The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a tough time with this too. No one in my family or origin is in recovery. I've been trying to develop more compassion for where they are at. I don't mean bestowing lofty forgiveness of their behavior or seeing myself as somehow more "evolved" as someone in recovery. I've heard it said in Alanon, "if you can spot it you've got it," when it comes to behaviors. I see some of my old self in some of my family members behaviors before I found Alanon. Some unacceptable behaviors my family members and I share in equal measure. I'm certainly not cured. But you know what? That imperfectness keeps me close to my high power. I digress to my hp's judgment of own my progress and am trying to ask for hp's help and for more humility when confronted by unsettling family situations.
I like what you said about letting go of negativity and focusing more on the positive. There are some amazing hp given gifts that my family members and I have in common too like a sense of humor and resiliency in crisis (second one was hard won but it's an asset). And of course, there are gifts and talents that uniquely belong to a particular family member too. I'm finding that pointing out good things about active alcoholic family member is helping me to progress in my recovery. These are people I love. It's good for me to remember that. I don't know for sure if it helps them to hear positive things while they are still using but I hope so. Years back when the active alcoholics drinking behaviors associated became overwhelming for me I forgot the person under the disease. Well... I don't want that to happen today. Thanks for sharing. Hugs. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 25th of July 2012 02:07:11 PM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I heard this statement recently and loved it .. I was pre-qualified for alanon and boy is there a lot of truth to that!!
Last night I went to a wonderful meeting in town and it was nice to know that all I had to do was change location not my schedule. I would have been at a meeting during that time on a Tuesday!!
The topic was letting go and letting God (HP). I really had to laugh no matter how far I go the topics are always what I need to hear. That whole letting go and letting God deal, loving someone where they are at, close just not to close for major dysfunction junction. I don't know .. it's just not an easy balance for me to walk all the time. I keep slipping off the curb on the darkside of what my will is or what I want things to be.
The visit with my mom is going well. I'm really working on accepting her as she is .. warts (which of course I can point those out in a millisecond) and I'm focusing on her attributes which is has many. Those are harder to point out. Even though I know she has them ... it takes work for me to focus on them. That is a me thing def not a her thing. Ironic how easy it is to see the negative vs the positive. I realized last night that I do the same thing to myself .. I can jump on the wart bandwagon however finding the positive is that much harder in myself. Hmm .. a tad bit of projection I think.
I often wonder if it's easier to see and accept the negative things about me vs focusing on the positive side. I have permission then to really beat myself up and knuckle down and get that thumb out. My sponsor has often said to me I want you to be kind to my friend Pushka .. she's a lovely person. She deserves much kindness and thoughtfulness .. please be gentle with her because I care a great deal for her. Everytime I hear that statement I cry. Soo let's say I don't have a lot of work to do on my own self esteem .. geeze!! It evokes so much emotion in me, I don't know if it's shame, guilt, feeling of not deserving that someone should say those things, that whole lack of entitlement to basic life things .. being valued, being loved unconditionally, unconditional acceptance, as a human being is a God given right even though as imperfect people I know I am guilty of not treating others with the same basic rights. I don't have to like everyone, I do have to treat them with the same dignity and respect I want. I also don't have to accept unacceptable behavior that's different in my mind than loving someone where they are at and not playing God in terms of judge and jury. I have judged myself so harshly and have to pull back as I continue to do so at times. That it really makes it hard for me to be gentle on myself and to be kind and loving. It's no wonder my house became as toxic as it did because it's not just him .. it was me to. It doesn't excuse his behavior .. I am not dismissing the behavior. It does bring to light though the whole if I want the dignity and respect in my own life then I have to be willing to give and accept it back as well.
There are just so many things running through my head at the moment. LOL .. I've been doing step work and am sitting in the middle of the resentment and justifying section of the blue print for progress book. I think I better go get a coffee and relax a little.
thanks for letting me share :) Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm glad your sponsor tells you that often. I happen to agree with her wholeheartedly!
