The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading these boards for about a week now, bout several books, more on the way. I'm trying to grasp 'the program'. I read a meditation this morning that mentions how we can turn our will over to our HP, and that all that is needed is a beginning. Just open the door a tiny bit...we can open the door further as we are ready. Reading this gave me some hope because I was questioning myself as to how do I give up control. I've been practic ing things I've read about on here, but I don't know that I've given over my will.
Something that I keep asking myself is "How do I even know if I'm in healthy relationships?" Specifically the one with my husband. My A is my son, along with a list of family members and dyfuncional upbringing. If I am broken, how do I know what is right. I love my husband dearly. We have been married 12 years and were together 4 years before marrying. It seems to me that is has only been the last 2 years where I have REALLY begun to trust him. Sure I've trusted him in daily functioning that weren't that critical, but over the last couple years I have noticed I am breaking down some of my walls with him. I still fear he will leave me??? He's never given any indication of that...but its been my experience that when you trust someone they will betray you.
So now, for a couple years I'm feeling closer to him than ever, and now I'm wondering if I'm seeing??????? what???? I don't know, I've asked myself over the last week, how do I know i'm not just addicted to him? I seem to be questioning everything I do and think. It scares the crap out of me.
I'm planning on going to my first meeting tonight, it's listed as a parents meeting, so I hope that means most folks are parents of A's, so I can get perspective on my situation.
I hope I don't chicken out and not go. It's weird too because I'm very uneasy of telling my husband where I'm going? WHy? Do I think he'll judge me or laugh at me? I'm not sure, I shouldn't be afraid, right? And my son, also, my A son. What do I tell him when asked where I am going. Is it the right thing to do to tell the A you are seeking help?
I'm Very discommbobulated! Advice or experience appreciated.
I do understand your confusion and concern. Most people feel just as you describe before attending alanon meetings. What helped me was to realize that alanon is worldwide organization of men and women who have lived with the disease of alcoholism. We have developed a sound format for recovery from the devastating effects.. We meet to break the isolation caused by the disease and to support each other in our efforts. Your husband would be welcome as he too has been affected.
As for your son he has the option to attend AA meetings to find out the support available to him. We do not gather to talk about the alcoholic We gather to connect with each other and learn to focus on ourselves
Please do go to the meeting tonight It sounds perfect for you situation
Hi there.... one list, that certainly helped me, is if you Google "toxic love", you'll find an awesome list of what constitutes toxic (i.e. unhealthy) love, versus real (i.e. healthy) love.
Hope that helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think healthy has been a evolving process for me. I used to quantify everything.
I have had many relationships where I felt, heard, loved, understood and cared for. I would describe those as healthy.
However the relationships I seek out now have limits, limits in time, energy and the possiblity to dial back. I jumped in with both feet straight away in so many relationships.
Confusion is a good sign it means you are taking nothing for granted.
Well going to in person Alanon meetings is really the beginning to finding answers about yourself. You sound like you are very willing to grow as a person and want a healthier family life. All any of us can really do is move forward in our own recovery of ourself. In doing that, I came to a crossroads. My choice was to either continue in old unhealthy patterns to keep unhealthy loved ones close or keep growing. Well, gaining self worth was so freeing I couldn't turn back. I read your avatar. I think that statement is true. The up side is that some family members choose to try to get well too. Either way, we don't have to give ourselves up to the disease of alcoholism by staying stuck in unhealthy reactions to it. My life became just that - a reaction to everything instead of taking actions based on reality - a very sick way to live. Try not to worry so much about the "what ifs." If you get to meetings and take it one day at a time you'll find over time what's right for you and will make choices based on new self knowledge. Keep coming back, you're worth it. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I read your post today, while sitting home alone while my 'other' is going out and happily telling me i should be content at home alone-- or go ride a bike (still an alone thing).
right you are: other organizations i tried getting support for her, for me, and for 'us'. which didn't work because although they were good they did not understand the alcohol issue and related problems.
Tried al anon about 8 yrs ago, didnt work, tried again-cut off i misunderstood them, and/or they misunderstood me.
went back recently and felt at home. Here were people telling me it was OK to think about my own well being. Everything I'd done for the past 10 yrs of my partner's Alc life was to take care of her, protect her, listen to her.. only to be berated, cut off in mid-sentence, etc..
back on topic. al anon has helped me tremendously just in the last two weeks--in person meetings, as i knew there were people who cared about ME, people with suffering who would help me to grow, an organization that has a narrow focus on alcholic families, members, etc.. I knew /know this organization is interested in helping both of us-- but letting me know that I am one of them, and they will let me talk, will listen, will share-- and I came out of the last meeting feeling 100%, great, optimistic-- only to get home and be totally deflated /destroyed by inconsiderate actions of my wife--
I'm back ok today, but know that is what they do. Al anon. I have an advanced degree, have been involved with church; honestly, al anon is the only group that has understood and helped ME. you see, MEN are supposed to take care of themselves.
anyway, enjoyed your post and information you share. what I took from your post? i need to keep strong with al anon. problem for me is there are not enough meetings in my area nor people to call on the phone for support.
sure did like your post/info. went straight online and looked up articles. I already knew, but reading the article let me know i wasn't just in a toxic relationship i was in an often cruel, mean, and destructive relationship. everything has been about what i can do for her and her friends. for me? accept berating and being treated nice maybe once or twice a week.
