The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, it's not really true silent treatment, it's the one word answer communication that I struggle with. I'm still on vacation taking a break from life at home with AH. We talk nightly and pretty much get along well. While on the phone he cursed twice and he knows I don't like it. I said, "You been hanging around a bunch of sailors while we're gone, LOL? You've cursed twice in a 5 minute conversation already." He said sorry and then stopped talking. Every comment was, "Uh huh", "hmmm", "ahhh", etc. It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk again. UGH!
I just needed to vent. It's just one of those things that drives me crazy and I don't know how to handle, especially when I'm only communicating with him on a daily basis via phone. Thanks for reading! I've been having a tough few days for some reason, I know my HP is really trying to teach me something with this break and I feel so much anxiety despite the distance between us.
Sending lots of love and support, how are the meetings out there going???
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I've found my best response to this has been to "act as if." I act as if I don't notice it. For my own sanity, I keep the rest of the conversation short and then leave them to sit in their own stinking thinking. It's ok to move myself away from the vacuum of negativity and not get sucked in. For me that's self care. This kind of detachment still doesn't feel very good for me due to being an acoa with abandonment in my past. Retaliatory silence makes me feel a bit lonely at first but shortly after I'm ok again. It's taken lots of year in Alanon to quiet that old feeling. I know it's just false evidence appearing real. It's my moods, words and actions that define me not anyone else's today. You did a great job not reacting to his behavior on the phone call. That is huge! Progress comes for me when I remember the spiritual part of my program and use it. My hp is there and I call upon the God of my understanding at these times. The Serenity Prayer is a great tool. I think detachment from unacceptable behavior is likely one of the most difficult things to do consistently because with living life on life's terms some days someone else's behavior can just be the last straw. If I'm disappointed, I don't need to let it hang over me like a dark cloud and ruin the rest of my day. I have a choice. I don't have to give my serenity away that way. I can't get that day back. I can go for a walk with my hp ( a good kind of silence ) and find that place of acceptance again of myself and others as we are - works in progress. You'll definately find lots of support and understanding here on this topic. Thanks for sharing. Hope you have a good day today. Hugs. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 22nd of July 2012 09:05:19 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I am exeriencing something similar at the moment and was just reading through some old threads here on the same topic looking for some perspective. Then I saw this thread !
Silent treatment is something I find terribly difficult to deal with. Now, shouting and yelling, there's something I can cope with...
When I woke this morning my partner (Not the A in my life) was a bit quiet so I asked him what was wrong and he said he was a little depressed. I gave him a hug, asked him if he wanted to talk about it, was there anything I could do to help and he just shot me down, said he didn't want to talk about it. Which got me thinking, had I done something wrong... I think I started reading my book when I woke instead of giving him a cuddle... Did I say thank you for the coffee? Was I ungrateful? (I am somethimes..) So, we got up and I asked him whether I had done anything wrong, to which he replied, very curtly, he didn't want to talk about it.
Despite 3 years in the program, I still find this kind of behaviour terrifying. He says that basically he needs to do this so that he can protect himself from my reactions to what he wants to say. There may be sone truth in this, but I also know that he has real issues with control and they pre-date me. I have tried to expain that this is a very damaging feeling for me and undermines my trust. I feel punished, and I have no idea what for. I grew up in a home where the silent treatment was common, just waiting for that person (normally my Mother) to pounce was worse than any kind of open anger. It still gives me nightmares.
I have a meeting tonight, and know I should call someone, but I just feel so floored and shut down by this kind of behaviour.
Thanks for the forum and for being here, especially when the phone is just too heavy to pick up. I don't post much, but I find my way here quite often!
Thanks for sharing, JeanGenie! My AH says the same kind of things. He tries to protect himself from my reactions. I'm not a yeller, but I get too emotional for him and he can't handle seeing my emotions because he feels responsible for them and he wants to fix them and he knows he can't and then we get into a HUGE mess. So, his tactic is to just avoid me. Makes his life easier, I guess, but I'm tired of living like this. I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to communicate with him about it, though. Keep those lines open because once they shut down, it's harder to get them to open up!
Pushka, meetings are going well here. I don't think I'll catch a meeting in Dallas next week because our schedule is going to be super busy. I can't seem to get with my sponsor and wonder if maybe I need to find someone else. She's never really available. She gives me one hour a week and is hardly ever reachable. I know we're all busy but I'm feeling a bit put off by her not being very available. She responds to texts within the day, but getting her on the phone is near impossible.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you so much for starting this thread ILD. Like Jean Genie, it is also exactly the issue I am confronted with today that is causing me anxiety and confused anger plus low self esteem. I hate being shut out and I hate being shut down even more. I feel controlled by this behaviour and emotionally abandoned. I too get basically either non response or monosyllabic response or a cute little fake response when I tell my partner what I'm feeling. I also get that thing where they are protecting themselves from my reactions (allegedly), and so don't tell me what's going on for them. That usually leads to them building up the whatever-it-was into resentments which can escalate over months and even years without being aired. I find that hard to take, as I'm a "get it out in the open now, deal with it and move on" kinda gal. I feel lost and lonely and unheard and unrelatedto. Thanks for giving this issue some space. Bless you. Tigger x
Great thread! My exhusband used to pout and make it well known that it was about me. He would tell me he wasn't ready to talk about it which he knew would leave me feeling really anxious and filled with dread. This was his way of controlling. When ex RA bf had something on his mind he often didn't want to talk about it because he could not effectively deal with the emotions that would come out. He ineffectively coped by stuffing. I would in turn feel useless to him. This was MY control. I needed to sort through his feelings with him and fix him in order to feel loved and feel in control. It's helpful to me now to see the difference between their control and my control.
Detachment works best for me in these kid of situations. The silent treatment may be his way of coping with his own emotions, or it may be his way of trying to manipulate me. Either way its not about me. I can't be responsible for his feelings or need to control me. I have to deal with my own feelings of abandonment and let him find his way until the interaction becomes less toxic. Then we can come together to find a way to communicate. Detachment allows me emotional space to deal with my side of the street.
Al-Anon has a great pamphlet on Detachment.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I read somewhere that the silent treatment can be more damaging than actual yelling. At least we know what our A is thinking, when he is yelling, screaming and such. I dont like either one....but.... For me, I gave my AH the silent treatment all the time. When I was upset or hurt by something he said, I couldnt talk to him about it. I shut down. I didnt trust him with my feelings as they were discounted by him so many times in the past. I cant blame him for that, it is my issue of not being able to open up, stand up for myself and talk about how I was feeling.
I like what Jen said and I agree. I dont hold my AH responsible for me giving him the silent treatment, that is my issue to work out. So the same would go the other way around.
I hope you can relax and enjoy the rest of your vacation =)
