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i need help with separateing the person from the desease,im a very slow learner ,i find myself counting my a b/f beers at night after he gets in to see how much he is drinking and even how many ounces each beer is i guesss im scared he will over drink and chaos will begin.im not likeing this sit. but now im feeling trapped cause he is trying sooo hard to do good which he has done so far but i know what happens or can happen ,and im now realizeing that im not focusing on me anymore and thats not good ,im trying though to stay more focused on me wheather or not he drinks or how much he drinks its just hard,im really wanting him to just go and get him another home to live so i can have mine back and just see him on weekends maybe but i dont have the backbone to do that as of yet ,thats killing me cause im going against everythig i beleive in by haveing him liveing here,scared someone from my church is gonna find out im liveing with a man,thats so against my faith.i do say no to him more often tan before,when he wants me to go with him to drive i tell him flat out no,so thats an small improvement.can any body plz give me some esh here its soo needed,sorry agin for such a long post.trying to separate his desease from who he is is something ive never done or been able to master .thanks for listening......hugs silent
A big part of it rests on being able to separate your self esteem from him. Once having him in your life doesn't make or break you - then detachment becomes that much easier.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 08:15:55 AM
Silent - I was only able to seperate the disease from my AH when we were not living together. I could not seperate myself from it because he was standing right there in front of me and I couldnt stop my codependent ways by enabling him. I realize there are many, many out there that can do this, unfortunately I couldnt. Maybe after I have more of the program under my belt and I am healthier, I will be able to seperate and be able to detach under the same roof.
sending much love, hugs and support your way Silent. It is not easy living with the disease that takes over good people. Keep coming back! It works if you work it!!
Well, whatever you do, DON'T do what I did! I kinda snickered when I read your post because that is exactly where I was before I married my AH! I felt trapped because he moved in and it really is against everything I believe in. We were even on the worship team at our church together. I was so afraid someone was gonna find out and he was drinking so much and peeing on everything and breaking things and he would keep me up til 2 or 3 in the morning on most nights because I felt I had to babysit him when he drank... I was afraid he'd wake up the kids, but my biggest fear was that someone would find out we were living together before we got married! So, what did I do!? I decided that marrying him would change everything. Then it wouldn't matter if anyone knew and the new level of commitment would make him realize that I will stick with him and give him all the support and help he needed to quit drinking... We are now seperated, he is in a 9 month rehab facility/program. AND come to find out, everyone already knew we were living together, they were just giving it to God and letting Him deal with our hearts.
I say this to encourage you to do what you know is right in your heart. Set boundaries and keep them. One of my boundaries was no living together until married, I strongly believed that, but because he didn't, I thought my boundary was flawed - it's not a judgement, it's a boundary. Don't feel bad about it! It's okay to re-establish those boundaries, or really establish those boundaries. It's okay to tell him he needs to leave. It's okay to give him a date to get out by. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself. Spend some time with God and ask him to help you know what to do. Ask Him to grant you the serentity to accept the things you cannot change (his drinking), the courage to change the things you can (your living arrangements), and the wisdom to know the difference. Be encouraged my friend! HUGS!
-- Edited by Amandakay on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 08:27:31 AM
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
thank all of you for all the esh,man what we do if we didnt have this board to come to i know id fall apart,im getting more from here than i do from my counselor ,i have a gr8t counselor but he cant even touch what you wonderful alanoners do for me,ive learned alot here and still lots to learn,sometimes i think im going crazy,and others i feel like think the same i know ppl must see the lowered self esteem in me and no telling what else they notice i try with all i have to hide it at church.i know im out of control ,but im trying to take care of me weather or not my a is drinking ,but when he is drinking he gets in my way at times or most,cause he wants to paw at me and i cant stand that,thats when i want him to just go pass out somewhere and leave me alone before he puts on a stupid actand then i have my son to deal with because my a has acted stupid in some way in front of him and his freinds and its very upsetting to my son who is not a a.so then what do i do,back to focusing on the a agin,thats what and why my stomack has been upsetting me for so many days now.i can ramble on n on here on my a and about him,but im gonna stop here ,im doing good so far .love you all for yur esh....hugs silent
