Wow, I can't believe that I've been gone a month.  My AH has made efforts to be nice on the phone but he doesn't contact me at all other than the 1 phone call a day.  He sent flowers and a silly postcard while we were gone.  I think he thinks that all will be well when I get home and that I will forget(or overlook) what is really going on in our home.  I'm afraid to say that that isn't going to happen!

I have done a LOT of thinking this past month and realize now that I must confront him and tell him that I won't live with him if he's going to drink and that his driving on the suspended license causes me serious anxiety and physical symptoms and that we won't be able to rebuild our marriage in any way for the future unless he faces these things.  I am prepared to possibly move out and separate.  Honestly, I was so dang happy being away and just enjoying my life and I had so much joy, I know I won't feel those things being around him day in and day out.  I'm going to miss those feelings and that's probably what's going to drive me to say something to him.  I'm also very aware that he probably won't respond well and I'm prepared for that, too.

He will be getting the ignition interlock in his car this week but he's planning on traveling for work for the next few weeks.  That means more rental car stuff and him showing his fake license(that looks real).  I have a lot of anxiety around this and this is really what drives me crazy.  If I don't live with him, I won't feel anxious because I won't SEE what he's doing.  I'm not good at detaching when the person is right in front of my face, it was very easy to do while on vacation.....almost too easy, honestly.  Obviously, this is something I need to work on.  I believe that I am finally starting to trust God for any outcome in my life and that the fear is lessening when it comes to confronting him.  I am at the point where I feel like I'd rather live in my car than live with him if he's going to continue drinking and living in denial.  I just don't want to live this way anymore and even though I'm not sure divorce is the answer, I want a better marriage and a better home life for my son.  I'm sure God is teaching me many lessons through these hardships and one of them is that I face my fear of confrontation and trust Him for the outcome.  If I keep sweeping stuff under the rug, nothing will change and we all know that nothing chnages if nothing changes.  I am very anxious about going home tomorrow night but I feel so much more confident in knowing that God(my HP) will be with me the whole way.  Thanks for letting me share.