I agree you can love someone where they are at without accepting unacceptable behavior. It's not easy, it's easier if they are not as close to you, example a SIL as opposed to a husband. A friend as opposed to a mother.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SHARE... You are Workin It & Your Worth it =)
You Sound ALOT Like Me n Alot of Ways :)
I have always Struggles with Self esteem & I have always Found Myself Very Judgemental I Think at times to TAKE the Attention OFF Me... In Fear The Real Me would Surface... The Bitter Ick I am Constantly Trying to Push Down & Deny... I have Found things that Help me in the Self Esteem is Little things... Like Treating Myself to a Dinner Out, By myself, for No Reason other then "I Deserve it!" Or Calling a Member of My Program Family and Sharing Some Tea or a Nice Walk to catch up... I Never Learned to Love Myself, and I'm Am Now Finding Things I at Least "Like" about myself, so that Progress I suppose... '' Love will Come Later I Pray...
For Me it is tough to Build something you Never Had, I was Always Told how to feel & react to every on coming Train that I never Learned My Own Reflexes... And Now I'm Working on that too... I have to Ask Myself ALOT "Is this For Me, Or About Me Pleasing them?" I was Trained to Please... Its Tough also to Stop that one...
I am Also Getting Better at the "Accepting Others Where they are!" However there seems to be "Exception" in that department... I Can Accept them where they are IF They haven't Hurt ME! So Basically I'm Kinder & More Compassionate to Strangers!!!... :( This is where I Need More Work...Its one of those Character Traits I Need to Let Go of, but at this Point I don't think I'm Ready... Tough Stuff for Sure, but I"m Thankful you brought your Thoughts Here... They Truly Help Me See I have alot more Work to do, and I'm Grateful...
Thanks for Being Here Love & Prayers... Enjoy your Visit :)
I think its pretty hard to rise above so much. I know I grew up in a dysfunctional family with so much madness and chaos. The last time I visited my family was after decades of therapy, years of 12 step programs. The chaos was unmitigated and never ending. Of course it was all nothing to do with me.
I think its very very very difficult to live around someone who is mired in chaos and dysfunction. I know living around roommates who do that. I think its pretty good to give ourselves a pat on the back from living with that rather than drowing in it. In some ways that dire situation has given me a lot of resiliency and limits. I know when I hit the limits these days. There are certain people I will have nothing to do with if I can help it. Burn me once you don't get to burn me twice. I set tremendous limits about what people can and can't say to me yet there are times when certainly their dysfunction creeps up on me.
I think what's the most difficult is letting go of what they think of me, what they say about me. I no longer care if people call me a bitch or don't like me. After all where did it get me being liked. I wasn't even liked I was taken advantage of.
There are still some very very deep wounds for me in my family of origin issues. Recently one of my family members had a loss, a sudden tragic loss. The way they reacted to it was typical of their drama, chaos and need to blame. There were no moments of self reflection just a finger pointing at everyone else. Of course being the scapegoat I was usually the one they pointed at.
I think its really admirable to try to get some closure with a dysfunctional parent. My last visit was to get that from my mother. In so many ways I did get a lot out of it. I also got to see that it was tremendously difficult to deal with as a "recovering" adult, let alone as an abandoned child.
I am so glad you are here and sharing your process.
Wow...I'm new at all this but boy can I relate to crying when someone says something nice to me. I don't know why? Sometimes even little things my husband (not my A) says or does, nice things or loving gestures like pulling me close to him to hug me tighter, makes me cry? Do I not feel worthy of being loved? I cry so easily and hurt so easily.
I couldn't haven't written this at this point in my life, but your words fit me to a T. Taught to be a pleaser, I never think of myself first, always what will "they" want. They being whoever, family, kids, boss, strangers, acquaintances. I always jump in and help and go out of my way to make others happy, meanwhile mback at the ranch, I'm hurting and in pain and I'm the only one who knows it!
I also have know idea what my natural responses and reflexes are as they have always been to please others. I never make conscious decisions, I react or please.
Thank you for posting this and giving me a glimpse of myself!
Love & Prayers... 
Enjoy your Visit :)