financial problems how do you cope. - Al-Anon Family Group

justme777 · Member

financial problems how do you cope.

Minaret · Veteran Member

I wish I knew the answer...I have the same problems..I pay the bills, he drinks all our money away and doesn't make as much money as I do. My credit is suffering and we are $25K in debt. I'm still able to make the minium balances, but I wonder if it's worth it. We have nothing to show for it with all this money on our cards. Granted, our daycare is expensive, but most of it is because of lack of motivation to get a better job in winter and from DUI expenses. I used to have credit in the 800's. I also put my car in his name and his car in my name because at the time it was the cheapest interest rate. Now I am thinking of separating from him.

I tried to give him his own bank account but we still needed some of his money to pay part of the bills and he would spend all his, so I had to shut it down. Now we have one account again and occasionally I take his debt card away. It makes him feel horrible. What an awful cycle. I feel for you.

Minaret

amills4294 · Senior Member

I have an H that is a compulsive spender, at times. The only way I could deal with it was to open my own account and direct deposit my check into my account. Our situation wasn't quite as bad. He agreed to do the same and we both have a set amt that we have to put in the joint account and it is only used for specific things. He then has his own acct to spend any money if he has it. I've started to notice charges against our joint that are minor but should have come out of his. I know that he used to go to the grocery and take out cash on top of what he spent so that was hard to see. It's much better than it was but still stressful. He could choose at any time to start spending on the joint acct but I don't believe he will.

You could open your own account and redirect the auto bills from your account. Yes it's a hassle but it's worth that hassle to protect yourself and your credit. Just a thought

justme777 · Member

Minaret thanks for your reply. My credit has suffered also. It is pretty bad right now. I also need the little income he makes and I am afraid if he opens his own account he would spend the little he earns. The problem is he is also a compolsive spender he thinks he buys things for his office. He has his own business and he spends the money as he gets it without saving for his expences. I will put my direct deposit in another account and leave the account that we have together in his name so some of the bills are paid from it. I am not willing to pay all the bills because I don't have the money
Amills thanks it sounds that you came with the same conclution as I did. I am not sure my marriage will work because of the financial strain. It has taken me a while to realise it will not chance. Part of me would have left already if he was not sick from cancer, in remission now. He really needs my insurance but I also need financial stability. I have nothing to show for me long hours of work also Minaret so I do feel the same.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

OMG.

honestly, I wish I had separated our finances sooner in our marriage. Now that I am divorced...I feel SO much better financially -- no more missing money on spending binges (surprise! I spent 5k on a new *whatever* or surprise! I have 2 credit cards you didn't know about and they are at their 3K limits)

My exA lost his job, and we ended up claiming bankruptcy before we divorced. It's been a LONG, painful process to get to this point of financial stability. i even have a $1000 emergency fund now.(first time in YEARS i have had any money left over after paying bills)

Detach detach detach is an appropriate approach financially, too. I wish I had taken steps so that his disease could not have impacted our finances as much as it did. separate everything!!! if he wants spending money...let him take care of himself...get his own account(s) and let him figure out how to get money into them to spend...otherwise I truly believe it's another form of enabling....

this is SO hard. Have strength...and focus on what you need to do for you to keep your finances healthy. Active As will always act irresponsibly (IMO) with money...and to expect them to make good decisions...well...you know the answer.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

You received great ESH! Sending you love and support!

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Just Me,

My friend, I have been where you are. I once went to the bank, thinking I had 15,000.00 in my account. How shocked was I to find I had 2,000.00. My husband blew through that money in just a couple of months. If you want to survive anymore financial devistation, open your own account. It may be a pain to change everything however, in the long run, it is your sanity you will be saving. Do not tell him that you are doing this. Keep which bank you will be usig to yourself. Of course, this is just my opinion but I can promise you a small peace of mind from doing this. When in active addictio a person is not in the right mind set to reason with.

With Hope,

Andrea

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me having my own account is just a given, especially with an A. Sure would be worth it to me to make that change to receive that change you need.

As far as his contribution,I am super frugal, you would be shocked where you can cut things. Wash in cold water, hang your cloths up to dry. Cut off the cable or satellite and watch tv on your computer. Cut the home phone and use your sell or do thas skype on your computer.

Really pay attention when you shop. Many non brands are exactly the same as brand. Plus eating real food not boxed plastic is a huge healthy thing to do. When we eat healthy we eat less.

Instead of many short trips to do things, do many at once. I go to town maybe two times a month. Just depends what your priorities are. If you really want to be self sufficient you can do it.

Actually who is the insane one to rely on a sick A? I wish I had had a heads up I thought I was finally going to give it all to my marriage and do it right. Yea right here I am with no retirement savings, no home, can't even go out to lunch. So I really believe everyone should be able to financially care for themselves married to an A or not. We never know when they might die or get seriously sick!

I hope you get it figured out! hugs,debilyn

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