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My AH has been doing pretty good in his recovery, although he refuses to be in a program. Today I suspect he "snuck" a drink and I know I should not waste my energy thinking about it. My question is this, should I just ignore it or make a comment about it? In the past, I have made a quick comment just to let him know that he didn't "get away with anything" and then went to bed so as not to have a fight. I guess I am wondering if he thinks I don't know is he going to drink more? I know I know...it's out of my control, but still I cannot help myself.
We are going on a family vacation next week and I want so badly to tell him that his drinks are not welcome to join us on our trip. It has been 5 years since we have taken our children on a vacation and we really cannot afford it, but it's been a crappy year and I insist on taking them. I really would be just as happy taking them by myself, but he wants to come.
I guess I am just anxious about what's going to happen.
If your AH isn't working a program of recovery and this is my opinion there is no real recovery and it's a matter of time before he drinks. I will duck as you throw that perverbial show I so understand it trust me. As anxious as that can feel the reality I have learned is I can't spend my life waiting for the next shoe to drop. I can't control the when it's going to happen and how it's going to happen, I can only shield myself and the kids to the best of my ability. That means a plan B, .. knowing what I need to do to take care of myself and the kids, while allowing the full consequences to hit my stbax.
I tend to go with the I know what I know, part of the disease is that it lies .. it lies to everyone it doesn't matter the relationship or the person. The disease wants what it wants. What I will say is this who does the disease lie to the most? The person who is suffering with the addiction.
It doesn't make it easier I understand, .. however it's just not about me .. I am working really hard to separate the disease from the person. The less I take personally the easier it gets. I am so sorry that this is hard for you right now. I so understand what you mean about it being easier to just take the kids yourself. I know what a wreck I would be right now if my stbax was with us in CA. I would be worried about this and that .. try and stay focused in having a good time and relaxing. It IS exciting that you are going with your children to have a good time. Let it be just that .. a good time for you and the kids. He's going to drink or not drink .. let him sit in his stuff and not go down that road with him. I don't know if you have made any face to face meetings, or if you have any alanon lit.
It does get better, keep coming back, hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can understand how you are feeling The vacation sounds as if it will be good for you and the family. Knowing that I am powerless over people places and things, and that alcoholics live in denial., I would go , live one moment at a time, check out alanon meetings in the vacation spot and develop a "Plan B if the vacation becomes difficult.
The slogans that come to mind is Live one day at a Time, Trusting HP without projecting.
I agree that the times I had a Plan B for if he drank were the times that worked out best for me. Because what alcoholics do is drink, and if they're not in a recovery program, then they're not really in recovery.
In my experience, mentioning the drinking to the alcoholic is a recipe for an argument to develop. Because of course they always deny it. Then they turn it back on us -- "Why can't you ever trust me?" "Do you always have to be so critical?" "Is something wrong with you that you're always imagining I'm drinking? You might want to get help for that." "I'm not drinking, but it would be no wonder if I did, with all your behavior." Etc. etc.
The times I mentioned it were when it made a difference to my plans. I'd say something like, "I have no way of knowing whether you've been drinking or not. But to me you sound the way you do when you're drunk, and so I'm not getting in the car with you this evening. I need to take precautions and keep myself safe." He'd say: "You're crazy! Of course I haven't been drinking! I can't believe you and your accusations!" I'd say, ""I have no way of knowing whether you've been drinking or not. But to me you sound the way you do when you're drunk, and so I'm not getting in the car with you this evening." And I wouldn't get in the car. He'd do a lot of eye-rolling and grumbling but the point was that I was keeping myself safe.
That said, if you suspect he's been drinking (which is all too likely), and you don't want to be on vacation with a drunk man, and you didn't really want him to go anyway, you don't have to have him along. They try to get their way by threatening to make a huge fuss, but sometimes we deserve our preferences and our good, safe, calm vacations too.
