The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH moved 2 states away and tells me today that he got an offer to move in with a friend that is in our state, 2 hours away. He called me so I talked to him on the phone, and was quiet for most of the conversation. When I finally decided to set my boundaries and let him know that I was not interested in working on our problems right now, and that I felt that me and the kids were doing well, he hung up on me. I then texted him to make sure that he did hang up on me, and that the phones just didnt disconnect for some reason. He said he did, and that I had said enough hurtful things to him and he was done.
I have been reading ALOT on verbal abuse, and can admit that I have been verbally abusive to my AH, more with the silent treatment than anything. I realize that the reason why I didnt open up and tell him how I felt was because I didnt feel safe in discussing my feelings with him.
But I sit here and wonder, am I being hurtful by telling him how I feel? Not once did I tell him what he should be doing. I only said how I was feeling and that I was not ready to go to couseling with him, and I wasnt ready for him to see my son(not his child). I did say that his daughter needs him, and that he could see her more often if he lived closer. I also said that I did not want to see him unless it was picking up my daughter, or dropping her off.
Should I not tell him how I feel and where I am at? I dont want to give him false hope that everything will be the way he wants if he does decide to move closer to us.
Katy made a great point about removing ourselves from victim mode. You don't have to be a victim to his behaviors, they are his to own. You said what you felt and he chose to respond by hanging up the phone. The problem we have as codies(codependents) is that we think too much. We overanalyze and many times we over-react and our A's know it. They feed on it and try to bait us. A friend of mine in Al Anon has been in program for over 20 years and whenever we talk about my AH she makes a motion like she's fake fishing and reeling in that fish. She said, "Bonnie, he's just trying to bait you and you're latching on to it hook, line, and sinker. At some point, you have to decide that that bait doesn't look so good to you and you turn and swim away leaving the fisherman wondering where his little fishy went." In other words, we have choices, too. Yet, sometimes our choices aren't an actual physical removal of ourselves, it can be a mental/thinking removal as well. Do something good for you today and let him figure out what he wants to do with HIS life while you take some time for YOU. Sending you lots of support today.
-- Edited by ilovedogs on Monday 23rd of July 2012 07:42:46 AM
I am a firm believer in "say what you mean, mean what you say, don't day it mean. Sometimes I find its best to be honest, but I have had to learn to let go of the outcome as far as AH's reaction. His reaction is sometimes not what I would wish. He doesn't always like what I have to share with him. He sometimes will get pissy, be silent, or whatever. That's really not about me. That's about him. Sometimes it is a bit of manipulation to get me to change my mind, sometimes it's just him not coping well with life on life's terms. I love him, but that's really not my problem. It's his stuff to deal with and learn.
I have been verbally abusive in the past, too. That's my part and I deal with it. His reactions reasonable or not, are his part.
Hugs,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think it is very important to say how you feel, for me it is about learning how to do that without blame or shame, I think I always used to end up doing the ye buts! so I notice this now, and I can see when I do that I give others my power, I wasn't really very good at listening so it was kind of an automated reply if you like, I try and think a bit now before I open my mouth, I still cringe sometimes when I say things I didn;t mean but then I learnt what is done is done and have to deal with it, so for me a little bit more forethought helps alot, and now since I don't feel so sorry for myself I am not in victim mode and that makes me less defensive, which helps to make me feel better about myself.
I used to let someone else's upset reaction dictate whether what I did was right vs. wrong. I still do that actually. None of us like it when others get upset with us. HOWEVER, it is remnants of unhealthy people pleasing for me. At the end of the day, I do a 10th step in which I review my actions and choices with my own HP and that is how I decide if my choices were right vs. wrong. Of course you are doing that here by coming to the board with this - your peers in Alanon are also a higher power than you so you are actually working the steps by bringing this here.
Anyhow, you don't have to own his hurt. Most alcholics and even those in different stages of recovery (especially early recovery) can't handle hearing anything but positive feedback and how great they are. I also thought in my own early sobriety that everything should go my way because, after all, "I stopped drinking and what more could you want from me!!???" ....as I should get a medal for finally acting like a grown up.
I think from what you typed, that you handled it quite well. I have not been good about telling others how I feel for fear of hurting them. I think you did a good job
likemyheart - you make a good point about something that has been bothering me. my AW is constantly pointing out something that I said or did that hurt someone or was hurtful. i have not associated this behavior with the disease. perhaps you may be on to something. this exchange always puts me in a submissive posture.
as to speaking my mind, i have been putting what I would like to say away and saying whats get me past the moment. the motive on the part of the AW is to get into an argument that you can not win primarily because she will tell you the 800# gorilla does not exist.
-- Edited by gyzer02 on Monday 23rd of July 2012 10:28:02 PM
Hanging up on you is not a healthy way to deal with something someone dislikes. So what you know is that someone with unhealthy reactions is displeased with something you did. How much weight should an unhealthy person's opinions carry? I think running it by your HP is an Al-Anon solution.
My ex even before he became an ex was always getting "hurt" by whatever I was saying or doing. If we were out and I laughed at something someone said he would bring it up later and how it hurt his feelings. Somewhere in their journey to where they are today, having hurt feelings worked for them, still works for them. I can look at it this way - if someone does something that truly hurts my feelings I take it home with me, think on it, try to gain perspective but I rarely if ever point out to the person who hurt my feelings that they did so. With mr. ex. it is just one way he knows of to try to manipulate someone else's feelings - makes you feel bad to be told you hurt someone's feelings, doesn't it? like we are a bunch of kindergarteners at play and someone said something mean. We AREN'T kindergarteners but THEY are stuck in kindergarten mode because they learn that it works to get them what they want - attention and their own way; you hurt my feelings, oh I"m sorry dear, what can i do to make it up to you?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thanks everyone for your ESH. Really great insight!!! Wow!
I am reminding myself that he has an HP that he can turn to if he so wishes. He chooses not to have the support of AA or NA. He still believes that he has done everything he was supposed to do and the reason why he had to move out was because I wasnt working my program. He can believe what he wants. I dont have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain why I am doing what I am doing to protect me and my children. I know in my heart that having him move out was the best thing for us. It just hurt him to hear me say that we are ok, when he is not.
I feel really good about setting my boundaries with him. I really dont remember the last time I set a boundary and really believed that I could keep it, and have backup plans if he decides to cross them. And they are for me! They are not to try to make him do something or to change. I am proud of myself for finally feeling good enough to be able to tell him how I really feel and not (like gyzer said) get me past the moment.
This is the power of Alanon and my HP at work. His HP will help him if he decides to reach out. I cannot be accountable for the way he feels and how he chooses to react to mine. I am a human being and have feelings too. And I shouldnt be afraid to say how I feel, especially when I mean what I say, say what I mean and dont say it mean!
