I haven't posted in a while but have been reading. I'm having a tough time. Almost a year ago my life was spinning out of control. AH was on the descent, and long story short, almost gave himself alcohol poisoning, went crazy, got fired from his job, and finally checked into 3 wk rehab. Fast forward a year, he's been sober 11 months, working a good AA program, still unemployed and still/will always be an A - although I hope a sober one.

We got legally separated last year but our marriage has been in limbo. He sees me and our son every weekend. Resentments lurk but I appreciate the growth and progress he's made and commitment to his sobriety. I know that I don't have the strength to go through a relapse, and a condition for me being with him at all is sobriety. The separation has afforded me the distance I needed to take care of myself and my son without looking over his shoulder. At the same time, I sometimes wish I could make a hard decision, but I am having trouble with it.

Here's the deal; my family, who never approved of him (even before he showed signs of being an A), have been campaigning for me to finalize the divorce. It is constant, unending, and now that nearly a year has passed, they are pushing me to try to date again. Granted, being married to an A has put me in a horrible situation. I almost emotionally collapsed last year but held it togehter for my son. Financially I am supporting myself and my son, since A doesn't work. My parents and sister want me to get past AH. I don't know that I can yet. With almost a year sobriety I'm starting to see some of the old H back. 

A part of me hates being wishy washy. Wishes I could either divorce him finally, or stand up and make the decision that I am willing to see what happens a little longer. Then another part of me is scared - that little voice in my head is saying "is my family right?" Will I realize down the road they were right all the time?

Since we have a young son, things are more complicated. He deserves to be in his life and my family acknowledges his right to see him, but  say that if I allow him too much influence, our son will grow up to be like him (they know I am somewhat paranoid about that). They are even saying that the fact that our son is mildly speech delayed is because his father is an idiot. 

What hurts the most and makes it so hard is that it isn't cut and dry. Part of me believes them. Part of me loves him still. I just don't know how I would "move on." I don't have that sense of finality. If he was to relapse,  I would, but he is so far doing well. How would I even "date" and keep the situation as is? He comes to see us on weekends. What would I do? Tell him to leave after an hour?

My sister is now asking me to give her my photo so she could send it to friends who may be able to "fix me up" on dates. I haven't told her I won't do it, but I haven't sent it to her. I am thinking of sending it to her just to get my family off my back and let the chips fall where they may. I am scared, of my family and of my own judgment. I love AH and our son loves him. But I'm scared and don't know what to do. 

Hugs, no one else has to live with the consequences of your choices except you. I love the old saying when in doubt don't. Keep coming back. Hugs p ;)