. There is help out there for situations such as this when the elderly or disabled are being neglected and/or abused. I hope that helps.
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
There are no perfect answers here, only choices and options for you to try. You're an incredible and loving daughter to be taking this on.
I understand that your mother is your highest priority. I like the avenue of getting more in-home care. A word that came to mind was hospice. Can you access more care if you seek hospice care for your mother and/or your father? Your father's condition sounds like late stage alcoholism and I did not realize when my AH was in late stage, I could have gotten him in-home hospice care since he had a life threatening condition. It may be worth exploring.
I am so sorry to hear this. I agree that a local social worker would know more options. Perhaps the caregiver she does have knows how people cope with this? It sounds clear to me that she needs round-the-clock professional supervision (given that he is chronically unreliable), removed from him -- at this point he's not just unhelpful, he's a liability. The question is: what resources would there be if he died or did not exist? Because that's more or less the situation you have. Of course the finances are a problem and detaching her from him is a problem if he wants to keep control. However, it sounds as if he does not have himself together enough to offer effective opposition. If they are at all elderly, you could try the government-sponsored Eldercare Locator (http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx). There are many agencies that can coordinate geriatric care (which I imagine would also apply to handicapped people) on behalf of relatives who live at a distance. I also know a good geriatric-care attorney in the Bay Area of California who might be able to take on a case like this -- send me a Private Message if that is of interest.
Have you spoken to her doctor? There are programs like In Home Supportive services which are government based which organize someone to go in daily. The basis for this is a payment that is out of the person's hands. It is all paid for by the state.
Elder neglect is a big issue. There are reporting mechanisms for someone who is not able to take care of themselves. We don't live in times where that is all covered up anymore.
Of course reporting means that it will all be out in the open. I can imagine you are at your wit's end about this. There are organizations (non profits) that specialize in elder neglect issues. There have to be some in the local vicinity your mother is in. Since you have records now of considerable neglect it should not be too hard to get them involved.
I don't know of your mother's particulars but if she doesn't have an income from him she would certainly qualify for something like Supplementary Social Security.
If your Mother was hospitalized they will also have a social worker at the hospital who is acquainted with these issues. I can't imagine how and why they let her go home when it was clear she had been neglected.
I do hope you will reach out and ask for support emotionally around this because this is a heavy burden to carry. My own mother was confused, belligerent and very difficult to take care of. It seemed like an uphill battle to organize care for her but some was organized, meals on wheels, a caregiver who went in and took care of things.
For someone who needs to be watched all the time that is a huge burden for any family let alone an alcoholic one. I can imagine your rage at your step father but it seems like he has his own terminal disease.
I am so glad you are reaching out and taking care of yourself. I hope you will be able to sort out options, responsibilities and care for yourself. My own tendency is to get overwhelmed and I have to work on self care all the time.
Thank you everyone for your advice. I have taken the opportunity to find an organization that helps find assited living care for people. I am working on that. My mom's caregiver has resigned and she is hopefully finding her replacement right now. This person she has found would hopefully be there 7 days a week for 8 hours a day. Last week when I was really enraged I called social services. They went there yesterday to assess. She told him he has to make progress towards finding a center for her. He wants to get in more full-time care in the house until he sells the house, I am trying to force him to visit assisted living facilities. I think the social worker would be okay with there being more full-time care in the house when she returns next week to assess. He is aware of the problem, but keeping him on task to do it is nearly impossible. He is so disorganized and confused.
Of course he was very angry about the social worker. He called his brother, a lawyer, to find out if he could legally get her off his back. He accused me and my mom's caregiver of calling. We both denied it. He made Chrissy, the caregiver, cry. I convinced him that it was probably the hospital. My husband thinks I should stop talking to him if its not on my terms because he emotionally abuses me so much. He called me fat one minute and than the next he told me he is so sorry to be putting me through this. He said yesterday that when he returns to get my mom's stitches out, he is going to make inquiries. I said that they won't answer him if he does. They'll deny it or not say anything. I feel guility about calling, but everyone says I did the right thing. I denied it to his brother, too, who thinks this is not as serious as it actually is. I think he may be on my dad's side in this, but I am not sure. My dad's other friend is being very helpful. So that's a god-sent.
I am going to go to therapy and to al-anon meetings to help me. You see I am very very upset about this and I am 7 months pregnant, have a toddler already. My husband is very worried about me and our unborn daughter. I feel like crying all the time.
