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I am sitting here reading posts, reading replies on my previous post and my AH is playing video games and drinking beer. I am thinking of going to a meeting tonight, but I am so ANGRY that I am having to do this and he is doing NOTHING! The more he drinks, the louder he gets. He is talking to "friends" on the game he is playing and they are laughing and telling jokes. I am so frustrated. Everything that has to be done, I have done. I take out the garbage, clean up ashes from his cigarettes, take the dog out every time she has to go, do all the dishes and put them away and do the laundry. Someone told me once to just leave the messes so he can see them when he is sober, but that just adds to my stress. I told him I am thinking of going to a meeting tonight and his reply was "ok, good". GRRRR! Why can't he see what this is doing to me? To US??? With every pop of the can, he is throwing our future away. He is laid off from work right now and we moved here to this horrible place miles and miles away from my friends and family just so he could be closer to the union he works in. It was supposed to be a positive thing. Oh, we used to live in a "dry" county, meaning they didn't sell packaged alcohol there. We had to drive at least 40 miles to get it. I thought his drinking was intollerable then when it was 1 to two 30 packs and a 5 liter box of wine a week. Now, in the past 2 weeks that we have been here he has gone through 3 18 packs and 3 30 packs of beer. To top it all off, we live above a really nice older retired couple. The only thing is, they have a fully stocked liquor cabinet. So, he goes down there and hangs out with them so they will offer him shots. What am I supposed to do? I can't very well go tell my new neighbors to keep the liquor away from my AH! OMG! I am devistated. He drinks shortly after getting up in the morning until way up into the night. 2 nights ago he stayed up playing Rock Band on the Xbox and it was a desaster. He was singing loudly and had the tv turned up almost all the way at 3am! I can't deal with the chaos. I just want to sleep all the time. I am greatful that we don't have children because his neglect of our puppy breaks my heart. I could not imagine how lonely and overwhelmed I would feel if I had a child. It doesn't matter, I don't want to give up on my marraige, but I don't want to stay either.
Sorry, I just had to vent somewhere.
Thanks for letting me share.
-- Edited by almostgivenup on Thursday 26th of July 2012 05:21:30 PM
Noticed you were on line and as a women married 13yrs to a functioing alcoholic, I know life can be lonely, frustrating, full of resentments and mixed emotions. I feel for you. Lucky for me my ah does most of his drinking away from home unless its a summer day...then its on our boat in front of our eight y.o and we tolerate it until the end of the day when he then often keeps on drinking w "friends". Hes often out 2_3 times per week till all hours of the night....its damn hard. I found this site a few weeks ago and all I can say is kerp readibg and posting. There is support here. Hang in...live for you. I too clesn up the mess as I cant stand it...if I leave it for him id be crazy. The better way to help yourself may not be to leave the mess...clean up...then go to your rook eith a good book, close the door and try to find some peace. God bless.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Well, I did go to the meeting. I learned that he has a disease, but I still don't quite buy into that. Regardless, I don't think I can live like this. He has drank almost 30 beers today and it is making me physically sick to look at him. I am tired of being alone and depressed. I am once again in the bedroom with the puppy and my computer. This is no way to live. I didn't marry him to be lonely. I think the decision has already been made, I am going home!
Resentment is a tough one. It helped me to conclude that all the things I do around the house (laundry, dishes, etc.) I am doing for ME, not him. I don't want to live in a mess to prove a point to someone who doesn't care. Sounds like those things matter to you (living in a clean environment that is) so maybe it would help you to think of it for yourself and not things you are doing because he won't. One day at a time. Some days are more challening than others, you are not alone, we all get it. Hugs and prayers. sg
I really encourage you to read the STICKY: Why Alcoholism is "categorized/listed" as a disease by AMA (explained). It's at the top of the forum... 3rd item down. It explains why alcoholism is a disease... It's still not an excuse to drink. It's the reason he CAN'T drink... If he continues to drink, it can kill him. Be encouraged my friend. Keep coming back and going to those meetings! The f2f meetings really help me. I can only go every other weekend but when I go the friendship and fellowship is just awesome! It's good to have local support and phone numbers just-in-case I need to call someone. It was good to have a person put their arms around me and give me a good squeeze when all I could do was cry. No one has ever told me what to do... MIP is also a great place. There is a lot of experience and wisdom in here. ((((HUGS))))
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
I often hear people saying they don't want to give up on a marriage when the other person has already busted most of their vows. It sounds more to me that you don't want to give up on what the marriage is supposed to be. If you do go home/leave him - I hope it's not just out of anger but so you can be happy and because you do deserve to be happy.
