The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im so damn tired. Exhusted really. In my ah came at 300. Been out all night. Ive been trying to sleep since midnight. Really...praying, putting it I Gods hands ...but not really sble to sleep. At 300 I went out to kitch in time to see him just walking through the door...i broke every rule and calmly said, where have you been....he calmly replied ... Sleeping in my truck. I said...gld you could sleep...then I said and why cant you just come home to sleep...to which he replied, I didnt want to drive drunk....as he walkwd through the door w a beer in hand. @#@$$#@# q&a $@@.i hate this disease, his arrogance, his addiction ...and I hate that he doesnt care...not a bit. Not even when hes sober which isnt all thar often it seems. Instead he says,"im know I have a problem....not sure I can or will do anything about it".
Crying niw...im such a fool...to keep doing this year after year. I swear this disease will kill me first. Ive had high bp for five years, ive gained 15lbs in the past year and 8 hours of sleep...ha, never. Whyyyyyy
Not sure what responses I expect...prob some I dont want to hear, but thanks for listening. Maybe now I can sleep
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
As Jerry F once told me, this disease doesn't care who it kills, the alcoholic or you. I had to leave when it actually did almost kill me. I was 106 pounds from the stress and not being able to eat. Every cell in my body was screaming get out!!! I simply could not hold it together anymore and had to give up before the disease took me down. After a while, months or years, it becomes apparent that nothing you do or say is going to change things. Insanity is insanity and it's too big of a fight for us. We have to let HP take the problem so we can bow out and take care if ourselves for a change. It is possible to have happiness without the alcoholic, actually it's almost a guarantee you will be happier without that $&@# in your life. I've been where you are, I do know what you are feeling. I had to have a funeral in my head for the man I married because he is gone. And it's not my fault and I can't bring him back, even if he did find recovery I could not be with him because of the things he has done to me. I guess that's life. You never know what will happen in life, but you have to keep trusting that HP has a plan for you. A plan to prosper you and not harm you. Sending my support~
I feel for you. It's maddening to care for a person more than they care for themself. For me, I suddenly came to a realization that I had been given a front row seat to my ex-A's slow suicide and that was not a place I wanted to be.
Of course I was killing myself with alcohol at the same time too so for me, the choice of moving on really felt like embracing life instead of death.
I can understand your feelings and frustration. My A husband also came really late and blamed going out on me setting a boundery about him showing up drunk in my office and not wanting to drink with him. I gave it to my higher power talked to some of my friends and cried. I am starting to read the steps and ordering books that others suggest. My A took his daughter who is a minor to a bar to keep him company while he was drinking. My step-daugther is being affected also. I will suggest a alan meeting for her also but I am not sure she will go. Reading your words gave me courage and a feeling that others are also going through this. We are all together in this. I hope you can find some peace in your day and find a way to sleep and not wait for him. I know is not easy. It is time to put ourselves first.. May the HP bless you with sleep and peace.
