The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things came to an end with my ABF, I cut the cords. Not that the biggest work has been done, the hardest is yet to come, because as I triggered his awareness, well he triggered mine. So now I face my own addiction, the addiction to this realtionship, the addiction to be needed, the addiction to care more for others than for myself. It isn't new to me, so I don't fall from so high. I just managed to keep away from it from some time, staying on my own. Which felt pretty safe. Truth is though, I want to have a healthy realtionship one day. I learned to say NO in my circle of friends and with family. So some steps have been done into recovery, and the last 7 years haven't been a waste. I can acknowledge that. But when it comes to romantic relationships, well I don't know how to use my tools yet, as this toxic realtionship showed me again. I got fully absorbed, like a chamaeleon taking over the burden of his addiction, trying to fix him at the same time with me, feeling every single pain and struggle. And now that I managed to get out for a start, well I'm feeling the bruises, the hurt, the cut. I'm in detoc without the medication, the tranquilizers. I try to take it slowly, not to expect to much result at the time, I realize it's a process. But currently I feel exhausted, trying to escape the withdrawal symptoms during the day. And I can tell by my unsteady sleep that even nights I can't relax. It seems like a full time job try to get better. The last 2 days I stayed home, couldn't face the reality out there, I am scared to explode, feel the panic coming up, I am moody, resentful , angry, and I'm really scared to shower it over somebody innocent along my way. I'm frustrated... I know that trying to keep myself busy is the key, and I manage to motivate myself to eat sometimes, to practice yoga, to read, watch movies, talk to a friend. But as soon as I do nothing, I get absorbed in the vicious circle of negative thoughts again, memories of ugly scenes or comments with my ABF come up, guilt finds its place, and I just feel I'm a horrible person, when I also know that half of the things os due to his disease. But what is with the other half, my disease. I am as hard on myself that I have been on him, judging myself now for my weaknesses. I started working the 12 steps and I really study the subject to know more about it. It's the everyday life, the minutes along the day I'm struggling with, trying to keep the head over water, not falling back where i came from. I want my thinking to stop. 24 hours is a long time to get past I found nowadays.
I am really scared, I want my fire back. What if that fire is linked to my addiction only, like the good chatty moods and the happy attitude of an alcoholic? will I keep up that rythm of struggle? what happens if I can't? what if I'm simply the person I am... addicted, and that addiction is already too much far ahead to recover?
The good news is it's going to get easier .. the not so good news it takes and self work. There are all kinds of what if's that go around and around .. that's the best time if you can get to a face to face meeting. For me I know that even though my qualifier and I aren't together (I decided I really liked what someone shared about being pre-qualified for alanon) I was already pre-qualified for the alanon program. I will have to keep coming back until I can find out who I am without being part of a "we". It does really get better. It has taken many baby steps and sometimes I fall down as I stumble. Then all of a sudden I can walk (sort of .. lol) for longer periods of time. I can come here and others will help me by lending a hand that comes in the form of a post directly to me, a PM or a hand in gentle acknowledgement that they understand what I'm going through in this moment. Best of all I go to face to face meetings and I can go anywhere in the country and know I am not alone in any given city at any given time there are others who are facing similar challenges and each person has been able to overcome those challenges with grace and dignity when there was always another choice.
That fire has never gone out it simple forgot how to burn and now is the opportunity to learn how to ignite it yourself and do for yourself what you never thought possible.
Keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think the fire can be learning to love ourselves in a way we gave to others.
Anyone can be mired in enmeshment, intrigue, chaos and fear. Its simply too easy to slip into.
For those of us who opt out its a real badge of honor. Personally I know people whose health is destroyed by their enmeshment. There is nothing as draining and toxic as being around someone who is hell bent on self destruction. People do indeed die from codependency. They die from self neglect, spending all their time on the significant other and completely neglecting themselves.
I am so glad you are willing to give yourself time to recover, time to grieve and time to look at where you have been. That takes deep courage, commitment and real staying power.
You said something about being in detox without the tranquilizers. I know exactly how that feels. I have a history of depression and anxiety. I was prescribed Cymbalta and Xanax a few years ago (even before meeting my AH). But, through self awareness and just taking care of myself, I was able to wean off of the meds. The symptoms all came back when we moved in together 2 years ago and my doctor put me back on the medicines. It helped me to tolerate life with my AH. When he quit drinking over a year ago, I quit taking the meds. I didn't need them. Then, he started drinking again and I had to go back on the meds. I have not taken the Cymbalta this time (cannot afford it). The difference this time is I am NOT going to take medicine every day just so I can tolerate my AH. I only take one when I absolutely need to, not twice a day as prescribed.
Have you read any books from Melody Beattie my favorites "Codpendent No More", "The Language of Letting Go". The obsessed stinkin thinkin is a bad habit I used to have, but with working my Al-anon program I can be in the moment and let things flow so much better. It's about progress not perfection. Be very gentle with yourself and show yourself all the love and self care you need. Turn over to HP all that you can't control and keep coming back! Sending you love and support!
' Be gentle with yourself and show yourself all the love you can by taking the best care of yourself you can. Keep coming back! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