I think Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Davies is a good resource for the kind of resentment you are dealing with. Detachment is so so hard when we are around an alcoholic.
These days I expect an alcoholic/addict to be an alcoholic/addict. As I don't buy into their denial of course they are furious. I can make choices today I couldn't do in the past.
I ran into marriages relationships like people run out of burning houses with my eyes closed full of fantasy. I know now why any alcoholic/addict pops up into my life there is a reasonf or it and sometimes its to see what I could not see in the past.
Alcoholism is an obsession and that obessions takes over. I used to, like you, take it all very personally feel it was a symbol of my worth and all that. Clearly it isn't because all the men I was involved with were alcoholic before they met me and they were alcoholic afterwards too so what did I have to do with it.
I can well understand the resentment, grief and anger. I also know for me sometimes I have to get to the resentment, grief and anger to make changes in my life.
I sure understand your anger! I often have to remind myself to check my motives. If I am going to meetings and doing work for someone else, then I'm probably going to be upset.
But if I am doing it because I value myself and want to have a better life and take care of myself - then it's much easier to do it and feel good about it. I like what I've read in getting them sober - they put on a pretty good show that they are happy, but I think it's just that, a show. I think the alcholic is plagued with a lot of inner hate and turmoil but is really good at hiding it. Just has been my experience.
You're in a good place, this board has great people on it, great insight and sharing.
Resentment is indeed a horrible feeling, it always ends up hurting me, but sometimes I have to feel it and the grief and guilt to understand what it is that needs to change. I know how co-dependant I am, have spent so much of my life dealing with the problems of others as as a way of denying my own, its the way I was bought up and its been a part of my life for so long. In some ways when my A lived with me it was actually easier, I had somebody to resent and feel angry about, a kind of sick self-gratification! That so often felt easier than actually valuing myself. After some years in this wonderful fellowship I can see this and understand that the only thing I can change is me and my attitude to life and that takes work and effort. Progress not Perfection, sometimes sadly I take a few steps backwards and that just means I am not working my program hard enough.
But we all get days... today is one of those where thoughts from the past are intruding and I feel bitter and resentful. I am still in touch with my A and a phone conversation yesterday has dragged up so many past feelings and I have had a sleepless night questioning my attitudes - of course I am obsessing and 'thinking' to much but as i know, you cannot heal a sick mind with a sick mind. Just perhaps today I am feeling a little lonely and a little bit of self-pity about the past. I think that is mixed up with a fair dose of guilt, after all living with alcoholism certainly made me do things that I now very much regret.
I have prayed this morning - my Step Three Prayer and also asked for forgiveness. I know that much of what I feel today is no longer relevant to my life, that I must continue on a journey that is my HP's will, not mine, that I may not understand where my path takes me, but I must feel these feelings and use them as a constructive guide to action. I hope one day that I become free of feelings of resentment, guilt and anger
that I am having to do this and he is doing NOTHING! The more he drinks, the louder he gets. He is talking to "friends" on the game he is playing and they are laughing and telling jokes. I am so frustrated. Everything that has to be done, I have done. I take out the garbage, clean up ashes from his cigarettes, take the dog out every time she has to go, do all the dishes and put them away and do the laundry. Someone told me once to just leave the messes so he can see them when he is sober, but that just adds to my stress. I told him I am thinking of going to a meeting tonight and his reply was "ok, good". GRRRR! Why can't he see what this is doing to me? To US??? With every pop of the can, he is throwing our future away. He is laid off from work right now and we moved here to this horrible place miles and miles away from my friends and family just so he could be closer to the union he works in. It was supposed to be a positive thing. Oh, we used to live in a "dry" county, meaning they didn't sell packaged alcohol there. We had to drive at least 40 miles to get it. I thought his drinking was intollerable then when it was 1 to two 30 packs and a 5 liter box of wine a week. Now, in the past 2 weeks that we have been here he has gone through 3 18 packs and 3 30 packs of beer. To top it all off, we live above a really nice older retired couple. The only thing is, they have a fully stocked liquor cabinet. So, he goes down there and hangs out with them so they will offer him shots. What am I supposed to do? I can't very well go tell my new neighbors to keep the liquor away from my AH! OMG! I am devistated. He drinks shortly after getting up in the morning until way up into the night. 2 nights ago he stayed up playing Rock Band on the Xbox and it was a desaster. He was singing loudly and had the tv turned up almost all the way at 3am! I can't deal with the chaos. I just want to sleep all the time. I am greatful that we don't have children because his neglect of our puppy breaks my heart. I could not imagine how lonely and overwhelmed I would feel if I had a child. It doesn't matter, I don't want to give up on my marraige, but I don't want to stay either. 