The material presented
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why is my a b/f keeps teiing me i should have more faith in him he even sent me a poster that said marriege is only a peice of paper that haveing faith and respect etc.in yur partner is most important,lol,am i missing something here ,lol im beginning to feel like he is twisting my brain,or trying,guess he feels like i have no faith in him.....any esh on this is welcome,,,,,thanks for letting me vent this little bit,,,,,hugs ,i love all my alanon freinds here yall have hepled me keep my sight clear....silent
I feel the same 'he's twisting my brain'...or do I willingly let him twist it, so I can feel guilty again, so I am in charge of the responsibility again???? slowly I'm figuring out my own mechanisms, and it's scary, but a relief also (because at last I could identify my disfunction) what I get to hear a lot from my abc ' don't you trust me, don't you think I can do it, do you think i'm wrong, do you think i can't take my own decisions?'...and honestly I never knew what to answer to those questions, because they seem like a trap to me, so , luckily i never answered. I always just say 'This, you have to figure out for yourself, I'm not the one to answer you this'.....maybe what they want is somebody to take the initiative, to give the answer, so that they don't have to take the responsibility for anything , any decision, any step in their life. They are not sure what they are doing, confused, not convinced and look for a mate to be confused with them , but who is ready to take the lead for all that chaos. See, I am apparently liking to be 'over-responsible, even for things that are none of my concern, and his responsibility is simply nonexistent....we are perfect match made in heaven!!...... we got the giving-taking part wrong, completely..... Thanks for 'triggering' that thought in me! hugs
Aloha Silent and Tortuga...only one part of recovery...AA/Al-Anon and such is about self discovery and responsibility. For me it was getting to know myself like those outside of myself who were victims of my behaviors came to know me. The truthful answer to the question "don't you trust me"? was "I trust you for what you have given me, how you have acted in the past without awareness and without recognition for the need to change". "I cannot trust you for something you have been unwilling to see the need for and do". I came into recovery in Al-Anon not knowing about alcoholism and that was what I could honestly be trusted for. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know...I was trusted for that rightfully. Until I self focused on who and what I was and what I was knowing and not knowing and doing and not doing I could only be trusted for what I was at the time. Makes sense huh?
Al-Anon is a "self help" program with the support of others who have my experiences dealing with someone who is alcoholic which is a problem for me. It is considered "social model" recovery because of the shared experiences. We take the focus off of the alcoholic/addict and put it entirely on ourselves. They; by the way get to do the same thing and hopefully if they do it as directed by the steps, traditions, slogans and shared recovery experiences and a power greater than themselves, will also come to understand that they could also only trust themselves for what they knew at the time. They are not magicians or high thinkers...their brains have been destroyed by alcohol and drugs and their habits of behavior are fixed into addictive, predictable patterns. Mine, as a spouse of the alcoholic/addict were also. She was addicted to drugs and alcohol (as I also was with alcohol) I was addicted to her and trying to get her to live life as I perceived she should. Wrong career for me...I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know.
When I didn't know I put the responsibility on her and others to change but remained in the managers chair for their lives. We also seek feedback from others on how we are doing in our efforts to recover and most of the time, or all of the time the feedback should come from a sponsor or others with experiences about coming out of our disease moving toward recovery from it. My alcoholic/addict spouse came to me who knew nothing about the problem and asked me "if I thought she was alcoholic". One of the last things I ever would want to admit to or think about having was an alcoholic wife so I said from my ignorance and ego/pride was "No" and with that answer she left her recovery and went back out for several years and nothing that might have remained to our marriage and family; remained. It was done.
Your boyfriend is trying to maintain control because control or self control is the huge endeavor in this disease. That is about ego and pride and self and yet the first part of the first step says, "We admitted we were powerless..." We have no control and so we need higher powers...others with more experiences, sponsors and a God of our understanding. I had to let go of one of my higher powers...alcoholism and an alcoholic/addict and change to higher powers which could and would help me if I but asked. Did I trust my alcoholic/addict? truthfully no and she was the last person I should say that to if I wanted to keep peace in my life. The best answer, in hindsight was, "That is something for you to talk to your sponsor and group about". Over time we learn, and hopefully we learn to fulfill our own expectations rather than to put the responsibility for that on others especially those who are chemically warped.
The Al-Anon program is such a life saver. My thoughts and suggestion is, "Get in, learn it, walk it".
If you don't want him to twist your brain...don't hand it to him...keep it in it's box.
Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
I told my A son (right in his face) that he has a long way to go to earn back my trust and respect. I will not trust in his words, only his actions. Respect must be earned.
Words are not weapons. These days I have my own mind and someone's words are not doctrine that I have to adhere to. I've been there and done that with people who are very controlling. No is all one has to say but saying No to an alcoholic/addict isn't accepted. I say that as someone who had a very very hard time hearing no in my life too. I ruined many a friendship by not being able to accept it. I fully expect any alcoholic/addict around me to not be too happy that I have my own mind and am no longer a people pleaser. I also expect them to an alcoholic until if and when they get to recovery. How that affects me has a lot of limits these days. At one time it almost destroyed me.
