The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AW has gotten a sponsor and has been working the program as of late. I said to her that it appeared she was drinking. That produced a furious response of denial.
The pattern is to get a 1/2 pint every day in the morning that is consumed between 11 and 3. She will go to a meeting and on the way home get a bottle. She will meet with her sponsor and on the way home get a bottle.
I would really like to confront her with what I have observed. The result will be a huge argument and accomplish nothing.
Can she make any headway in the program and be doing this?
We are making a trip home so she can get a hair cut. I was thinking of inviting a mutual friend and confronting her with what I have observed. If she goes down the path of denial, I will leave her and return to our vacation home.
You're probably right that confronting her would cause a huge argument and wouldn't change anything. It's her journey, she is going to get with the program when she's ready and not a minute sooner. You can't reason with someone in the throes of their disease. She's very ill but in her skewed way she might actually be trying to keep sober. She does have a sponsor and is in the program. No one ever promised she'd do it perfectly. If you read the "sticky"post about the disease of alcoholism toward the top of this message boardit might bring better understanding.
You've found the right message board. Alanon is for you, for your own recovery and sanity. If you haven't tried an in person Alanon meeting, you might want to give it a try. Lots of new friends to be found at meetings who understand about how family members are affected by a loved one's drinking.
I hope you'll keep coming back. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Confronting her will only bring more lies ,why ask a question when you already know the answer ? she has a sponsor and really isnt fooling anyone including her sponsor , remember the only requirement for membership in AA is the Desire to quit drinking . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support . Louise
In Al-Anon we have the Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. Sadly, I think everyone here can testify to the truth of the fact that no amount of confronting, explaining, or cajoling makes any difference.
You're right that she can't do this and make headway in the program.
If you were sure that nothing were going to change, what choices would you make for yourself? So often my choices were about what my AH should be doing. It helped immensely when I decided to make choices about what I should be doing. I hope the same will be true for you.
I used to love to check up on my A and confront him and argue my point knowing I was right! Sadly one day he broke my computer into a million little pieces and I walked away knowing I started this fight and kept pushing and it left me feeling oh so wrong. I decided being right wasn't as great as feeling as peace or serenity. I don't blame myself for how mad he got although I fueled it, I do know it helped no body especially my oldest child who saw and heard all this happen. Al-anon face to face meetings, MIP, all the Al-anon literature books I could read and my sponsor helped me to redirect my energy and my life for the better. I needed a tune up and this program works if you work it on yourself! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I wish i had back all the time and energy I spent trying to convince my exA that I was right and he was wrong. I could have used that energy for something constructive.
If my exA could see things in the "right" way he wouldn't have been making the choices he was making, and for me, it was absolutely futile for me to try to convince him how sick he was...in fact...he just ended up questioning my sanity (which I then started doing as well).
Stay off the train to crazy town....it's not a fun trip. Crazy town = you accuse, she denies....
Instead, focus on YOUR recovery....and keep coming back.
