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Having a really hard time today. My husband has been in fine form for the past couple of days. I have not taken him up on the argument for 3 days now but it is so hard to listen to the trash talk about myself and not respond to it. His temper is starting to scare me again and if I defend myself even in the slightest way, he gets loud and intimidating so quickly. I have slept with scissors beside the bed for the past 2 nights. To make matters worse, I have gone to work for an attorney who is not all bad but very much has the attitude of "I'm never wrong". A couple of things have happened this week that I have had to take attitude about that were really her fault but it's a lost cause to even say so. So, I feel like I have done nothing but bite my tongue and swallow my words all week.
I refuse to leave my home again. Last tme I was gone almost a month and he made a mess of the house, barely took care of the animals, was barely working and ended up in the hospital with the worst case of DT's the doctor has ever seen. He went to rehab and seemed to have good intentions but came home earlier than everyone in the family thought he should. He has been trying,more half heartedly than I probably know but I am beginning to think it's hopeless. I told him a couple of weeks ago to just please leave. Go find himself a hut on the beach and drink himself into oblivion but just get out from under our noses with it but he sits here like a bump on a log. I'm so terrible so why is he still here????? SO SICK of this but I don't know where to start and I'm scared to move. Just keep hoping things get better but I honestly feel that I have done all I can do.
HELP!!
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Hugs for ya.... It's rough living with someone that not only drinks poison, but becomes poison due to it. It's like trying to handle a porcupine...it's going to hurt no matter what way you approach it.
Aloha WOMFI...Focus!! Have you gotten to any open face to face Al-Anon meetings? This board can do wonders and meeting with us face to face much more so. Course nothing changes if nothing changes and waiting for the alcoholic/addict to do the changes brought me to the steps of suicide. I had to learn that everything changes when I change...mind, body, spirit and emotions. You're relying on a sick person to make you well and then taking the inventory of the choices and behaviors of a lawyer...the person who pays you...Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature and meetings and sponsor, steps, traditions, slogan and a serious deep look at myself, my choices, my consequences convinced me that the only problem was me and the only solution was HP...I needed that greater force for direction.
If you don't change absolutely nothing outside of you will. Maybe this isn't the support you were looking for...actually neither did I when I first got into Al-Anon and it was all the kind of love and direction I could get by those who knew where I stood and how I got there and how I could get out of it.
As a former alternatives to violence mens' case manager I can say that if you are so afraid of the abuse that you are sleeping with a scissors next to your bed with absolutely no ability to defend yourself while sleeping you need to do something different...quickly...seriously. Call the domestic violence hotline in your area before or after you call the Al-Anon hotline and get something in between you and the threat of violence...quickly or sooner.
You are in my prayer conversation at the moment and my HP needs to have you start on your end first.
Thanks pinkchip! Always like your posts. Thanks Jerry F. Good advice. I have to admit I wasn't impressed with the f2f meetings that I attended and got more out of this board BUT the principles are taking hold through my reading here and I'm in a much different place with my thinking in dealing with an alcoholic so I will give the meetings another try. I am afraid of him. It's not that I think he would do anything premeditated but he seems like someone who could have an uncontollable fit of rage.I have experienced it once in my life and am still traumatized by the memory. I am definitely on guard. Don't know if there is anything I can do (maybe you do??) unless he touches me though and then it may be too late. I am making plans to leave even though I said I wouldn't. I am making plans for family to take my dogs since they require so much care. The cat, birds and fish will be ok in his care. I am either going to stay with my parents again or since I took a vacation week next week, I am considering taking off for the beach ALONE tonight. My 25 year old son suggested it. Had thought we could all go together for a quick trip since time off and fun things seem to be a trigger for recovering (ha!) Alcoholic husband. Going alone sounds nice. Hmmm...considering it ...for me.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Gosh Jerry. I copy so many of your posts into my notes on my phone. Another Gem. Worn out, I feel you. My heart goes out to you because you are dragging yourself through life. You are in an impossible position that nobody, especially HP would expect you to keep existing in. I was the same way until HP helped me walk out. I was so weak I just wanted him to reach down and pluck me out of the situation but of course that didn't happen. I prayed for knowledge of his will and the courage to carry it out. And you know what? At 106 pounds literally dying of stress and heartbroken, I was given the strength to pack up and leave with my young children one morning. 3 months later I'm doing so much better. My life has changed and I like myself. I really laugh. I say funny things. The world is beautiful to me and I am finding that I will be quite a catch for someone some day, even though I was nothing to my AH. I know who I am now. Turn your problems over to your HP. They are too big for you. You are in my prayers.
Dear WornOut..What made me get off dead center was the realization that the idea of living the rest of my life with my ex Husb.was much more scary than leaping into the unkown. I was afraid...but the possiblities of the unknown was much more attractive than the certainties of my life with him. I also wanted to be in control of my own life...I am and I am happy..I wish you well....trust yourself...
I can relate. I was where you are, but with prayer, Alanon, and this board! I was able to make the change that I desired. xxxoo. You need to live the way that is right for you, take care of yourself. Life is too short and you deserve the best it can offer. I felt like I was stuck in the mud and didn't know how to change anything. But, when I surrendered to that disease and took care of myself I was able to do what I needed to do for me. It's still very fresh for me, but I feel at peace.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
