The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's amazing how reading these messages and daily events can dredge up so much crap. I have to admit that I still have sooooo much anger welled up inside me at my A mom. I don't know if it's anger that's burying the hurt or it's just anger. I know what the program says to do with it. I know I should just turn it over and let it go... and there are times that I feel like I have but then it comes raring back. This anger has taken so much from me. I really don't want a relationship with her anymore. I can't have the one that I've longed for with her and no matter how hard I try I don't want this relationship to be on her terms. My entire family has been so codependent and tiptoed around her forever. "don't upset your mother, if mama ain't happy nobody's happy, don't rock the boat" etc etc etc.
So, on many levels I have to just let her go. I have to grieve the mother that I never had. But, you see this is hard sometimes because my spouse has many of the personality traits that she has. No matter how hard I try to separate those and say this is him, it's not her etc I just carry them "together"... does that make sense?
If I were to describe it in a sense of "aura's", they have the same aura aroud them. It's not fair to him, I know because he wasnt the one who ignored me when I was a child, he wasn't the one that didn't make me feel important when I was little, but he carries the torch now. Not consciously, mind you.
That void is something no one can or should fill. I know that. I have to heal that part of me myself but how do I do that when her/his aura is always around? Did my HP have me choose him or allow him to stay in my life for some reason? Is there something I need to do? To face? bleh....
Some psychologists have theories that we tend to be drawn to people who hold the characteristics of all we have not dealt with.
As someone who grew up with a neglectful, very ill mother I can empathize with the anger. I can also understand how triggering it is to be around someone who has similar characteristics.
I know I was always drawn to alcoholic, mentally ill, dysfunctional men. It was like a moth to a flame. I ran into those relationships. I didn't hesitate.
Some people never get to that anger at their parent. My family of origin sentimentalizes their family issues. They make it into some hallmark card. There isn't a scrap of reality in there but thats the way they coped. So in some ways I would say that getting to anger is a very healthy thing. I would also say that there is no timeline on when and where and how you can work through it but it is possible.
Aloha Alexis and thanks for the share...I relate except for how I arrived at ending the toxic relationship. The solutions started in my home group one night where the topic was about letting go of the alcoholic and of course the alcoholic in that meeting was spouse, relative, parent, sibling etc. I had arrived at the awareness that I also was handed the torch of abuse by my mother and other because I had come to believe that they just had to be right about me being less than. So I continued to abuse myself, put myself in situations where I didn't grow and then pick up the torch and light my "poor me, bad me" path. I was abused by my mom as a child and young adult. They even made a picture of it titled "Mommy Dearest".
How it changed for me was when I was willing to do whatever was necessary to end it and at that point with an open mind I heard a home group member share that she had arrived at the awareness that her own mother "had done the very best she could with what she had". I grabbed on to that large piece of "grace giving" and accepted it also. My mom was from a severe alcoholic upbringing also and it drove her and some of her sisters into breakdowns. She didn't have or look for the healing mercy of our program and so she suffered until she passed on however she and I stopped suffering together because of Al-Anon and what I had learned and learned to do. When and before she passed we were in love again...consoling each other like the children of God that we were created to be. Al-Anon gave my mom the son she always wanted and thought she had to beat into submission to get and it gave me the relief that I could let go of completely the fear and anger and resentments I carried during half of my life.
She did the best she could with what she knew how...what a flash of merciful understanding.
Stay with it. I hope you arrive at the freedom you're looking for. (((((hugs)))))
I understand your frustration Amills, hugs. You've gotten some great ESH, what Maresie shared popped out at me. I know that with the help of alanon that my perception of the relationship that I have with my mom has changed a great deal. Yes, she still frustrates the crap out of me, I'm finding more and more that it's less on her and really more about me if that makes any sense. No, I didn't get the parent/s I deserved .. I got the parents as messed up as this will sound .. that I needed to teach me the lessons that I needed and now I have the opportunity to turn it into something more. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It's kind of where I am at with her. At some point i have to deal with my dad .. oh the dang joys of that one.
I'm starting to be able to see how funny she is and truly how much fun she can be, I haven't had that experience for many years. We seem to be more relaxed together. My mom's not an alcoholic however after living with her I should be .. and that is a bad joke however probably a very true statement. :)
Sometimes it's not so easy to look at those situations that hurt us and say .. ok .. they did the best they could because seriously the best really sucked. It's ok to say .. WOW .. that really sucked if that was the best they could because I felt hurt, betrayed, unloved, and less than as a child of (fill in the blank as far as age goes). No .. that is not ok .. and it is ok to feel the anger and process all of that other crap .. which by the way comes in waves, it just so happens the waves get to be less and less intense. They will pass. After all of the years of stuffing everything down it has to come up and it's so not pretty. It's like festering puke, pus combination and getting that out is just going to be ugly and no one likes ugly.
Where things really started changing for me is my perception of who my mom is, again I don't know if that makes any sense or not .. it has taken me a lot of program time almost 2 years into the program and some distance from the situation to start seeing things in a different way. I so encourage you to process all of that past emotion with counseling and the 12 steps it makes a difference in your own healing. Ironically it will help your relationship in the long run on both sides of the eqauation. I would also encourge you to hear what it is to be an addict through open meetings. I think lots of times I have thought that the A gets off scot free and in listening to shares that is not always the case. The other perception that is kind of true is that it's all about them . it's only all about them if we let it be all about them.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
